O! To be happy!

I must be really happy because I have 5 sisters!

2010-09-29T20:58:00.000-05:00

This is a good one I found on the yahoo shine website.

Your emotional well-being isn’t just about your genes or the kind of home you were raised in. It turns out that some pretty interesting factors—backed by science—play a role in how joyful you feel:

You were a smiley student

Adults with the biggest grins in their college yearbook pictures were up to 5 times less likely to be divorced decades later than those who looked less happy, according to a new DePauw University study. A smiler’s positive disposition may attract other happy people or rub off on a spouse.

You have a sister

People with at least one female sibling report better social support, more optimism, and better coping abilities, according to a study presented at the British Psychological Society’s annual conference. Sisters appear to encourage communication and cohesion in families.

You're not glued to the TV

The happiest people spend 30% less time parked in front of the tube, according to a University of Maryland study that analyzed 34 years of data from more than 45,000 Americans. They’re more likely to spend time socializing, reading, or attending religious services—habits that are linked to better moods and health.

You keep souvenirs on display

People who use mementos or photos to remind themselves of good times better appreciate their lives and are happier, says Sonja Lyubomirsky, PhD, a professor of psychology at University of California, Riverside. Good memories remind you of your “happiness potential” and promise that soon you can reach it again.

You make exercise a priority

People who exercise more are less likely to be stressed and more likely to be satisfied with life, according to Danish researchers. Compared with sedentary people, joggers are 70% less likely to have high stress levels and life dissatisfaction, the study found. Couch potatoes who start moderate exercise—the equivalent of 17 to 34 minutes a day—experience the greatest happiness lift.

You have a healthy love life

Physical intimacy is a key contributor to happiness, found a study by Dartmouth economist David Blanchflower, PhD, and Andrew Oswald, PhD, of England's University of Warwick. Married people report 30% more sex than singles, which may be one reason they also report being happier.

You hang out with happy people

Socializing with a cheerful person in your neighborhood increases the likelihood that you’ll be happy too, according to a new study. How often you get together matters most, say the researchers: People who live within half a mile of a buoyant buddy increase their odds of being happy by 42%. If the friend lives farther away (within a 2-mile radius), the chances drop to 22%—probably due to fewer get-togethers.

You stay warm with hot cocoa

Clutching a steaming beverage—coffee and tea also do the trick—can elicit a flood of positive feelings, according to a Yale University study. This may be because people associate physical warmth with emotional warmth, say the researchers. Study subjects held cups of either hot or iced coffee; those gripping warm mugs were more appreciative of friendliness in others and also felt more generous and trusting themselves.

You have two best friends

Among 654 married adults, those who said they had at least two “best friends” (not necessarily including one’s spouse) were likelier to have better mental well-being, says a study. But additional friends didn’t lead to any more happiness than just a pair.

Be Generous, Be Happy and Healthy.....

2010-06-18T11:00:00.000-05:00

This thought comes from a Martha Stewart magazine. I couldn't agree more: "To improve your outlook and maybe even your well-being, start giving. "Generous actions activate a part of the brain that is associated with feelings of joy, with hormones linked to feelings of compassion and calmness, and with slight elevations in immune strength," says Stephen Post, director of the Center for Medical Humanities., Compassionate Care and Bioethics at Stony Brook University in New York. Studies have shown that volunteering for even a few hours per week has a beneficial effect, and older adults who report high levels of volunteerism have been shown to live longer.

This completely reaffirms my beliefs, taught to me by my church, through the scriptures where Jesus says, "Lose yourself (in service) and you will find yourself." And also from the scriptures, "When you are in the service of your fellow beings, you are in the service of your God." And God will bless you with happiness.

Have a generous, service filled day! Here's a picture of my son doing service when he was a missionary in Mexico:

Wouldn't life be awesome........

2010-05-25T18:02:00.000-05:00

.....if you had this kind of attitude ALL the time!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qR3rK0kZFkg&feature=player_embedded

I love this girl! Talk about positive affirmations!

Here's some good thoughts on stress.....

2010-05-25T17:59:00.000-05:00

Stress

A lecturer when explaining stress management to an audience,
Raised a glass of water and asked,
"How heavy is this glass of water?"

Answers called out ranged from 20g to 500g.

The lecturer replied, "The absolute weight doesn't matter.
It depends on how long you try to hold it.
If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem.
If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm.
If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance
In each case, it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes."
He continued,
"And that's the way it is with stress management.
If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later,
As the burden becomes increasingly heavy,
We won't be able to carry on."

"As with the glass of water,
You have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again.
When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden."

"So, before you return home tonight, put the burden of work down. Don't carry it home You can pick it up tomorrow."

"Whatever burdens you're carrying now,
Let them down for a moment if you can.
So, my friend, Put down anything that may be a burden to you right now. Don't pick it up again until after you've rested a while."
Here are some great ways of dealing with the burdens of life:

* Accept that some days you're the pigeon,
And some days you're the statue.

* Always keep your words soft and sweet,
Just in case you have to eat them.

* Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be
"Recalled" by their maker.

* If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

* If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again,
It was probably worth it.

* It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to be kind to others.

* Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time,
Because then you won't have a leg to stand on.

* Nobody cares if you can't dance well.
Just get up and dance.

* When everything's coming your way,
You're in the wrong lane.

* Birthdays are good for you.
The more you have, the longer you live.

* You may be only one person in the world,
But you may also be the world to one person.

* Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

* We could learn a lot from crayons... Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names, and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.

*A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

5 Keys to Happiness By Greg Soltis, LiveScience Staff

2010-02-16T19:14:00.000-06:00

If you're not happy and you know it read along.
You've watched "Seinfeld" re-runs, splurged on yourself and downed pints of Ben and Jerry's. Nothing's helping. Maybe you're one of the 20 million Americans diagnosed with depression, you're bottoming out or you just want something to improve your day.
Here are five ways — some admittedly challenging — to help you get that much-needed mood boost:

My Mom and Dad, 50th Wedding Anniversary

I picked good parents!!!

1. Pick good parents
In Happy Land, genes trump environmental factors, according to the experts. And a study in the March issue of the journal Psychological Science scores another point for the gene team: Differences in DNA that could explain why some people tend to have an extra bounce in their step might also underlie the tendency to be more emotionally stable and socially and physically active.
Genes do not provide free passes from the doldrums, and other external factors will still try to mow you down. But, heredity could provide some people with a horde of happiness that they can draw from when the good times aren’t rolling.
And Canadian researchers' ability to genetically stifle depression in mice in 2006 indicates that human happiness could one day be improved by manipulating genes. This was the first time science throttled the throes of any organism. Mice bred to be void of the gene, called TREK-1, acted as if they had been downing anti-depressants for at least three weeks.
2. Give it away
It only takes $5 spent on others to make you happier on a given day, according to a 2008 study. And selfless acts can also help your marriage become a more enjoyable experience for you and your spouse.

After performing good deeds, people are happier and feel their life has more purpose. But is the act selfless if you expect something in return? Maybe it just depends on how you look at it.
3. Ponder this
Think of a happy place. And you, too, like Happy Gilmore, might sink that putt and earn back your grandmother's house — or overcome your own hurdle.
Humans are more resilient than we think and can endure trying times, as demonstrated in a 2005 study that tracked mood changes in dialysis patients. They were in a good mood most of the time despite having their blood cleaned three times a week for at least three months. But healthy patients envisioned a miserable life when asked to imagine adhering to this demanding schedule.
As Winston Churchill said, "A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty."
4. Work out
Consistently breaking a sweat, along with medication and counseling can help people battling depression by sapping lonely and vulnerable feelings.
Exercise improves one's state of mind in part by affecting the body's levels of two chemicals: cortisol and endorphins. The adrenal glands of angry or scared people produce cortisol. This increases blood pressure and blood sugar, weakens the immune response and can lead to organ inflammation and damage. But working out burns cortisol, restoring the body's normal levels.
Running, biking or using an aerobic exercise machine also causes the brain to release endorphins — the body's natural pain relievers — into the bloodstream. The body foregoes the negative side effects of drugs while still experiencing a natural high. To gain the most from your workout, make sure its intensity reflects your stress level. And challenge your body to continually adapt by varying the exercise’s length and intensity.
5. Live long
If you have the right genes and are selfless, optimistic and active but still find yourself down in the dumps, just give it some time.
A study of 2 million people from 80 nations released in January found that depression is most common among adults in their mid-40s. Among Americans, the worst of times hit women around age 40 and men about age 50.
But with age humans are more inclined to filter out the negatives while focusing on what they enjoy.
Americans in their golden years tend to see the glass as half full, despite their increased doctor visits and chemo treatments. After battling cancer, heart disease, diabetes or other health-related obstacles, 500 independent Americans from age 60 to 98 rated their own degree of successful aging as 8.4 on average, with 10 being the highest in a 2005 study.

Me and my sis. Circa 1968.

Happiness, it seems, takes time.

Happiest States: Hawaii Moves into First Place

2010-02-16T18:12:00.000-06:00

Happiest States: Hawaii Moves into First Place

Jeanna Bryner
LiveScience Managing Editor
LiveScience.com jeanna Bryner
livescience Managing Editor
livescience.com – Tue Feb 16, 10:16 am ET

If you needed an extra twist of the arm to set off on a Hawaii vacation, here it is: The big-wave state was the happiest place to live in 2009, according to a newly released national survey.
Topping the well-being list among all 50 states, Hawaii pulled ahead of the 2008 leader Utah. But Utah and its neighbors still have plenty to smile about. Nine of the top 10 well-being states reside in the Midwest and the West. The south didn't fare so well, taking seven of the 11 lowest well-being spots on the list.
The results come from interviews with more than 350,000 American adults who took part in the Gallup-Healthways Well-Being Index in 2009. This is the second year of the survey.
The well-being score for each state is an average of six sub-categories, including: life evaluation (self-evaluation about your present life situation and anticipated one in five years); emotional health; work environment (such as job satisfaction); physical health; healthy behavior; basic access (access to healthcare, a doctor, a safe place to exercise and walk, as well as community satisfaction).
The top 10 states and their average well-being scores (out of a possible 100 points):

Hawaii: 70.2
Utah: 68.3
Montana: 68.3
Minnesota: 67.8
Iowa: 67.6
Vermont: 67.4
Colorado: 67.3
Alaska: 67.3
North Dakota: 67.3
Kansas: 67.2

A complete list of the 2009 happiest states is here.
Hawaii also topped the charts for life evaluation, emotional health and physical health, while West Virginia scored the worst on those indexes. Utah was number-one for work environment, scoring 10 points more than the worst state, Delaware.
Bad news for Mississippi, which scored lowest on the basic access index. For healthy behavior, Vermont topped the list while Kentucky scored the worst.
Overall, state well-being stayed pretty stable from 2008 to 2009. Only four states - South Dakota, Mississippi, Hawaii, and Iowa - upped their scores by two or more points compared with 2008. Wyoming had the greatest drop of 1.3 points since 2008. Compared with 2008, 18 states moved in a negative direction, 27 in a positive direction, and five stayed the same.
As for why one state tops the list while another fails miserably, in the past researchers have looked at the relationship between 2008 well-being scores and various factors, including economic indicators, education levels, personality traits and levels of inclusiveness. They found the states with higher gross regional product (GRP) per capita (level of productivity and standard of living), higher income levels and higher median housing value, were significantly happier than poorer areas.
In addition, the happiest states in 2008 tended to have more residents with advanced educations and jobs that were considered "super-creative," such as architecture, engineering, computer and math occupations, library positions, arts and design work, as well as entertainment, sports and media occupations.
Level of inclusiveness was also important, according to the research on the 2008 scores, with some of the states scoring best for well-being also being the most tolerant.
If you're wondering if people in a particular state are happy, you might just want to ask them. Another team of researchers reported results last year in the journal Science showing that a person's self-reported happiness matches up with objective measures of well-being. A separate happiest states list, generated from the individual surveys of this study, differed from the 2008 and 2009 lists that relied on the Gallup-Healthways data.
Essentially, the team publishing their work in Science used their data to statistically create a representative American. That way they could take, for example, a 38-year-old woman with a high-school diploma and making medium-wage who is living anywhere and transplant her to another state and get a rough estimate of her happiness level.

Original Story: Happiest States: Hawaii Moves into First Place

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15 Simple ways to be happier in 2010

2010-01-07T18:16:00.000-06:00

This article was written by Janice Taylor, a Life and Wellness coach at Intent.com

"Very little is needed to make a happy life; it is all within yourself, in your way of thinking." ~ Marcus Aurelius Antoninus

With Marcus Aurelius Antoninus' quote in mind, I invite you to explore these 15 Simple Ways to create happiness in 2010!

1. Be your own BFF (best friend forever). Enjoy your own company. Embrace everything about you! Without a doubt, it's the most important step towards being a happy person.
2. Smile, giggle, snicker, or chuckle! Smiling releases serotonin in the brain, which instantaneously gives your mood a lift.
3. Dream big in every area of life. Set your life in motion and manifest your heart's desire.
4. Shut the doors and the windows tight! And then put on your favorite song and sing out loud. Let it rip!
5. Cook a healthy, delicious meal. Serve it up pretty and savor the flavor, one bite at a time.
6. Expect a miracle. Believe that something wonderful will happen for you today. The universe is waiting to shower happy blessings on you.
7. Meditate, pray and chant. Research shows that people who are spiritual tend to be happier and healthier than those who are not.
8. Pull up your best pair of warm socks. Wiggle your toes and enjoy a cozy kind of bliss.
9. Sleep baby sleep. Seven or eight hours each night should increase your energy and decrease your moodiness.
10. Count your blessings daily. Gratitude, the emotion of thankfulness, is one of the key ingredients for living a happy life. Make gratitude a habit and happiness will be yours.
11. Wake up early! Start the day off on a happy foot, with a happy thought. The morning hours are full of spiritual energy and prana (life force).
12. Let the sun shine in. 20 minutes of sunlight per day improves mood and wards of Seasonal Affection Disorder (SAD).
13. Take a hot bath. Feel the tension melt away as you sink into a pool of happiness.
14. Say "Good Job!" Give yourself permission to pat yourself on the back. Recognize your accomplishments and positive qualities.
15. Happiness is contagious! Surround yourself with happy, positive people who share your values, your goals and dreams.

Happy New Year!

2010-01-01T18:21:00.001-06:00

I sincerely hope you all have a wonderful 2010, and that it is a much better year than 2009!

Here's a great website featuring creative women, if you're interested: http://www.wherewomencreate.typepad.com

I've been reading Julia Child's book, My Life in France. What a delight! I can really relate to her in so many ways (maybe not quite as enthusiastically about learning to cook French food, but still...) I loved her thoughts on how living in France expanded her mind and soul. Moi aussi. And her initial frustration/embarrassment in learning to speak French, "I loathed my gauche accent, my impoverished phraseology, my inability to communicate in any but the most rudimentary way." But after living there five years, she became fluent! Good for her. I wish I could say I was fluent in French. At one point in my life, I was fairly fluent, but not good enough, not by a long shot. And what I knew way back when is now sorely gone or at least very rusty. I want to get it back, and be even better than before. Maybe this year?

Julia Child was a California girl (like me) and felt inadequate intellectually. I remember feeling almost exactly like how she describes herself in France, "I was bothered by my lack of emotional and intellectual development. I was not as quick and confident and verbally adept as I aspired to be......upon reflection, I decided I had three main weaknesses: I was confused (evidenced by a lack of facts, an inability to coordinate my thoughts, and an inability to verbalize my ideas); I had a lack of confidence, which caused me to back down from forcefully stated positions, and I was overly emotional at the expense of careful, "scientific" thought. I was thirty-seven years old and still discovering who I was."

I laughed at Julia's description of her sister, "Dort" driving around the Place de la Concord, chasing an insensitive man who had rammed her back bumper, yelling out, "Ce merde-monsieur a justement crache dans ma derriere!" (translation: This shit-man just spat out into my butt!) Its easy to say really stupid things when you're learning a new language! Funny.

Some things to think about this season and in the coming year……2009/10

2009-12-15T21:24:00.001-06:00

May you have warm words on a cold evening,

A full moon on a dark night,

And the road downhill all the way to your door.

Unknown

Books are the plane, and the train, and the road. They are the destination and the journey. They are home. – Anna Quindlen

Contentment with a little makes happiness. – African Proverb

There is a simple memory aid that you can use to determine whether it is the correct time or order chocolate dishes: any month whose name contains the letter A, E, or U is the proper time for chocolate. – Sandra Boynton

You don’t always win your battles, but it’s good to know you fought. – Lauren Bacall

Life is all about how you handle Plan “B” – Unknown

The best moments in reading are when you come across something – a thought, a feeling, a way of looking at things – which you had thought unique and particular to you. Now here it is, set down by someone else, a person you have never met, someone even who is long dead. And it is as if a hand has come out and taken yours. – Alan Bennett

One of the sweetest things in life: a letter from a friend. – Andy Rooney

Enjoy the little things for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things. – Unknown

No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the Continent, a part of the main. – John Donne

Une maison sans chat, c’est la vie sans soleil! (A house without a cat is like life without sunshine) – Therese Asche, one of Julia Child’s friends

Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it. – William Arthur Ward

What you think about yourself is much more important than what others think of you. – Marcus Anneaus Seneca

May you never forget what is worth remembering and never remember what is best forgotten. Unknown

I feel the capacity to care is the thing which gives life its deepest significance. – Pablo Casals

Flatter me, and I may not believe you. Criticize me, and I may not like you. Ignore me, and I may not forgive you. Encourage me, and I will not forget you. – William Arthur Ward

I would be most content if my children grew up to be the kind of people who think decorating consists mostly of building enough bookshelves. -- Anna Quindlen

Memory is a way of holding on to the things you love, the things you are, and the things you never want to lose. – Kevin Arnold

Life is a great big canvas, and you should throw all the paint on it you can. – Danny Kaye

Happiness = Friendship

2009-12-10T21:45:00.000-06:00

Today, I spent three hours sitting in a local restaurant, sharing lunch and gabbing with my neighbor. We had such a good time together. Our conversation revolved around the joys and challenges of parenting (she has three-year-old twin boys; my three kids are nearly grown), missionary work, college football, our concern for an ailing neighbor, Christmas music and the responsibility of doing our best to serve others. I left our lunch meeting feeling uplifted, renewed and so grateful for the love and concern of my many, many dear friends, who have such an impact for good upon me. Where would I be without my friends? Wonderful people, of all ages, colors, shapes, sizes, interests and backgrounds, who have shaped my own perceptions. Friends from elementary school, high school, college, Paris, church, work.......the list goes on and on. Many of my friends know me better than my own siblings, simply because I have shared more of my life with them--17 years in Texas! I have often felt that our relationships are the only things that matter--relationship to God, to our families, our friends, our neighbors, even strangers. The quality of our relationships is a measure of the depth of our souls. In this way, I have been truly blessed. Thank you, my friends, for sharing your life with me.

Creativity = satisfaction and fulfillment, i.e. HAPPINESS

2009-10-18T18:11:00.001-05:00

Creativity is a huge part of happiness for me. When I am making something, I just feel good. I come from a creative family. My mother was probably one of the first “Martha Stewart” types of homemakers. She could and would make just about anything, out of a variety of materials—often improvised and usually very inexpensive. She was a great cook, a master seamstress, the original scrap booker, and the Queen of do-it-yourself home improvement projects (with my father as her trusty side-kick). Every house our family lived in was remodeled on a consistent basis. We learned to live amongst the ongoing transition.

As an adult, I have come to truly appreciate how my parents instilled creativity and the constant pursuit of excellence. Fortunately, I married an artist, so I am continuing the tradition—with my own unique twist. I’m hoping my own children will follow along the same path. We’ll see.

I often hear people claim that they don’t have any talents, or they don’t have any creativity within them. They feel intimidated at the thought of being “creative.” I think this quote from Deiter Uchtdorf is the perfect answer to that dilemma:

“The desire to create is one of the deepest yearnings of the human soul. No matter our talents, education, backgrounds, or abilities, we each have an inherent wish to create something that did not exist before. Everyone can create. You don’t need money, position, or influence in order to create something of substance or beauty. Creation brings deep satisfaction and fulfillment. We develop ourselves and others when we take unorganized matter into our hands and mold it into something of beauty. . . . You may think you don’t have talents, but that is a false assumption, for we all have talents and gifts, every one of us. The bounds of creativity extend far beyond the limits of a canvas or a sheet of paper and do not require a brush, a pen, or the keys of a piano. Creation means bringing into existence something that did not exist before.”

Bookstores make me happy

2009-10-10T14:46:00.000-05:00

Last night, my son and I went out for dinner and then to the bookstore. He just recently returned home from spending two years in Mexico as a missionary. He is anxious to start reading in English. So we took a look around. We each bought a couple of books. I got Muriel Barbery's newest book, Gourmet Rhapsody. I loved The Elegance of the Hedgehog, so we'll see if I like this new one.

I think bookstores are such great, comforting places--especially on a cold, rainy fall day like today. I'm in here, working on my laptop via free wifi, which is pretty awesome. The bookstore in my neighborhood is a real community hangout--you're apt to find several of your neighbors and/or their kids wandering around.

I love browsing around, looking at titles, picking up a few that look interesting and maybe reading a page or two, to see if they're any good before I buy. Here's a few interesting titles I found: The Art of Happiness, by the Dalai Lama, 10th anniversary edition.

Here's what the Dalai Lama says (on the back jacket of the book): "Many years ago, I wrote, "If you want others to be happy, practice compassion; and if you want yourself to be happy, practice compassion." The Buddhist tradition has, like many of the world's great spiritual traditions, exhorted us to live our lives compassionately. These spiritual traditions teach us to feel connected with our fellow beings and with the world we live in. They celebrate service to others as one of the highest virtues. Today, growing scientific data confirms this insight. Researchers on human happiness identify compassionate service to others to be one of the key characteristics shared by many of the world's happiest people."

I really believe that. My church is totally focused on compassionate service, especially the Women's group. And my experience, through the years, has led me to understand that when I get outside myself and serve others, I am definitely happier.

Another book title that grabbed my attention today: "Thin is the new Happy", a memoir by Valerie Frankel. I like memoirs. I haven't read this, but the back cover sounds like any woman who has struggled with their weight can relate to this book. I'm not convinced that thin equals happiness. My weight has gone up and down over the years, and although I admit to being happier with the way I LOOK when I'm thinner, I certainly don't think all my problems went away just because I was thin. I think the things you DO to become thin (such as eat healthier and exercise) cause you to feel better, body and soul, and the way you look is just a nice byproduct. Too bad our society puts so much emphasis on how you look. When I was thinner, I received countless compliments, heralding my weight loss as though I had achieved some spectacular feat. In reality, I was at a very unhappy spot in my life. It got to the point where I really hated people making comments about it all the time. So I gained back some of the weight. Now people don't bug me so much!

Are you HAPPY?

2009-10-10T08:56:00.001-05:00

I found this through a friend and thought it was terrific! It is from H/34: Creative Works by Alex Koplin. Apparently you can go on his blog and purchase a poster of it.

Smile, though your heart is breaking......

2009-10-08T11:46:00.000-05:00

No, my heart isn't exactly breaking today....but--I have to say that smiling and humor are huge benefits to my mood. I got the following off the helpguide.org website:

Humor is infectious. The sound of roaring laughter is far more contagious than any cough, sniffle, or sneeze. When laughter is shared, it binds people together and increases happiness and intimacy. In addition to the domino effect of joy and amusement, laughter also triggers healthy physical changes in the body. Humor and laughter strengthen your immune system, boost your energy, diminish pain, and protect you from the damaging effects of stress. Best of all, this priceless medicine is fun, free, and easy to use.

Laughter is a powerful antidote to stress, pain, and conflict. Nothing works faster or more dependably to bring your mind and body back into balance than a good laugh. Humor lightens your burdens, inspires hopes, connects you to others, and keeps you grounded, focused, and alert.

One of my most powerful mentors, my grandmother, was a very happy person. She smiled and laughed a lot. She was just so much fun to be around. Everyone loved her. She lived well into her 90's and although her body was broken down at the end, she rarely felt pain. This may be due to the fact that she laughed so much. I'd like to think so, anyway.

One of my friends, while going through an especially difficult time, rented a bunch of funny movies and sat and watched them over and over again, laughing and laughing until he was exhausted. He felt better after that.

This morning, I was referred to a website called mylifeisaverage.com. Its just small posts about funny things that happen to people every day. Some of them are truly hilarious. I laughed a lot. And I feel better--despite the fact that the water to my house is off for the 7th time in 6th months, due to a huge leak in the water main, and the plumber keeps fixing it--and it keeps breaking, and it has cost me a ton of money!!!! All the things I was going to do this morning, such as shower, do laundry, mop the floor, etc. cannot be done because I have NO WATER!!!! So, instead of cry, I'll just read funny things and LAUGH!!!

Having a grateful heart brings us peace....From my friend KM

2009-10-06T17:41:00.003-05:00

Psalms 100:

Make a joyful noise unto the Lord, all ye lands. Serve the Lord with gladness: come before his presence with singing. Know ye that the Lord he is God: it is he that hath made us, and not we ourselves; we are his people, and the sheep of his pasture. Enter into his gates with thanksgiving, and into his courts with praise: be thankful unto him, and bless his name.

The lds.org website tells us that “Gratitude is a feeling of appreciation and thankfulness for blessings or benefits we have received – that as we cultivate a grateful attitude, we are more likely to be happy and spiritually strong. It says that Gratitude is an uplifting, exalting attitude. People are generally happier when they have gratitude in their hearts. We cannot be bitter, resentful, or mean-spirited when we are grateful.

We should thank our Heavenly Father for His goodness to us by acknowledging His hand in all things, thanking Him for all that He gives us, keeping His commandments, and serving others. We should especially thank Him for His Beloved Son, Jesus Christ, for the Savior's great example, for His teachings, for His outreaching hand to lift and help, for His infinite Atonement.”

Let’s first explore what having a grateful heart means.

In Luke 17:12-19 we find the story of the 10 lepers. As the Savior went through Samaria and Galilee, “he entered into a certain village, [and] there met him ten men that were lepers” who “lifted up their voices, and said, Jesus, Master, have mercy on us.” Jesus told them to go show themselves unto the priest.

“And it came to pass, that, as they went, they were cleansed.

“And one of them, when he saw that he was healed, turned back, and with a loud voice glorified God.

“And fell down … at his feet, giving him thanks: and he was a Samaritan.

“And Jesus answering said, were there not ten cleansed? But where are the nine?

“There are not found that returned to give glory to God, save this stranger.

“And he said unto him, Arise, go thy way: thy faith hath made thee whole” (Luke 17:12–19).

Only the Samaritan had a grateful heart.

In a conference talk given in 1996 President James E. Faust had this to say about this particular example of gratitude from the scriptures:

Leprosy was so loathsome a disease that those afflicted were not permitted under the law to come close to Jesus. Those suffering from this terrible disease were required to agonize together, sharing their common misery. (See Lev. 13:45-46) Their forlorn cry, “Jesus, Master, have mercy on us,” must have touched the Savior’s heart. When they were healed and had received priestly approval that they were clean and acceptable in society, they must have been overcome with joy and amazement. Having received so great a miracle, they seemed completely satisfied. But they forgot their benefactor. It is difficult to understand why they were so lacking in gratitude. Such ingratitude is self-centered. It is a form of pride.

What is the significance of the fact that the one who returned to give thanks was a Samaritan? As in the story of the Good Samaritan, the point seems to be that those of lesser social or economic status often rise to a greater duty and nobility.

A grateful heart, continues President Faust, is a beginning of greatness. It is an expression of humility. It is a foundation for the development of such virtues as prayer, faith, courage, contentment, happiness, love, and well being. As with all commandments, gratitude is a description of a successful mode of living. The thankful heart opens our eyes to a multitude of blessings that continually surround us.”

In the Doctrine and Covenants 78:19 the Lord said “And he who receiveth all things with thankfulness shall be made glorious; and the things of this earth shall be added unto him, even an hundred fold, yea, more.”

Steven Snow, in an October 2001 General Conference address, said this about Gratitude: “It is human nature, I suppose, to seek elsewhere for our happiness. Pursuit of career goals, wealth, and material rewards can cloud our perspective and often leads to a lack of appreciation for the bounteous blessings of our present circumstances.

It is precarious to dwell on why we have not been given more. It is, however, beneficial and humbling to dwell on why we have been given so much. An old proverb states, “The greater wealth is contentment with a little.”

In his letter to the Philippians, Paul wrote, “Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content” (Philip. 4:11).”

President Joseph F. Smith has instructed us that “the spirit of gratitude is always pleasant and satisfying because it carries with it a sense of helpfulness to others; it begets love and friendship, and engenders divine influence. Gratitude is said to be the memory of the heart” (Gospel Doctrine, 5th ed. [1939], 262).

How then does gratitude bring us peace?

This past week, as I’ve thought about what it means to have a grateful heart, and how it can bring me peace, I’ve thought about stepping stones. Stepping stones made from round, generous pieces of solid foundation, which if followed, will lead me where I want to go. Some of you may have seen silver necklaces or bracelets made with beads in the shape of small pebbles or stones with words on them such as love. Faith. Courage. Hope. I envision my stepping stones, similarly marked as I’ll describe.

If my destination is peace, then the first step forward must be honesty. Because having a grateful heart is, first of all, acknowledging the many gifts, kindnesses and blessings that I receive on a daily basis – no matter how routine, small or seemingly insignificant they may be. To be truly grateful, I must then give thanks. This can be done verbally, or in writing, with a smile, handshake or hug, or on my knees in prayer. Next, having a grateful heart means being content with what I have been given. It doesn’t mean “thank you for the lovely gift, BUT could I have some more, or could I have a slightly different color, or could you hold that for me until next week … . it means being content with what I have been given.

Having a grateful heart frees me from greed. Freedom from greed returns to me as a gift of time – time not spent in “busily pursuing” things that have no lasting value. If I have a grateful heart I can enjoy a sense of serenity, and a feeling of calm.

Finally, I came to realize that gratitude for the all the gifts that I have been given, and those that I receive through living the gospel will bring me peace, in this life and the next - and it will bring me closer to the peacemaker.

The peace of Christ does not come by seeking the superficial things of life; neither does it come except as it springs from the individual’s heart. David. O McKay, Conference report, Oct. 1938

The dictionary definition states that peace is a state of tranquility or quiet, freedom from disquieting thoughts or emotions, and harmony in personal relations. According to Joseph B. Wirthlin, in the scriptures, peace means either freedom from strife, contention, conflict, or war - or an inner calm and comfort born of the Spirit that is a gift of God to all of his children, an assurance and serenity within a person’s heart. (Joseph B. Wirthlin, Peace Within, May 1991)

Marion G Romney, suggested that we might think of peace as “harmony within one’s self, and with God and man.”

Joseph B. Wirthlin gave an excellent talk entitled Peace Within in April 1991, largely based on another wonderful talk, entitled The Price of Peace that Marion G. Romney had given 8 years earlier. The following examples were outlined in these 2 talks.

During most of the world’s history, strife, dissension, and conflict have flourished and displaced peace. The times when peace has reigned, it began in the hearts of righteous, obedient individuals and grew until it engulfed a society. We have at least two scriptural accounts of periods of absolute peace:

The first of these periods of peace was among the people of Enoch, who lived before the great flood. They continued in righteousness, and “the Lord came and dwelt with” them. He “called his people Zion, because they were of one heart and one mind, and dwelt in righteousness.” They “built a city that was called the City of Holiness, even Zion” that, in the “process of time, was taken up into heaven.” (Moses 7:16–21.) These people of Enoch are the only ones we know of in the scriptures that have obtained lasting perfect peace.

The second period of peace followed the ministry of the resurrected Jesus among the Nephites. They abolished the works of evil and obtained the fruit of the Spirit. Quoting from the Book of Mormon: “The disciples of Jesus had formed a church of Christ. … And as many as did come unto them, and did truly repent of their sins, were baptized in the name of Jesus; and they did also receive the Holy Ghost.” (4 Ne. 1:1.) Consequently, “there were no contentions and disputations among them” (4 Ne. 1:2) “because of the love of God which did dwell in the hearts of the people. And there were no envyings, nor strifes, nor tumults, nor whoredoms, nor lyings, nor murders, nor any manner of lasciviousness.” (4 Ne. 1:15–16.) “They were in one, the children of Christ, and heirs to the kingdom of God.” (4 Ne. 1:17.) “And every man did deal justly one with another.” (4 Ne. 1:2.) “And surely there could not be a happier people among all the people who had been created by the hand of God.” (4 Ne. 1:16.)

Peace prevailed among the Nephites for almost two centuries. Then some of them deserted the teachings of Jesus Christ and turned to wickedness and selfish pride [ingratitude]. Within another two centuries, the Nephite nation that had enjoyed this long period of perfect peace had destroyed itself in savage civil war.

How can we cultivate and a grateful heart?

The short answer is through practice.

President Monson once said that we should “think to thank”.

Henry B. Eyring, in a 1989 conference address suggested that we can begin a private prayer with thanks. We can start to count our blessings, and then pause for a moment. If we exercise faith, and with the gift of the Holy Ghost, we will find that memories of other blessings will flood into our minds. If we begin to express

gratitude for each of them, our prayer may take a little longer than usual. Remembrance will come. And so will gratitude.

President Spencer W. Kimball said that Journals are a way of counting our blessings and of leaving an inventory of these blessings for our posterity. As we start to write, we can ask ourselves, “How did God bless me today?”

The Prophet Joseph Smith assured us that we can enjoy that peace of God which passeth human understanding (noted in Philip. 4:7.) We can enjoy it personally, within our families, in our communities, in our nations, and in our world if we will do the things that produce it. This peace leads to happiness.

(See Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith, pp. 255–56.)

As I’ve outlined, one of the things that produces peace is showing gratitude, or having a grateful heart. And what better time of year to practice showing gratitude than now.

President J. Reuben Clark, wisely counseled: “Hold fast to the blessings which God has provided for you. Yours is not the task to gain them, they are here; yours is the part of cherishing them” (Church News, 14 June 1969, 2).

I echo his wishes that we may cultivate grateful hearts so that we may cherish the multitude of blessings that God has so graciously bestowed upon us. May we openly express such gratitude to our Father in Heaven and our fellowmen and may we live in peace.

“Live in peace,” said the Apostle Paul, “and the God of love and peace shall be with you” (2 Cor. 13:11).

This is why I cook a meal for my family every night.

2009-10-05T23:04:00.002-05:00

Another shout out to my friend A. for referring me to yet another excellent video by Alain de Boton. This time, I learned about Epicurus, a Greek philosopher. I have long been acquainted with the term “Epicurean” – defined as a person enjoying a rich, indulgent and luxurious lifestyle. This, in fact, is a bit of a misnomer. Although Epicurus did not see anything wrong with “enjoying” life, he wasn’t exactly a self-indulgent slug, either. His main premise is: What we want is not usually what we need. We look for happiness in material goods, wealth, etc. What we really need instead is three things: friends (especially eating meals together), freedom and self-reliance, and self reflection, or an “analyzed life.” Diogenes, a follower of Epicurus, built a wall around the market place, with Epicurus’ philosophy inscribed in the stones—a constant reminder or advertisement for happiness, so all the citizens could learn and be inspired by it. In a way, having a blog is a modern day version of the Diogenes wall—stating ideas and thoughts in hopes of encouraging discussion and learning from the ongoing dialogue.

Happiness is what you make it.....

2009-10-05T22:35:00.000-05:00

Thanks to my friend A. for this video clip. The presenter is Dan Gilbert, and the topic is: "Why are we happy? Why aren't we happy?" Gilbert is a psychology professor at Harvard, and author of "Stumbling on Happiness". In this fascinating talk, Gilbert discusses revealing data from experiments on various students and amnesia patients how our brains choose happiness, no matter what happens to us. In other words, even if we don't get what we originally wanted, we decide eventually that what we ended up with was better anyway, and therefore we are happier. This speaks to the spiritual doctrine that "trials" in life, given to us by God, are really better for us in the end because we learn and grow as a result of the stress. I believe in this principle, simply because I've experienced it myself. If it were possible (and it is not) for a person to live a life of complete ease and lack of problems, how would they possibly develop any character or depth to their soul? So--back to square one: the idea that we can choose to be happy. This is sometimes difficult to accept when you are in the midst of a problem or challenge. But eventually, you can get there if you stick it out. My question is, how does one really find joy in the moment (even if the moment is uncomfortable, painful, sad, whatever). I'm not sure that is possible. And I do think some people, not wanting to "embrace" happiness in that moment, choose bitterness, lose their faith, go into denial, or flee the situation. I think, to be happy, you can allow yourself an appropriate amount of time to grieve, be angry, sad, or whatever--and then move on and embrace what you have learned from the experience, eventually achieving a level of peace and resulting happiness. But it is usually a long process, at least for me.

Happiness in relationship to confidence and fear....and aging

2009-10-05T22:12:00.001-05:00

From a friend, K:

I just spoke with a friend here who will soon be 70 yrs. I mentioned our ongoing discussion about happiness, etc. She is amazing. She lost two children in a car accident coming home for Christmas from BYU years and years ago. She is a 10 year survivor of ovarian cancer. Last year she lost a dear son-in-law to a car accident.

She is so faithful and keeps plugging on always, without focusing on herself. She thinks part of a lack of happiness as we age has to do with a loss of confidence - of physically and mentally being able to tackle tasks that she once could. She also thinks fear comes into it as we age. More fear, less confidence - more sadness.

And a rebuttal, from another friend, L.

First, I must say that I read an article earlier this year that rings much more true about aging and happiness than the Huff Post article we've all been discussing. That the middle years really are times of crisis where people reassess where they've been and feel the pinch of time, etc. But if they navigate themselves successfully through this time of transition and find renewed purpose, studies have shown that age 70 is one of the happiest times of life. (This was a study of both men and women)

By the time you're 70, you can relax; don't have the worries of establishing career, family, etc. In fact, the study showed that 70 year olds were on par with happiness of 20 year olds!

I couldn't disagree with your friend more in terms of confidence and fear. I think that confidence increases as we build up life experience! And we become less fearful. Like, I used to worry so much more about image and what other people might think. Now I don't give a rip. I think that that really sharply drops off with age. You just become more independent in thought and with more than half your life already passed; you come to a place of "It is what it is".

My 30 year class reunion was the most fun because everyone's pretenses had dropped away. At the 10 year reunion we were all trying to look very successful. AT the 20 year, we were all trying to show the perfect children and families. At the 30 year, we all just looked at each other and said, "Well, this is it." Turned up the music and boogied down!!!

I do think that it's not fun lose the physical prowess that we had as young people. Sometimes, when I see how others are aging, it gives me a window into how I must be.

Nevertheless, I'm more confident and fearless than I've ever been. I think that that is life's gift as we lose the quickness and agility of youth, in both mind and body. We just don't care anymore and begin to approach what we've got left in life with a reclaimed childlike joyousness.

Happiness is complex and multi-dimentional....

2009-09-25T08:33:00.001-05:00

Thanks to LM's friend "B" for these thoughts, which are in response to my original question (and Marcus Buckingham's article). This is a good summary of what a lot of us have been saying. PS I was going to post this as a comment, but it was a little longer than most; I thought it was better suited to be a new post.

I think the ability to be happy (for women or men) is complex and multi-dimensional. I believe that this ability is comprised of cognitive, environmental, and physiological elements. A person may be endowed with a happy nature, yet encounter environmental and physiological issues that alter that natural propensity. For example,a naturally positive individual may be born to alcoholic parents and the resulting stress and trauma could alter the brain chemistry of that person, so that they develop chronic depression/anxiety problems. Said person could still work cognitively and behaviorally to deal with these, but they very well might also need medication to help restore a balanced, healthy physiological state.

I believe that many cases of depression and anxiety are due to physiological causes--many more times than we may realize. I believe that there are always things one can do cognitively and behaviorally to help mitigate these, but sometimes one must absolutely have some physical help in the form of anti-depressants, hormone supplements, etc..

Also, from the dawn of time, it's been a given that peri-menopause and menopause causes drastic changes in brain and body chemistry resulting in a host of psychological and physical ailments. Without a doubt. What a bummer. Women do have some extra challenges hormonally from puberty on, like it or not. These certainly don't render us any less productive, intelligent, or valuable in any capacity.

I wonder what Mr. Buckingham's conclusion is? As I think over what he had to say--I'm not sure why the statistics for women's happiness currently show such a decline. Are we more in touch with our feelings in this age of self-awareness? Are we more vocal in expressing these? Were our mothers and grandmothers more stoic? Perhaps.

With regards to the effects of one's environment on happiness, absolutely loving relationships, financial security and prosperity, fulfilling work/tasks/projects, contact with nature, etc., facilitate the state.

And, absolutely--things of the spirit--the arts, creativity of any kind, belief in a higher benevolent power, adherance to a set of positive values, positive mental and spiritual stimulation provide a breeding ground for happiness.

However, if a person has all of the above, yet still experiences depression/anxiety, I believe that the cause is very likely physical.

I also believe that an artistic/creative temperament doesn't always go hand in hand with mental illness and self-destruction. I'm thinking of some of my life-guides and favorite artists: Madeleine, C.S. Lewis, Tolkien, Sulamith, my parents, Mary O'Hara, Ann Moray...

Also, I believe that sometimes, the appropriate emotion IS unhappiness (of course). And, sometimes, just for no reason at all, we're going to feel melancholy. Our spirits are missing the stars. Sometimes, when I come face to face with the stark realization that I'm just not happy--I think to myself, "Oh well, so I'm not happy. Maybe that's okay." And then I either "vege" that day, or just DO SOMETHING. Goethe said, "Anything you can do or dream, you can begin it." Those beginnings are a big deal.

Here are a few good quotes from somebody I really trust, C.S. Lewis:

"To get up each morning with the resolve to be happy...is to set our own conditions to the events of each day. To do this is to condition circumstances instead of being conditioned by them." (Cognitive)

"The homemaker has the ultimate career. All other careers exist for one purpose only--and that is to support the ultimate career." (What a cool view--he "recognizes" us!)

"What saves a man is to take a step. Then another step..." (Cognitive and Behavioral)

"You don't have a soul. You are a Soul. You have a body." (Physiological causes)

Am I a loser or a piece of beautiful, tragic art?

2009-09-23T20:08:00.001-05:00

I find this talk very uplifting (for all my girls out there, yes--even a man can have good thoughts!) All kidding aside, Alain de Botton is, dare I say, preaching a secular form of the Gospel; Sort of like a modern, business world version of Jesus. As I listened to Alain speak, many Gospel Principles came to my mind, such as:

Regarding "Meritocracy"
Alma, Chapter 30
V.V. 17......but every man fared in this life according to the management of the creature; therefore every man prospered according to his genius,

Regarding the judgment of others:

Matthew, Chapter 7, Verse 1: Judge not, that ye be not judged.

Regarding Perspective, choices, or "Having it All":

Doctrine and Covenants Section 10, Verse 4: Do not run faster or labor more than you have strength...but be diligent unto the end.

The scriptures, and the Gospel of Jesus, have the answers for me.

When you're a Brit, apparently its easier!

2009-09-23T07:50:00.002-05:00

This is from one of LM's friends:

Only to be appreciated fully by an Englishwoman like yourself, I am sure:

“I saw a documentary on an international mental health study where a British woman dressed in a twinset, tweed skirt and brogues from a small village was asked if she ever felt depressed. "Nonsense," she replied, "I have a garden and a dog. That is all any Englishman needs to be happy!"

I wish it were that simple for me! I do believe that gardening is VERY therapeutic, and although I am a sporadic gardener, I have enjoyed every moment, even pulling weeds. My kids think I'm nuts about that part! Its all part of the getting out into nature idea. My daughter told me, several years ago when she was still in High School, that she learned that native American Indians have a cure for the blues -- go outside and stand in the dirt in your bare feet. I think it works, really, I do!

Also, animals are very therapeutic. We currently have two kittens, and they are a delight. I love all animals, but with my busy household, we have not had very good luck with dogs. Its a long story--one I won't go into right now. Suffice it to say that cats are far less high maintenance than dogs, so its just easier. And everyone in the family agrees that we all like cats. So they keep us happy. There is nothing better than a soft, furry, warm little creature greeting you every morning like you are the best thing in the world.

On Darkness and Light, from AH

2009-09-23T07:42:00.000-05:00

I was kept up later than usual recently, as I had a guest who got very caught up with me in the new season House opener, and was sharing for the first time that in his late teens, he was confined in a mental institution for nearly a year and the pain and anguish around that. Apparently sad topics have been the theme for me in the last couple days! The visit went longer than expected naturally. His take on most of the people he observed (and himself) while in there was that severe abuse and pain was the cause of most of the problems the people there had, not a chemical imbalance.

I’ve some tapes of David Whyte and remembered him, it was my first exposure to Jerry Wennstrom, and I didn’t really pay attention to his story, I was looking for a glimpse of David Whyte to share. His material is really rich in exploring the inner world. I’ve done some Shadow work which I found to be very illuminating. One quote I’ve carried with me from that work is:

"One thing that comes out in myths is that at the bottom of the abyss comes the voice of salvation. The black moment is the moment when the real message of transformation is going to come. At the darkest moment comes the light." Joseph Campbell

One of my friends in the Jewish faith has talked to me about the Kabala at times, and one of the interesting things I’ve taken away from that discussion is the recognition that there are some themes, some knowledge that is best approached when one has sufficient life experience and balance. There is a book that is very thought provoking “Avalanche: Heretical Reflections on the Dark and the Light”, < http://www.amazon.com/Avalanche-Heretical-Reflections-Dark-Light/dp/0345367227> that feels to me like it would fit into that category of knowledge. I don’t buy it all, but has a very interesting take on sadness.

“In his powerful bestselling book Joy's Way, Dr. W. Brugh Joy shared the story of the spiritual transformation that led him to abandon his medical practice and indeed his whole way of life. In the ten years since, Dr. Joy has experienced the dramatic second stage of his spiritual evolution and Avalanche is the result. In this iconoclastic book, Dr. Joy challenges the idealistic vision of spirituality as an experience of love, light, and harmony. He dares to appreciate the dark, shadow side of human nature that, if left unintegrated, can wreak havoc in our lives.

In fact, Dr. Joy sees shadow work as essential for the evolution of consciousness. He explores the dynamic of the shadow in such issues as multiple personalities as the basis of self, the collapse of exclusively masculine spiritual values, the emergence of the divine feminine and the counter forces that are set in motion in backlash against it, the power of destruction as a purging and healing force, and the battle of the individual with the collective. To access our hidden dark side, Dr. Joy offers as tools dreamwork, archetypes, rituals, and rites of passage, which can set the stage for transformation. Sure to generate controversy, Avalanche demands -- and rewards -- readers who are willing to experience their own deep psyche.”

I think one can be wise and innocent at the same time. Innocence connotes to me a purity of soul and intention.

I find it interesting that our country’s early years had people putting happiness into the discourse of the country’s future – life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. More recently another politician referenced it:

“Here we are the way politics ought to be in America ; the politics of happiness, the politics of purpose and the politics of joy.” Hubert H. Humphrey

Good ol’ Mark Twain is as funny as ever: “Sanity and happiness are an impossible combination.”

Another opinion - “A lifetime of happiness! No man alive could bear it: it would be hell on earth.” George Bernard Shaw

What it all means so far....

2009-09-22T22:19:00.001-05:00

This ongoing dialogue has been extremely interesting and helpful to me personally. I think the answer to my original question, "Why are women becoming sadder as they age?" is multi-faceted. First of all, statistics can be misleading, and I'm not sure that ALL women are becoming sadder as they age, or that ALL women are less happy than their mothers were. Secondly, it is quite clear from the discussions on menopause that depression is common during this phase of life. Unfortunately, as women we all have to go through it--but, there are great suggestions for coping: Exercise, good nutrition, spirituality, relationships/connectivity to our family and friends, gratitude, keeping a journal, and keeping a balanced perspective in regard to all the choices out there. I think it is important to distinguish between serious depression, where one might need counseling and prescription medication -- with the "normal" day-to-day distractions, disappointments and stresses we must face, and then cope with. We all have choices in how we cope. And that is okay. I have coped with stuff in my life differently from time to time, depending on what is going on. I am not embarrassed to say that I take a daily dose of anti-depression medication. Its a low dose, but it helps me stay in control of my emotions. My nutrition and daily exercise fluctuate--somedays I'm better at it than other days. But I do keep trying. I especially enjoyed one of my friend's reference to her inspiration to quilt. I also enjoy that creative outlet very much. It eases my mind, calms me down. So does being out in nature. Our family often vacations in rural Wyoming, where I find it so beautiful, so soothing. Ultimately, the relationships I have with others is my balm of Gilead. I truly feel that relationships are the only thing that really matter in life, and thus bring you the most joy. Relationship with God, with spouse, with children, other family members, friends, even neighbors and acquaintances. Our interactions with others speak volumes of our inner character. Are we kind, or are we impatient? Do we succumb to road rage? I realize no one is perfectly in harmony with their inner good intentions at all times. That is the big challenge. But you have to keep trying. One day at a time. Sometimes, one moment at a time.

What a coincidence!

2009-09-22T21:39:00.000-05:00

I saw this video on mormon.org, which is about Happiness! Its short, but worth viewing. Another great film, well done, from the LDS church. Enjoy!

A man's perspective--from my friend AG

2009-09-22T21:25:00.000-05:00

It troubles me that sadness/depression/ sorrow seems to be an ongoing problem faced by the women in the church. When I served as Bishop of our ward, this was the number one problem that my sisters talked about.

One of the things I tried to do was ban from Sacrament Meeting talks that included shopping lists of more things to do. It was difficult because this way of thinking and speaking has become so ingrained in LDS culture - or is just that way in Alberta? Several times we asked members to talk about God's watchful care over his children, or his unconditional love for his children. What came out was the idea that we had to EARN his love by doing this, or that we had to EARN his protection by doing that, or that we had to EARN our salvation by doing everything. These tasks are not only daunting, but impossible. LIke Brother Robinson said, that approach sounds more like the "Bad News" than the "Good News". The gospel really is the "Good News" of salvation. I hope we can feel more fully God's grace and mercy in our lives. As Paul said, "Thanks be to God who giveth us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ."

Psalm 121

I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills, from whence cometh my help. My help cometh from the Lord, which made heaven and earth. He will not suffer thy foot to be moved; he that keepeth thee will not slumber. Behold, he that keepeth Israel shall neither slumber nor sleep. The Lord is thy keeper: the Lord is thy shade upon they right hand. The sun shall not smite thee by day nor the moon by night. The Lord shall preseve thee from all evil: he shall preserve thy soul. The Lord shall preserve thy going out and thy coming in from this time forth, and even for evermore.

From another sister-in-law, KR

2009-09-22T21:23:00.000-05:00

I am a mother of two young children and still trying to grow my family. While I am not old enough to be going through menopause yet, I have had many hormone issues and have been dealing with a lot of the same symptoms as menopause and many more. Between my health problems and the day to day life of a mother, wife, maid, cook, and what ever else life calls for, things get overwhelming. Overall happiness has been a struggle for sometime now. I can find the joy in moments and in my blessings at times but the overall feeling on a consistent basis has not been there.

My take on why women in general are unhappy is that we are not living in today, we are always looking towards tomorrow. In the 1950's women did not have as many opportunities or choices, but they looked towards a day they would. Much like the women then we too look towards the day we can have more, we just now have endless choices before us. Its the waiting for something better, wondering if a different choice would make us happier. I remember when I was dating my husband, I knew he was it, but he wasn't quite sure yet. He told me he wanted to see what all his options were before he settled down. Well he obviously figured out I was his best option. Are we doing the same thing, wanting to see what all our options are before we settle down in our life, and really be present in our life and not sub consciously out searching for better options. What happens when the options are endless! Will we ever be happy with what we have if we think there is something better out there? We live in a world that tell us we should have it "all", what is this "all" everyone keeps talking about? My "all" has to be different than your "all", we are all uniquely different. So why are we looking for happiness in the "all" (money, career, family, love, freedom, fame) the world has proclaimed as being the way to happiness. I am not naive enough to realize that this is a very broad and generalized view, but its what came to mind as I read all of your responses.

On a more personal note on how I am dealing with my own happiness issues. I am learning that awareness and verbal acknowledgment is key for me. Being aware of what is happening in my life, from kids, husband, home, work and my own well being, to what is going on outside my own little world. Awareness brings to light not only good things about your life but the bad things as well, and gives you the opportunity to see things for what they really are instead of searching for a different reality. Verbally acknowledging these things makes them real and makes us face them instead of denying them.It also gives us the chance to except what we see or decide to make changes to the aspects we don't like. Being aware of my health issues and really looking at how they have effected me and my family has given me a strange kind of freedom to pull myself out of the center of my problems and see them more objectively. I still have my moments where no matter how hard I try, I am there in the center of it all and totally consumed by it. But those moments are becoming fewer and far between. Of course I am also doing what my hormone doctor has suggested and that is part of the change as well.

Simplify, from my sister-in-law, SLR

2009-09-22T21:21:00.000-05:00

Wow, there have been so many responses to your question. I don't feel like there is much that I can add. A little of my own perspective maybe. Simple as it may be.

I think that as women we put so much pressure on ourselves to do it all and have it all and we set the bar so high that it can be almost impossible to reach. In doing so we set ourselves up to be disappointed in ourselves and our situation. I know I do that. I think we need to cut ourselves a break. Focus on the good things that we do and stop beating ourselves up for the things we're not or have no control over. Cut out the things that are not totally necessary. Simplify,Simplify,Simplify. (I say that because I need that.)

Choice, like so many have mentioned is huge. We must choose to be happy. Some days are harder than others. When I'm down that can be an irritating thing to hear but none the less true. Mom always used to drill that into my head. It's a choice.

As you know, I'm big into exercise. I can honestly say that Jazzercise saves me. Sometimes when I feel like I'm going to lose it, I go teach my class and everthing seems to melt away. It is truely therapy for me. My husband can even see a huge difference in me. Exercise releases endorphins which creates a sense of well being. It helps me get the "gunk" out. Not to mention, when you look better, you feel better! It helps me better manage the tough stuff.

No matter what I do though, I'm the most happy when I'm in touch with the Lord. I was preparing a lesson for Relief Society a few weeks ago and came across this scripture that really touched me.

2 Corinthians 12 8-10
8 For this thing I besought the Lord thrice, that it might depart from me. 9. And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strenghth is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 10. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.

Wow, do I ever need the power of Christ to rest upon me. That is when I feel peace. Happiness.

On Gratitude from LM's friend

2009-09-22T21:19:00.002-05:00

I believe with all my heart that my happiness is directly measured by my own sense of gratitude. The more grateful I am, the greater my happiness seems to be and the greater my ability to succor others. My lack of gratitude sucks at my ability to fill my own needs and leaves me quite incapable of serving the needs of others causing discouragement, discontentment and depression. The more discouraged I am, the less organized, more chaotic and disgruntled I become. I become so unhappy and wonder why, ……. only to realize how I have distanced myself from God. I repent and begin (again and again) to recognize without His sweet spirit in my life, I become the “nothing” that encompasses my discouragement, discontentment and depression. I (struggle to) begin to think of the happiness of others (and struggle again and again to) ignore my own unhappiness and find purpose in “doing for others” which begins to dissolve the feelings of discouragement, discontentment and depression. I discover (again and again---I believe it is a cycle) that my sense of purpose and giving of myself seems to combat my strong sense of selfishness that displays itself as discouragement, discontentment and depression. I find, for me, if I can always remember to serve quietly and regularly, I can stay on a fairly even keel striving for selflessness.

Happiness is an attitude I want to choose everyday when I get up in the morning. I can choose to be happy—to embrace it or reject it. I may be simplistic, but it works ever so well for me. Happiness IS an attitude of gratitude.

I am still working on the perfect recipe. It is a continual life-long pursuit.

On Innocence Lost and Found, from LM

2009-09-22T21:18:00.000-05:00

I love the idea of finding something pleasant in your immediate surroundings everyday. If that's not the secret to happiness, I don't know what is. That is what children do, find delight and wonder in the present, in the world around them. And children do seem to have a special claim to happiness. Unashamed, spontaneous joy.

I went to the Youtube link and watched the David Whyte commentaries about the art of Jerry Wennstrom (I think that was the name). Never heard of either of these guys. And Jerry seemed like the ultimate wierdo and I was not at all drawn to his art. I found it rather unsettling and uncomfortable. But what they said rang very true.

Their discussion of reclaiming innocence through a journey of darkness is a theme that I've been ruminating on for about 15 years now. I think that it is what Christ meant when he said, "Be ye as little children". That is, innocence, as in keeping that element of wonder and surprise and joy alive in our hearts even when we are old. It's a rejection of becoming "jaded". WE choose innocence. Whereas, children don't choose innocence, they are fresh and new. They simply are. Whereas, as adults we must consciously choose it. In a Joseph Smith lesson that I taught a few months ago, there was a quote, "As you increase in innocence and virtue, as you increase in goodness, let your hearts expand, let them be enlarged toward others...."

It is an interesting concept to "increase or grow" in innocence, as we tend to think of innocence as something that is had and lost, never to be regained again. But it is not so. Innocence does not solely belong to the unconscious realm of children. It also belongs to the conscious world of adulthood, where it means so much more because it is chosen. And I found it so true when David Whyte said that when we lose our innocence is when we become "besieged by the world". How true it is!

He also talks about the sad adult response to the world that we have to act upon it in order to somehow deserve to be a part of it. Rather than simply accepting the world around us and BEING a part of it, without feeling a call to action. Simply a call to BEING. which I also think is another aspect of childlikeness.

Another issue he brought up that hit close to home was the difficulty of claiming our own happiness. And that by claiming our own happiness, we'd be "out of a job" so much so that "grasping the hand of contentment is like grasping the hand of death." Meaning, that if we cease to struggle, are we dead? I've often wondered if some people are addicted to the adrenalin and drama of trauma and struggle. Brings to mind Carly Simon's words, "Suffering is the only thing that makes me feel I'm alive." And goes back to my earlier meanderings of being frightened by joy.

Several years ago, I read Sue Monk Kidd's first book When The Heart Waits, that she published long before she was the famous Secret Life of Bees author. I thought it was a brilliant book about seeing yourself through a midlife crisis. Cocooning and waiting out the darkness. Waiting for what it has to teach us. Really really good.

Thoughts from my friend AH

2009-09-22T21:13:00.001-05:00

Ah, I have read the article now. And there have been so many great things shared that I can ‘second’. Building on that maybe I have some unique, or strange? perspectives.

1) Without a doubt, I am happier than my mother was at the same age (hmmmm this doesn’t jive with the article) AND my mother always said that her mid-forties and beyond were the happiest years of her life!

2) My mother would turn over in her grave at the thought of more choice being a source of depression. She worked so hard and was so vocal about how she wanted me to have more choices than she. She came of age during the Great Depression, and as hard as things are right now, they don’t seem as bad as what she and other relatives living in that time experienced. That being said, being in the place where I’ve actually experienced the ‘more choice’ life, I can see that what HB pointed out is certainly a downside. I used to get rather caught up in the wide variety of choices and found myself getting rather ‘stuck’ and unable to act. I think I’ve gotten to a better place from the direction of conscious choice of dwelling in the present and not allowing myself to go to the ‘regret’ phase. No matter which path we take, we gain learning and experience that will inform the next steps. If I get stuck in any past eddies now, it’s more that I feel angst about not seeing the other path that lay before me at the time at all, and now I have the perspective that there was another path at certain junctures that might have been chosen.

3) I have to reiterate what has already been written that with all the things you’ve listed as causing you to feel depressed, it would be abnormal NOT to be depressed. Tears clear toxins, allow yourself the process of sadness, and come out on the other side refreshed.

4) I love David Whyte, an Irish poet, in moody times. Here’s a piece where he is talking about an artist, but in the middle he talks about happiness, and middle age: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iHLhxuQygyI

5) I, like you, have been mostly a person counted on to be happy, and I generally am. However I have had my sad moments for sure.

6) The unemployed husband issue must be difficult. With this economy it’s really doubly or triply difficult. It’s not all that easy a process in normal times, and with this economy it must truly be discouraging. I don’t know all the tools he’s used, but if he hasn’t tried JibberJobber (http://www.jibberjobber.com/login.php) it’s a great organizing tool for the search, and seeing the documentation of your efforts can give a positive sense of accomplishment towards the goal.

7) There are so many aspects of the country/world that are in chaos right now, it’s really hard not to be affected by the times we are in, not the least of which is the economy. The upside is that if we’re not paralyzed, it is an unprecedented opportunity to effect change in the systems that are broken. Another upside is that we tend to get a reality check on what it is that matters most to us and it sustains us.

8) There is a lot of reexamination at the midpoint in our lives as we’ve been busy accomplishing, and our spiritual aspirations and aspects become even more important. It’s a time when many of us have the opportunity to recreate ourselves and the structure of our lives. It’s a good thing that brings in fresh air and keeps us aligned with our inner compass if we take the opportunity to pause the auto-pilots and take charge of the wheel. We start making bucket lists, and can have a lot of fun making sure we get to everything before our health or circumstances prevent us.

Hope this is helpful.

PS. Being the sole caregiver for an 89 year old father with Alzheimer’s gives plenty of room for getting a bit ground down and exhausted, thus a bit sad. One of the practical things I do is since I can’t do the running around the globe finding fun things as I used to, I get my adventure and perspective on the day by focusing on writing about a food or local topic for my blog. It’s the one space I have to enter another world no matter where I am… I can not fail to observe then something pleasant in my immediate surroundings each day as I ‘have’ to write! A little different take on gratitude journaling.

Distrusting our happy moments by LM

2009-09-22T21:09:00.000-05:00

I love your expansion of the idea of how acceptance works towards happiness. You are so right. What exactly do we accept and when? The idea that life is full of bads and goods and accepting that reality and not being thrown by it is so right. And not letting our unhappy moment define our personhood is key.

I think that Americans, especially, are prone to sense of entitlement to happiness. We live in a country where we are in charge of our own destinies and the pursuit of happiness in our inalienable right....... ...and when we don't have it, we wonder what is wrong.

The "you deserved to have it all" media also perpetuates this myth that causes so much dissatisfaction.

I think that way too often people (more women than men) make a career out of being unhappy. If they weren't unhappy, or angry, or whatever, they wouldn't know who they were.

But when we are going through the hardships, it is sometimes hard to remember that "this too shall pass". I've noticed that when I'm happy, I regard it with a little bit of distrust. I wonder how long this good fortune can last and prepare myself for its flight, which in itself erodes the fullness of the moment's joy. I wonder what I did to deserve such happiness. Sometimes, I think I might be afraid to be happy. Why? Is it that I realize its impermanence and fear the letdown when it goes? Or is it that I don't feel I deserve to be happy on some level?

Yet, when unhappiness comes in.........it' s like it settles right in with a heavy darkness and makes itself a home in me. And I find myself thinking, "I'll never be happy again." And I often need dear friends to shed the light on me and help me to remember that "this too shall pass."

Why is it that joy seems so fleeting, and sadness seems so permanent?

Thoughts on Acceptance by LM's Aunt

2009-09-22T21:07:00.000-05:00

I think Michael J. Fox meant that happiness grows in direct proportion with your acceptance of your life, your world, your circumstances - not your acceptance of being unhappy! And as far as unhappiness growing in direct proportion with your expectations - yes, if you are always expecting more, you will never be happy with what you have. I totally understand this quote and agree with it whole heartedly. I don't remember ever being an unhappy person - even when I was in a destructive and abusive marriage, when I was a struggling divorced mother of two living on food stamps, when I finally found love and my lover moved 3000 miles away - why - because you accept that there are unhappy moments in your life - everyone has terrible, unhappy, disappointing, sad moments in their lives. How long those moments last is what makes you a happy or unhappy person. If you accept that those times will exist for everyone, but look for the things that can balance those things out, you live a happy life with unhappy moments that don't define your whole life or personhood. If you have expectations that you should always have everything the way you need or want it to be - yes, you will become more and more unhappy.

Recently reading about Patrick Swayze and Teddy Kennedy I have been touched by just that - they had terrible unbearable things occur in their lives, but they both died "happy people" because they found love and meaning in the good things in their lives and did not accept that their fate defined their happiness or personhood. They were both amazing men who knew they were fighting losing battles yet did not let that define them in their last days.

Adam and Eve, from LM

2009-09-22T21:04:00.000-05:00

Choices are such a mixed blessing. How much happier we are when we have the freedom to choose..............but how hard having those choices and freedoms are!!! I think that women, especially, always have their eye on the smorgasbord of choices and are afraid of making the wrong choice and then after finally making my choice, I find it hard to be happy in it, wondering if I've missed anything. Crazy. I think it's why Lucifer was able to get through to Eve in the Garden of Eden. She saw the world in living color and wanted to make sure that she was getting all the pieces. Whereas, Adam, being a man, saw the world in black and white. Thus is life was simpler, but not so progressive. Eve was more complex and progressive, but needed the protection and grounding that Adam had to offer while Eve was the first to step out and risk. I hate to be so labeling of men and women. Sorry. And of course, it would probably require a whole book to properly treat it. But I really do think that women suffer with indecision in a way that men don't. So...............what's the science behind that?????

Really great thoughts from my friend KG

2009-09-22T21:01:00.000-05:00

You raise a very interesting issue, so much so that the dirty dishes that were on my agenda today will just have to wait a bit longer. Twist my rubber arm. I think I have quite a bit to add to the discussion. I too, consider myself a generally optimistic person, silly and happy; I love to laugh! Paradoxically, I have experienced bouts of clinical depression and dysthymia (sub-clinical depression) for much of my adult life. I've also worked in psychiatry when I was an occupational therapist, so I know what it's like on "both sides of the couch".

I see two topics to discuss:

1. What you can do right now to be happy (or happier)

2. Why women in general are less happy

First, what you can do right now to be happy.

I think bad family news (divorce, death, troubled children, depressed husband due to unemployment) are all really good reasons to be sad. It would be strange if you were not; you're not made of stone, and that's a good thing. You care. Menopause causes hormonal changes that send your emotions every which way - remember going through puberty? There were days as a teenager when I would feel 4 or 5 different strong emotions in one day and wonder what planet I had stepped off of! Menopause can also screw up your sleep patterns - if you don't get enough sleep, you are going to have trouble dealing with most everything, no question. That being said, what can you do to balance out these reasonable causes of sadness?

Nutrition

I really am sorry to say that chocolate is not the answer. Really sorry. I thought it was the answer for a long time, and by doing so forgot that good nutrition, i.e. a balanced diet with lots of fruit and vegetables, lean protein and whole grains are the gasoline that make our bodies go. (Word of Wisdom, anyone?) A giant bag of peanut M & M's can give you a lot of energy for a couple of hours, but the crash afterwards is just not worth it. Just like putting sand in the gas tank. A diet high in simple carbohydrates linked with external stressors can increase your cortisol levels (cortisol is the "fight or flight" hormone) which in turn can deplete the available magnesium in your body - and well, blah, blah, blah, this happened to me, I changed my diet and took magnesium supplements and found a marked change in my ability to think clearly and roll with the punches. (But you don't have to cut out the chocolate entirely. A little bit of chocolate -the darker the better- is a good thing.)

Exercise

Twenty to thirty minutes of exercise a day (enough to work up a sweat) has been shown to decrease cortisol levels and increase the available serotonin in the brain. And it is good to do that exercise outside, if you can, because . . .

Light

our bodies need a certain amount of sunlight to work properly. Why? I can't explain it right now, especially when I have 4 sixth-grade boys running around the house at the moment (up here in Edmonton we have "Professional Development" days at school where the kids get the day off while the teachers have in-service, and today is one of those days). Suffice it to say that I got a lot of these ideas from a great book called "When Your Body Gets the Blues: The Clinically Proven Program for Women Who Feel Tired and Stressed and Eat Too Much", by Marie-Annette Brown and Jo Robinson, two researchers from the University of Washington (go Huskies!). They did a specialized study on women and depression after a survey of the literature and came up with an easy, balanced program that tested out well in clinical trials. Here is a link to their website: http://thebodyblues.com/index.html I recommend the book highly. I didn't buy it, but simply checked it out from the library.

When I am not sick with the flu (like the last 3 weeks) I try to get out into the daylight for at least 20 minutes a day. This is not that hard. I don't use sunglasses as much as I used to so that I can collect all the sunlight I can. I also use a light-box sometimes, which is a treatment for SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder). The difference in my mood is remarkable during the space of one to several days of light-box treatment. Kathy, you might want to investigate this option. (See this site for a brief overview: http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/seasonal-affective-disorder-treatment/DN00013). But try the sunshine first. It is cheap and so wonderful. Intertwined with light is . . .

Nature

just being outside in nature. Simple, lovely, and refreshing. There is some evidence that moving water (surf, waterfalls, and to a lesser extent rivers and fountains) have not only a psychological but physical effect on mood (the splashing of the water releases negative ions into the air). Does this sound too new-agey? Well, I'm not an airy-fairy person, so skip that last sentence about negative ions if you want to, and just enjoy the waves.

Spirituality

I am much happier when I make room for God every day. I think our spirits are just like our bodies - they need constant nourishment. We do "not live by bread only, but by every word that proceedeth out of the mouth of the Lord". (Deut 8:3; Matt 4:4). Christ is trying to tell us something when he likens himself to bread and water. Our bodies need those things every day; our spirits need spiritual food every day.

How do I feed my spirit? Read the scriptures, every day. (OK, I don't do this every day but I'm happier when I do.) Ponder things of the spirit. Go to church and be with fellow believers. Do these sound like "Sunday School" answers? They do, but I think we hear these things over and over because, more than we realize, we are surrounded by "mists of darkness" and we must be reminded to grab hold of the "iron rod". "Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path." (Psalm 119:105).

When I make time for these devotions I am creating an environment that is receptive to the communication of the Holy Spirit. God wants to connect with us. "Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you; For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened." (Matt 7:7-8) Confide in Heavenly Father. Tell Him how you are feeling. He wants to help you. Ask Him what you can do to feel better. I am confident that he will answer. He told me something once that I wouldn't believe, because it was spending time on myself: make some quilts. When I finally did what he told me to, it helped; I did feel better.

I also find that going to the temple brings me a great deal of peace and perspective. The temple is a source of great power. "And we ask thee, Holy Father, that thy servants may go forth from this house armed with thy power, and that thy name be upon them, and thy glory round about them, and thine angels have charge over them." (D&C 109:21). I need that power in my life to meet my challenges, both within and without.

Miscellaneous

Here are some ideas that have helped me at various times:

- Sharing my concerns with someone I trust. I think you have already done this to some extent by sending your email. Just connecting with someone who cares about me helps me feel better. Often the point is not to solve any problems, but just to talk about how I'm feeling, and knowing that I am not alone.

- Taking a "news break". When I am feeling negative I don't need to read or hear about bad news, and the news is bad surprisingly often! I skip the newspaper and the tv and radio newscasts, and try to focus on the positive things around me.

- Being patient and kind with myself. I try not to spend time feeling bad about feeling bad!

- Doing something I enjoy every day that is just for myself. Working on a quilt (and not feeling guilty about it), watching a funny or uplifting movie, dancing to a favorite song, stuff like that.

- Working in the garden. I always remind myself that God is a gardener. I feel closer to Him when I'm pulling weeds, oddly enough.

- Doing something kind for someone else.

- Thinking about 5 things for which I'm grateful. I think the "gratitude journal" idea is very good.

- Have sex. I know it is hard when you are feeling low, but it is so good for you! Find out what helps put you in the mood and use it! (Rock and roll or funk works for me.)

Ruminations on Robert Frost by my friend HB

2009-09-22T20:55:00.001-05:00

I agree about the impact of choices on happiness. The more choices we have, the harder it is to choose and the less satisfied we'll be with whatever choice we make. When we make a choice, we're not just choosing something, but we're also rejecting the alternatives, so the more options we have, the more things we're rejecting when we make a choice, and that can be difficult. Also, as we reflect on our choices, we have more to regret if our initial choice was one of several things, and not just A or B. So as we women have more choices about how to live our lives, the more we're likely to fall into being dissatisfied with some of our choices because we keep thinking about the roads not taken.

Writing the phrase "roads not taken" made me think of Frost's poem The Road Not Taken. Here it is:

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;	5

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,	10

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.	15

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.	20

What really stands out to me just now is how simple Frost makes the decision process seem. He's in a wood and has to decide between one road or the other. But what happens when there are four roads or six or ten roads? I think he'd be standing a lot longer in the wood if he had to decide between four roads or more. Also, Frost acknowledges that although we may tell ourselves that if the decision doesn't work out we will go back and take the other road, the reality is that usually isn't possible. We know this, and that makes it harder to choose one road over another. And finally, Frost acknowledges that in the future we'll look back with a sigh and a regret on some of our decisions, but on the whole, we should be happy with the decisions we've made.

Okay, English lesson over. Here are some suggestions: simplify choices whenever possible, don't do volumes of research, give yourself a deadline for researching a decision, then make the decision. Remember that delaying or avoiding a decision doesn't mean that you're keeping all of your options open - some options may close while you're making up your mind. And once you've made a decision, don't go over and over it. If you're not happy with the results , make new decisions that will get you where you want to be, but don't go back and try to redo a decision that's already been made. You may not be able to get back to that same fork in the road, but you can always make choices that will put you closer to where you want to be. Cut yourself some slack - remember that you made the best decision you could with what you knew at the time. If you now know that wasn't the best choice, then take steps to change it, but don't beat yourself up for having made the initial decision.

From my friend TWS

2009-09-22T20:49:00.000-05:00

I have read many of your comments and find them all fascinating. I agree with many of you. Look at nature around you and all your problems don't seem as big. Exercise (something I'm not doing enough of lately), spend time with friends, read a good book, keep family close, take care of your spiritual side, etc. are all great ideas. My take on one reason that women don't seem as happy is that as women, we are told we can have it all. Some of us don't want it all and feel guilty because something must be wrong with us if we don't. Some of us try to have it all at once and it is very hard to do. Something usually has to give, most of the time it is us. I think that women can have it all if they choose to but not all at once. I loved the time that I took to raise my children. Now that they are older, I have chosen to start a new career in teaching. After one month, my students seem to be learning and enjoying my class (a huge worry for a 1st year teacher). My family is doing well at home. My children are picking up some of the slack at home, like their laundry. Life is good.

I think that it comes down to choices. If someone is truly depressed, seek professional help. If it is a general malaise, get out and help someone else. That usually helps me feel better about my problems and my life. Giving back to the community or a friend is a great thing.

Regarding Statistics from my friend SST

2009-09-22T20:45:00.000-05:00

Just my opinion - (and I don't want to be contrary but...)

First, an interesting article, but it actually seems to overstate the argument for decreasing happiness being made by the accompanying graphs. The statistical portion on the graph labeled "decreased happiness" is fractional; it goes from the peak of about 2.24 in 1972 down to about 2.175 in 2008. That is on a scale of 1-3, and there is always a margin of error in such surveys and polls. (As my husband says, "Beware of polls and numbers because the people behind them can make them say pretty much whatever they want them to say" or "These are lies, damned lies and statistics"). So, I'm not sure that I'm buying what this author is selling!

Now, on a more personal level, I think that we all, men and women, experience highs and lows in life and some people seem to have more ups and downs than others. Some of us have had more lows than highs in recent years (or at least it sometimes feels like that), and that is just not fun. Some people also seem to deal with their lows better than others. After crying and feeling sad and crying on the shoulders of family and friends, I generally try to cope by getting up and getting busy, being employed, cleaning out closets, visit teaching, extra service for others, etc. I also feel free to indulge myself and lift my spirits by eating ice cream and reading "happy endings" books! And sometimes I just follow the example of Scarlett and choose to "think about it tomorrow!".

One other thing that I know is helpful is regular exercise (although I've been not heeding this counsel myself for the past six months).

From another sister RGS

2009-09-22T20:35:00.001-05:00

I've always had such a restless spirit/soul. If I can't make things better, then I remove the bad from my life. The result, of course, has been two failed marriages.

But, I'm in such a good place right now and my life is peaceful and full of love. My children, of course, the grandkids, of course, but mostly, because I'm in charge of my life. If I make mistakes, and I have made many, then I know who to blame -- me.

I've worked hard, but everyone in our family are pluggers. We were raised that way. Today, I know that I'm going to be all right. I'm still working, of course, but my job is great, I'm challenged every day, I learn new things, I know I contribute in a very significant way to my company. Those are good things and I am grateful I can still contribute.

I don't recommend cutting out those things that are frustrating and painful, because, as you have all said, those things tend to pass, if we're lucky. Then, again hopefully, your familes are still whole and intact.

I'm just way too impatient, and value myself too much (maybe) to let someone, or something get the best of me. I tend to cut and run. But, you are all still married and have husbands that you love, who love you.

Female friendships are powerful. I hope you all have at least one girlfriend with whom you can share your good times and your not so good times. Family is forever binding, but the friendships we have had over the years are so nurturing and supportive.

From my friend AB who is a doctor

2009-09-22T20:27:00.001-05:00

I have read with interest and empathy your description of "weariness" and other comments that resonate with an all too-familiar ring. I have experienced depression/weariness/SAD in the past, and I also treat lots of women in my family practice panel who struggle with it as well. I don't treat as many men with depression, either because they don't recognize it, or don't want to come to a woman, or don't want to treat it (or are better at treating it themselves, either with healthy things, or unhealthy solutions). Here are my thoughts about the physiological aspects and spiritual aspects of this complex constellation of symptoms called depression for women.

I think estrogen and progesterone (especially progesterone, which is the silent bad girl that lets estrogen take all the bad publicity) are responsible for a lot of what women experience during the peri-menopausal years (which can be around 10 years). I think when our ovaries stop sending the message that we are "fertile Myrtles" by slowing production, or skipping ovulation cycles, or degrading the FSH and LH levels, etc, we start feeling it. We were biologically meant to be baby factories: I mean, really: ovulating every single month---to have the chance of conception EVERY SINGLE MONTH?!?!?!? No other species does that. Other species "come into heat" at much more reasonable time periods....but we humans, oh no....we can do this anytime!

So. When we start slowing down the production factory, our bodies feel it. You can't tell me that our emotions don't pick up on that, as well. We KNOW when we ovulate. We feel rotten during the week before our periods. And some women go psychotic during that week and the week of the period because of those incredibly drastic changes in estrogen and progesterone levels. Men's testosterone levels are pretty steady all the time. AND, they continue to produce it as long as they have testicles. They don't have the mood swings and weight gain and collagen breakdown and bone loss that women do during peri-menopause and post menopause, because they still have that production factory going strong. They are also deemed more handsome and virile as they grey and age, whereas women are deemed dry and old and used up after they are no longer "useful" (strictly biologically speaking).

If a male patient of mine has to have an orchiectomy (testicle removal for cancer or other problem) I have to spend A LOT of time with them during their difficult transition of becoming suddenly emasculated. They become emotional, gain weight and lose bone mass. They feel disillusioned about their role as men, and become depressed. Sound familiar?? It is truly amazing to watch the transition and the awareness of the loss of testosterone, and see how their understanding of women during peri- and post menopause suddenly becomes manifest. I am not suggesting that men can't understand how women feel during this transition unless they have orchiectomies, but it is something that is so unfamiliar to them, they CAN'T understand it....like fish in water....they always have it, so they can't understand what it is like not to have it around. Now, you may think I am biased because I am a woman, and as such, I also can't speak about how men feel. Here is where I speak from: I grew up with a father who absolutely embodied the worst in masochism. He was a urologist. I have seven brothers, no sisters. Tell me I don't know testosterone.

I think women (more than men) have the potential to become sadder as we have been forced away (or have chosen to move more away) from what our biology dictates we do: have babies and stay at home and nurture them and tend the hearth. Men are responsible to provide for their family. They are supposed to go away to work and get paid and receive "pay" in various ways for their success in accomplishing that (promotions, congratulations, prestige, etc.). "Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of the children." (The Family: A Proclamation to the World). I think we want to do more and be more, and have had to do more and be more than what our primary roles dictate. I have three children and a career in health care. I understand the challenges of being a mother and taking care of children. I also have the extra challenge of a severely multiply handicapped child in the mix. I don't condemn women for having careers at all: I just think we need to realize what we do when we decide to, or are forced to leave our basic role and take on the responsibilities of providing as well as nurturing. And I think when we try to do too much, (perhaps because we feel we have to because we have held ourselves up in comparison to others) we get overwhelmed and easily depressed as a result.

My husband (who is also a family doctor) and I talk a lot about these challenges that face women and men and menopause and mid-life crises and etc. He offered this observation and insight: Biologically, the male species are meant to continue producing seed with the most fertile, healthy and promising females (and as many of them as possible). So, perhaps this challenge of biology (meaning men remain fertile and virile and women wane in both areas) was given to men to test their resolve to commit to remain with and stay loyal to their spouses. Meaning in spite of these biological and emotional changes that come with time in women, men are given the opportunity and tremendous challenge to continue to remain faithful (and the world doesn't make it easy for them). That is huge! I applaud men and women who are able to overcome biology and remain faithful to each other. I love it when couples come in and they obviously really care for each other.

I love every one's suggestions about what to DO when we feel down, and I will offer what I offer others who come in to the office and need help.

First I would suggest you get some lab work done to make sure you aren't deficient in some way (especially thyroid). So go to your PCP and talk and ask for labs first. If they are normal, then come back and talk about treatment (whether counseling alone or with medication as well).

Second: It's not a character flaw. You shouldn't beat yourself up for feeling this way. Your body is responding to stress by decreasing the availability of serotonin and dopamine and norepinephrine. So, if you need medication to help keep the "sex, drugs and rock and roll" endorphins around, it is okay.

Third: Remember, if you start on medication to help with depressive symptoms, the medication is only responsible for keeping it around. It doesn't MAKE serotonin or dopamine or norepinephrine, so you have to work hard to continue producing it....this is where the exercise (getting out in nature, doing things that normally please you and relax you and replenish you) comes in. Also, make sure you get enough protein in every day (proteins make proteins).

I also spend a lot of time talking to folks about the Five Love Languages (physical, time, service, gifts, language). I read it about 20 years ago, and it really made a huge difference in the way I expect and express love to my family. Read it. www.fivelovelanguages.com

If you aren't getting the message that your spouse loves you, pay attention to the ways he/she is trying to express his/her love to you. It may be in a totally different language that you don't recognize. That may be contributing to the lower levels of serotonin and dopamine and norepinephrine that are available.

Seminary thoughts from KM

2009-09-22T20:24:00.000-05:00

After discussing this morning with my seminary students the scripture in Nephi and Elder Bednar's talk about the tender mercies of the Lord and challenging them to find tender mercies each day I am overcome with emotion. The Lord knows who we are and He will strengthen those who are faithful to Him and deliver them from their trials.

From another sister, AJ (Yes, I come from a big family!!)

2009-09-22T20:21:00.000-05:00

Why are women sadder as they get older? Ummmmm, can't answer that. But I'm just glad none of you were at my house over the weekend. I had my hands full with a serious family situation. I thought I was gonna die, cry, and was thinking why God would give me such a challenge right after I cracked my tailbone and was in pain? But, you know what? Today is the first day of the rest of my life, the crisis is over, my tailbone is feeling better and I'm happy again.

But, I didn't always look at it that way. I remember Claire, that you told me outright several years ago when things were especially difficult for me, that I was depressing you just hearing about my crap. You are the only one in our family who can and will speak so frankly. But you did me a great favor and I have tried hard ever since then to change my attitude and to avoid depressing people and avoid hanging out with losers.

Since I changed my attitude I now believe that no matter what our current challenge or crisis is, it's not as bad as someone else's and I certainly wouldn't trade my problems for anyone else's. All of these situations, no matter what they are, make us stronger if that's what we choose. Or we can allow them to get us down and depressed. I always remind myself that "these things too shall pass" and they do and will.

I always crack myself up when I send out my newsy Christmas letters every year, because if I wrote down the crap that happens then I probably would be in the looney house at this point of my life. But instead, I write down the happy highlights of each of my children so that when everyone receives these happy letters, they may perceive that my family is a perfect and happy family. Isn't that funny? And in reality, these happy highlights are what keep me going, because those happy and good times are indeed my blessings.

On Women's Happiness by LM

2009-09-22T20:18:00.001-05:00

I came across this article last week, quickly perused it and then quickly moved on. I think because the article made me uncomfortable and I didn't want to think about it. but now Claire has forced me to confront my discomfort! Actually, my need to get in on this discussion has forced me to confront it.

I've always struggled to be happy. Which has always mystified me b/c I think that I really do have a natural propensity for fun and happiness, so why do I have so much trouble accessing it on a consistent basis. Same with you Claire, as I've been aware of your issues with depression, it has surprised me b/c I've always regarded you as one of my "happy" people. Someone that just seems to spontaneously bubble with joie de vivre, which is one of the things that has always drawn me to you! And the fact that you were depressed, depressed me! Thinking, well, if Claire's not happy, than what chance do the rest of us have?

Was it Leo Tolstoy who said, "All happy families look alike. But all unhappy families are unhappy in their own way."? Perhaps that can also be applied on an individual level. I do think that happy people probably practice many of the same happy principles. Perhaps Steven Covey's book could be renamed The 7 Basic Habits of Highly Happy People............I do think that Happy and Effective are interchangeable because I think that effectiveness is a happy state of being. and I've often thought that maybe I'm not happy because I'm an undisciplined, ineffective person.

There are plenty of studies out there on Happiness as well as Unhappiness. Several years ago, I was intrigued by a Happy Study. I was drawn to the article in search of an explanation for my own unhappiness. It proposed that people have an inner "happiness setpoint." They found that some people are just naturally happier. And that when they go through life's traumas, they suffer for a time, then recover and go back to their high happiness setpoint. Whereas, less happier people suffer longer and then go back to their lower happiness setpoint.

This article gave me an explanation but it didn't give me a whole lot of hope. At least I now had a possible reason for my unhappiness, and I couldn't help it. That relieved some of the stress of unhappiness in a wierd way. I heard an interview with Michael J Fox recently when he quoted, "Happiness grows in direct proportion with your acceptance and declines in direct proportion with your expectations." Does that mean that in some wierd way, that if I accept that I'm unhappy that I will be less unhappy? That would certainly be in harmony with the first great law of Buddhism "Life is suffering." And when you accept that life is suffering, it ceases to be insufferable.

But where does that Buddhist law fit with our American credo that the Pursuit of Life, Liberty and Happiness are our inalienable rights??? Endemic to being human. And where does that leave room for the concepts of goal setting and self improvement, if we just accept that life sucks and be happy in its suckiness?

I've explained away my own unhappiness in many other ways: I was unhappy in my marriage. If I had another husband, surely life would be better. But that theory was blown out of the water when I separated from my husband last year and found that I was no happier without him than with him. In fact, I was unhappier without him! Luckily, it was not too late to reconcile and that particular circumstance has been remedied. I have found that a change of heart and perpsective, in this case, had a profound affect on my happiness.

Perhaps I would be happier if I had more money. I really do believe that money buys happiness. Money buys 2 things that are essential to my happiness: Freedom and Beauty. It takes $$$ to travel. It takes money to buy the room or the home with the view. It takes $$$ to decorate my house with lovely, praiseworthy things. It takes money to buy the best health care, the healthiest food, The best vitamins, the best skin care, the good hair cuts and colors, the most becoming clothes. I had two crowns last year that cost me $1000 a piece! Now I know why poor people don't have teeth! THEY CAN'T AFFORD THEM!!! Beauty, poetry, art, freedom, health, even life.....are all the province of the rich. Poor people even have shorter life spans than the rich. So, yes, maybe I would be happy if I had more money. but the reality is: I have enough. I travel enough to keep my wanderlust sated, though I'd sure like to travel a lot more. I have enough for health care and good skin care and I am keeping my teeth. and I buy art on postcards and posters and I frame it. It's not the real deal, but it gets me close enough to the beauty that I crave. I don't have an oceanview out my back windows, but I do have a cow pasture with cows and a corn field and big western sky. Everytime I look out my window that pastoral scene, I am happy, as I swat away the flies.

I've always felt deeply blessed that I did not have to work in the world to earn the money to put bread on my table. Yet, how nice it would have been to recieve some kind of recognition for the work that I do do. Every Mother's day, I read in a newspaper somewhere or on the internet the calculations of what a mother's/wife's, work is worth. It always comes out to over $200,000 per year. I've heard that in Scandinavian countries, that a woman's at home work is measured into the country's GNP. Maybe I would be happier if my work was recognized, if not compensated, by a measurable amount. I think $$$ makes our world go round. And that the reason that at home women don't get the respect they deserve, except on one day in May, is that their contribution is not measured in financial terms. And maybe, if it was, I would get recognition and respect, and then I would be happy. Afterall, recognition and respect are components of happiness.

Maybe I'm unhappy because I'm a Saggitarius and being half human half beast, I'm eternally conflicted, thus incapable of happiness.

Maybe I'm unhappy because I'm a poet. I'm a deep, emotional, creative creature. and everyone knows that poets are all wildly unhappy, mentally ill, alcoholics, promiscuous, syphllitic people who all burn brightly early and die young. Maybe I'm unhappy because I've been a good mormon girl and have not followed my creative instincts that would have led me into a wild life of debauchery, and creative fulfillment. No........that can't be it. Those poets were all creatively fulfilled but they were tortured and unhappy. Maybe I can't be happy because I'm a tortured poet: whether I'm creatively fulfilled or not.

Maybe I'm unhappy because I'm chronically disorganized because I am creative and destined to be so. So my time, my stuff, my life, is always out of control and that makes me unhappy. Maybe I'm unhappy because I'm totally in a daze all the time completely unproductive. Maybe I'm unhappy because I sleep too much and can't focus on getting things done. Maybe I would be happier if I could hire a housekeeper to keep my life straight so all I had to do was connect and create every day of my life.

Maybe I'm unhappy because I really do have a great capacity for happiness, The flip side of that being a great capability for profound unhappiness.

Maybe I would be happy if I lost weight.

'Pant' 'pant' 'pant'...................CAN YOU SEE WHY I QUICKLY LEFT THIS ARTICLE????? Maybe I'm unhappy because I'm tired of trying to figure out how to be my best happiest self!!!!

This what I do know: That I'm most happy when I'm connecting with other human beings who I love. (This is why I spend too much damn time on email and facebook, then I don't get my work done and that makes me unhappy) I'm most happy and feel most in the flow of myself when I'm creating, whether it is scrapbooking, writing, cooking. I'm most happy when I'm traveling and seeing a new place, discovering new things, people, ways of life. I'm most happy when I'm transported by a good book or a beautiful piece of music. I'm most happy when I am in tune with my God, who I love with all my heart, whether that is in church or in my secret places or high on a mountain top. I'm most happy in the summertime when it is warm and the sun is shining and there's plenty of light. I'm most happy when I'm near a body of water, large or small, it somehow just speaks peace to my soul. I am most happy when I am in love. In love with my husband, my children, my friends, my home, my travels, my books, my art, my world, my God and my life.

If I can infuse as much of those things in my life as possible, I will be happy. Problem is work. Work is not on that list and life requires it. And that's a whole nother stream of thought and I really must let this go now. I know that this writing has focused on my own happiness/unhappiness rather than Claire's intitial question of why are women unhappy? I go back to the modified Tolstoy quote: There are as many paths to unhappiness as people. And it can't be explained away in an article by a self help guru or any scientific study. It is too deep. Too complex. So that leads me back to....................ME!!! (maybe that's why I'm so unhappy, I'm too self absorbed). You see, here we go in rounds again. That makes me crazy as well as unhappy and does not answer any of the questions. It just creates more.

Are you exhausted????? I am! But I think I will copy off this stream of consciousness and journal it. I'm also attaching a poem I wrote many years ago, generated by my search for happiness and meaning.

Choices, more from KM

2009-09-22T20:12:00.000-05:00

Back to the question of why women would be getting sadder. Is it because of all the choices?

I do admit as I've gotten older that choices stress me more than they used to. I often muse that it would be easier if I was just always told what to do. Of course, then it would have to be the perfect, all-knowing person telling me these things. And they couldn't be bossy about it, because I do want to have my say sometimes. Or at least I want to be able to veto if I don't like the choice laid out for me.

Choices are hard, I guess that's part of the plan. We have to figure things out. However, when you get stressed about picking a paint color or what food to serve to dinner guests or one of hundreds of little, seemingly non consequential decisions that we face each day then I'd rather just be told - by a kind expert!

Maybe because we do have so many choices and so many opportunities we set ourselves up for wanting and expecting more and then we are disappointed? As an example: My husband is great, but he's not quite Gen Y. Yet I hear so much and read so much about men doing more and more at home and with their families. Do I set myself up then for disappointment because I know it's out there (the more involved, more helpful at home, etc.) husband yet I don't have it?

I think that's part of it for me. Not focusing on what great things I do have in my life and spending too much time thinking about what I don't. Or how it could be better, or different. This is when I need to stop and be grateful for what I do have. This is where I can march my little figure up the chart a notch because of ABC and not down because of XYZ.

Sometimes I also feel a bit like I'm floating along - not with a strong sense of direction. This tends to give me a sense of malaise as well.

It comes back to the remembering part and baby steps.

More from KM

2009-09-22T20:10:00.001-05:00

Yes, a good circle of friends around you is a must! I'm still a bit jealous of Claire's bunko group. I think getting together just for fun and no other reason is something to shoot for. For me, for now, I pretend that my monthly book club has higher purpose. Mainly we get together to visit and eat, and we do talk about the book as well. But it's much more social and a time to connect with friends.

Some day I'll start a bunko group!

From my friend KM

2009-09-22T20:08:00.000-05:00

First of all the article: I found the article thought provoking. I wasn't familiar with the author so I did a bit of checking and I see he writes self-help books. I'm not a big fan of self-help books - probably because I have never found one that I did much more with than peruse. My other hesitation was that it is a man telling women how to fix themselves. I'd feel more comfortable if the author/researcher was a woman. (I've always chosen female OBGYN's for the same reason).

I thought his hours of "paid work" vs. "homework" were interesting. But I'm not sure I buy it. I feel that women - whether at PAID WORK or HOMEWORK are always "on". They are the ones thinking about not only their job, but home life, and in the case of husband and kids, their lives as well. I feel I carry most of that burden in my family, although my husband might disagree to the extent.

I believe women are multi-taskers. I used to have a (male) colleague that would brag in a humorous way about his ability to multi-task. I have since decided that multi-tasking is bogus. It allows me to do several things at once, and pretty poorly at that. The only multi-tasking I now do is laundry and whatever else is going on. Since laundry is a no-brainer, it doesn't tax me.

I think the stop and go rhythm of a woman's day can be stressful. Many of the things we do are either unmeasurable and/or not particularly rewarding. Often times I am physically and mentally exhausted at the end of the day and I try and figure out why that is so.

OK, now what I try to do about it: I'm not sure what I'd say to a survey question about my level of happiness. I think it's in flux - depending on the week. I probably let others influence my happiness much more than I should. I wish I could create my own destiny, so to speak, each day and wake up happy all the time - or decide to make it a good day. Sometimes that works, sometimes not. Sometimes I have blue days and I think I suffer to a small degree from SAD (the affect of too little light, mostly in the winter). Although I've never really been depressed.

Sometimes I go through periods of thinking that my life isn't all that great, but it'd be better if ... or when ... and then spend too much time fantasizing about some day .... I know that's not a productive thing to do. I'll remember that, make an attempt to be more grateful for all that I have and move on. It's an ongoing process I guess.

Last year I read a book by an (LDS) author that I really like and I'll try to remember the book and it's title and pass it on. The premise was to find joy and purpose in all we do. It helped for a while. Like I said for me it's a process because I constantly forget what I already know ... to be grateful, to be more selfless, to be more prayerful , etc.

Focusing on gratitude helps me, and finding joy in the little things. Trying to stay in the present. I can be happy and feel fulfilled today because my youngest still gives me hugs each morning and tells me he loves me. I make my middle child happy when I pack him a nice lunch for school. I live in an incredibly beautiful place and am blessed every day to see birds and squirrels and deer (and too many turkeys!) in my neighborhood. After a week, my seminary students say seminary is fun and they like me.

Regular physical exercise and time outdoors has always helped my spirits.

I've often wondered if I should start a gratitude journal. Maybe I will.

Sophistication - from my sis LW

2009-09-22T20:02:00.002-05:00

I'm beginning to think that happiness isn't what it's cranked up to be. Someone once told me that he'd rather be sophisticated than happy. Perhaps that is the cost of sophistication. We trade in our happiness for it, but we don't want to give up the sophistication once we've had it, so there you go.

From my friend JO

2009-09-22T20:01:00.000-05:00

The exercise is vital for all the reasons you already know, but it's more than that. If I am feeling the weight of the world, it is magically lighter by the end of the hour. It's fun and it makes me feel like I am a little girl again in dancing lessons. Who doesn't like to feel younger? I look forward to the comradery with the other ladies and am inspired by them. They are all ages, shapes and sizes. There is one lady who is 87 and has been coming for 30 years. She can do it because she has never stopped. The ones who are more fit inspire me to go on, the ones that need more work make me feel good about myself. Hahaha! The point is, whatever shape you are in...you will fit in. It's every morning at 8:30. I commit myself to going 3 times per week, then my husband and I walk town lake every Sat morning. (I agree with the nature thing!)

More from sis LW

2009-09-22T19:57:00.000-05:00

I am a few years older than my sister Claire and I do remember being a little more depressed when I was going through menopause. I gained weight and I kind of gave up on myself for a while there. I have to say that I am so happy that is behind me, and I feel strong and healthy now. Hopefully, Claire, this won't go on too much longer. It's a big relief when it's over.

Also I forgot to mention being out in nature. Over the past couple of years, my husband and I have been out hiking a lot, and it really helps the psyche to be out looking at the flora and fauna, learning about it, and being with other people from all walks of life, having this in common. Nature is the great equalizer. You're there, you take it all in, you breathe, you see, hear, smell - and it doesn't matter, for a while anyway, if you are employed, if your kid is in jail, etc. etc.

It also helps to have a close circle of friends. For me, for the past almost three years, it's been a group of about 15 "bingo babes." We meet every Thursday night for bingo, book club, poker and bunco, and hiking on the weekends. I have almost nothing in common with these women in the sense that we all have different socio economic backgrounds, different religions, different ages, different marital status, different educational backgrounds, different talents, interests, etc. But we accept and support each other. It's very theraputic. We only have one rule: "If you don't feel like going, go. That's when you need it the most." Plus they've adopted my mother as their own, which really makes me feel good.

More from sis LA

2009-09-22T19:54:00.002-05:00

One more thought -- clean out those closets (if you haven't worn it for a year, get rid of it!) Don't save your "fat" clothes...............

Wipe out your cupboards, clean out that junk drawer, etc.

More from MG

2009-09-22T19:52:00.000-05:00

When I have been depressed, I have struggled to focus on optimism (even when it sometimes seems like I'm in denial to do so), and in addition to prayer and the support of friends, and the peaceful times others have mentioned (on the deck, taking a walk, Yoga, whatever), I have used written affirmations to help me process positive thoughts through my whole body and mind. It really does help - you'd be surprised.

From my friend MG

2009-09-22T19:49:00.000-05:00

This is a very interesting article. I guess I have also thought over the past few years about the things it brings up. As the article mentions, I was brought up during those years when it was expected that women got married, stayed home with the kids, and everything would be fine. I call it the "Leave it to Beaver" era. I remember talking wit people about my goal of going to college, and more than once seeing someone (often a guy my own age) squirm uncomfortably and mutter "Well, maybe to be a nurse or a teacher, to have something to fall back on." Well, I've been 'falling back on it' for most of the past few decades . . .

I am not sure what I expected life to be like - our family life at home was actually pretty awful (I know I am admitting this to complete strangers, but it fits with the discussion Claire inspired). So I am not certain why I thought my life would end up being more like Leave it to Beaver than a tabloid. Or whatever you might label it. But, having been through divorce and raising kids alone, I am thankful I did get my education, and I am thankful I have had a career, and I feel it made me strong. I still long for the 'happy family' I wanted to have - but somewhere in the pre-mortal life, I think I signed up for the tough stuff.

I honestly think I must have stood in front of Heavenly Father, in all my pre-mortal hubris, and said, "Yeah - I can do it - I wanna learn the hard stuff!" The reason I am certain of that is that it totally reflects the other choices I have made my entire life. I have three brothers, no sisters, and I am the only one who left Ohio, went to college, joined the military voluntarily, and a few other fairly daring things for someone who grew up in the era of Father Knows Best and the early years of the Beach Boys. But, despite my apparent confidence that all I had to do was 'do the right thing' with my kids, career, etc., and 'everything would be fine,' that's not how things went. I have had plenty of down times from some of the hard lessons, and I absolutely know what it feels like to be truly depressed. Even worse than depressed, sometimes. I've been fortunate to pull through those times, and the church family has been a big source of strength during the lessons of recent years.

The career part wasn't easy - I started my education as a single mom. I wouldn't go back to the Dark Ages of women in the workforce for anything. Women have always worked, but for years they were prevented from moving forward. I literally experience this firsthand, many times - in the Air Force, I was told, "I wish we had some men with your test scores - too bad we can't put women in (pick a career field)." Not too many years ago, I worked at TxDOT (the highway department); when I started there, only 15 percent of the workforce was female. Six years later, when I left, only 18 percent were women. And I won't even discuss the harassment incidents that happened over the years.

That entire era had to change, and I am glad it did. But change is so painful - you can't put something new in a spot without painfully breaking up and crumbling the old. So I honestly think we are in the painful era of change. I also think the Leave it to Beaver years had a lot of hidden pain that was the Elephant on the Floor in many families. It certainly was in ours. Again - as difficult as it is, we are now in an era where people are taught to reach out when there is abuse, and not to tolerate it.

Maybe when that gap of hours the article mentions closes a bit further (the comparison of hours men and women spend with kids vs jobs), we'll have a more real viewpoint of the world as a starting point rather than the distorted view of Leave it to Beaver. Then, when we have a 'real' viewpoint, we can work together on the tough stuff without the denial of the 1950s and 60s, and without the pain of the past few decades spent getting to this place?

This is literally a stream-of-consciousness response - the article is very thought provoking, and this is what came to mind for me -

From another sister, LW

2009-09-22T19:45:00.000-05:00

I think I too have chosen to look on the bright side, make the best out of whatever situation I'm in, the whole idea of not worrying about something you have no control over, riding things out and things work out, counting my blessings, which are many. Keeping physical is important, and it's free. Deep breathing is probably the best medicine for stress, worry, etc. Also free. My husband always says that most bad things can be cured by laughter and a good night's sleep. I would add to that a soak in the hot tub.

From my sister, LA

2009-09-22T19:41:00.000-05:00

What works for me is to "get physical". Keep my mind and body busy. If it is not within my power to fix the problem, then it's just best to pull a Scarlett O'Hara "Fiddle dee dee, I will just think about that tomorrow". Of course, if it IS something that can be addressed and possibly made better thru counseling or a support group, etc., then by all means, that should be done. You just need to made a conscious choice to be happy, which it sounds like you're working on, and that usually does the trick. Focus on your blessings, whether it be: 1. Roof over your head still. 2. Food in your tummy every day. 3. wonderful children/husband/pet(s)/friends (whatever fits your situation) 4. Good health if you are fortunate enough to have it. 5. Etc., Etc., Etc.

Sometimes it helps to talk to someone and just get it off your chest. I'm the opposite -- I clam up, but that's just me. I'm here for you if you ever want to talk.

Other than that, I know nothing! It's pretty much a shot in the dark, but eventually all things pass and all you need to do in hang in there -- I remember thinking that the world should stop revolving when my husband got so sick 6 years ago, then again 5 years ago when our son died, but guess what? Time DOES heal, and we survived to face another crisis, and in the meantime there have been so many spots of happiness in between those hardships (Kids/Grand kids to love and to make me laugh, a husband who knows/understands me like no one else ever has and makes me laugh, my beautiful tranquil mountains, etc.) I can't tell you how many times I've been sad and I've gone out on the back deck and just listened to the birds singing or the wind blowing through the trees (almost sounds like the surf breaking!), etc. Find what relaxes you and do it.

Because dialogue amoung women friends is so cathartic....

2009-09-22T17:41:00.000-05:00

.....I stole that idea from my sister when I announced I was starting this blog. I started emailing friends about an idea, and got so many great responses that a blog was suggested as a better forum. So--here we go:

I came across this interesting blog piece on the decline of women's happiness over the years. (Aha! I thought it was just me!)

If you have time to read the article and give me your feedback, i.e. how you deal with sadness etc. I would really love your opinion.

I've had a particularly depressing few weeks recently--lots of bad news on all fronts, mostly hearing about divorce, death, troubled children etc. Add that to my already heavy burden of "depressed husband due to unemployment" and it has really bothered me. Generally speaking, I consider myself a happy person. I think all that know me understand that my faith in God and accompanying church service are a huge part of keeping myself happy. Also, my family and friends.

I have been blaming my general malaise on menopause and the bad news from the economy. Do you think that's it?

I would really welcome your honest input on this issue. I need some discussion about this. I'm looking for some HOPE!!