When you're a Brit, apparently its easier!

This is from one of LM's friends:

Only to be appreciated fully by an Englishwoman like yourself, I am sure:

“I saw a documentary on an international mental health study where a British woman dressed in a twinset, tweed skirt and brogues from a small village was asked if she ever felt depressed. "Nonsense," she replied, "I have a garden and a dog. That is all any Englishman needs to be happy!" 

I wish it were that simple for me!  I do believe that gardening is VERY therapeutic, and although I am a sporadic gardener, I have enjoyed every moment, even pulling weeds.  My kids think I'm nuts about that part!  Its all part of the getting out into nature idea.  My daughter told me, several years ago when she was still in High School, that she learned that native American Indians have a cure for the blues -- go outside and stand in the dirt in your bare feet.  I think it works, really, I do!

Also, animals are very therapeutic.  We currently have two kittens, and they are a delight.  I love all animals, but with my busy  household, we have not had very good luck with dogs.  Its a long story--one I won't go into right now.  Suffice it to say that cats are far less high maintenance than dogs, so its just easier.  And everyone in the family agrees that we all like cats.  So they keep us happy.  There is nothing better than a soft, furry, warm little creature greeting you every morning like you are the best thing in the world.

Really great thoughts from my friend KG

You raise a very interesting issue, so much so that the dirty dishes that were on my agenda today will just have to wait a bit longer.  Twist my rubber arm.  I think I have quite a bit to add to the discussion.  I too, consider myself a generally optimistic person, silly and happy; I love to laugh!  Paradoxically, I have experienced bouts of clinical depression and dysthymia (sub-clinical depression) for much of my adult life.  I've also worked in psychiatry when I was an occupational therapist, so I know what it's like on "both sides of the couch".     

 

I see two topics to discuss:

1.  What you can do right now to be happy (or happier) 

2.  Why women in general are less happy

 

First, what you can do right now to be happy. 

 

I think bad family news (divorce, death, troubled children, depressed husband due to unemployment) are all really good reasons to be sad.  It would be strange if you were not; you're not made of stone, and that's a good thing.  You care.  Menopause causes hormonal changes that send your emotions every which way - remember going through puberty?  There were days as a teenager when I would feel 4 or 5 different strong emotions in one day and wonder what planet I had stepped off of!  Menopause can also screw up your sleep patterns - if you don't get enough sleep, you are going to have trouble dealing with most everything, no question.  That being said, what can you do to balance out these reasonable causes of sadness?

 

Nutrition

 

I really am sorry to say that chocolate is not the answer.  Really sorry.  I thought it was the answer for a long time, and by doing so forgot that good nutrition, i.e. a balanced diet with lots of fruit and vegetables, lean protein and whole grains are the gasoline that make our bodies go.  (Word of Wisdom, anyone?)  A giant bag of peanut M & M's can give you a lot of energy for a couple of hours, but the crash afterwards is just not worth it.  Just like putting sand in the gas tank.  A diet high in simple carbohydrates linked with external stressors can increase your cortisol levels (cortisol is the "fight or flight" hormone) which in turn can deplete the available magnesium in your body - and well, blah, blah, blah, this happened to me, I changed my diet and took magnesium supplements and found a marked change in my ability to think clearly and roll with the punches.  (But you don't have to cut out the chocolate entirely.  A little bit of chocolate -the darker the better- is a good thing.)

 

Exercise

 

Twenty to thirty minutes of exercise a day (enough to work up a sweat) has been shown to decrease cortisol levels and increase the available serotonin in the brain.  And it is good to do that exercise outside, if you can, because . . .

 

Light 

 

our bodies need a certain amount of sunlight to work properly.  Why?  I can't explain it right now, especially when I have 4 sixth-grade boys running around the house at the moment (up here in Edmonton we have "Professional Development" days at school where the kids get the day off while the teachers have in-service, and today is one of those days).  Suffice it to say that I got a lot of these ideas from a great book called "When Your Body Gets the Blues: The Clinically Proven Program for Women Who Feel Tired and Stressed and Eat Too Much", by Marie-Annette Brown and Jo Robinson, two researchers from the University of Washington (go Huskies!).  They did a specialized study on women and depression after a survey of the literature and came up with an easy, balanced program that tested out well in clinical trials.  Here is a link to their website:  http://thebodyblues.com/index.html   I recommend the book highly.  I didn't buy it, but simply checked it out from the library.

 

When I am not sick with the flu (like the last 3 weeks) I try to get out into the daylight for at least 20 minutes a day.  This is not that hard.  I don't use sunglasses as much as I used to so that I can collect all the sunlight I can.  I also use a light-box sometimes, which is a treatment for SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder).  The difference in my mood is remarkable during the space of one to several days of light-box treatment.  Kathy, you might want to investigate this option.  (See this site for a brief overview:  http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/seasonal-affective-disorder-treatment/DN00013).  But try the sunshine first.  It is cheap and so wonderful.  Intertwined with light is . . .

 

Nature

 

just being outside in nature.  Simple, lovely, and refreshing.  There is some evidence that moving water (surf, waterfalls, and to a lesser extent rivers and fountains) have not only a psychological but physical effect on mood (the splashing of the water releases negative ions into the air).  Does this sound too new-agey?  Well, I'm not an airy-fairy person, so skip that last sentence about negative ions if you want to, and just enjoy the waves.

 

Spirituality

 

I am much happier when I make room for God every day.  I think our spirits are just like our bodies - they need constant nourishment.  We do "not live by bread only, but by every word that proceedeth out of the mouth of the Lord".  (Deut 8:3; Matt 4:4).  Christ is trying to tell us something when he likens himself to bread and water.  Our bodies need those things every day; our spirits need spiritual food every day.

 

How do I feed my spirit?  Read the scriptures, every day. (OK, I don't do this every day but I'm happier when I do.)  Ponder things of the spirit.  Go to church and be with fellow believers.  Do these sound like "Sunday School" answers?  They do, but I think we hear these things over and over because, more than we realize, we are surrounded by "mists of darkness" and we must be reminded to grab hold of the "iron rod".  "Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path."  (Psalm 119:105). 

 

When I make time for these devotions I am creating an environment that is receptive to the communication of the Holy Spirit.  God wants to connect with us.  "Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you; For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened."  (Matt 7:7-8)  Confide in Heavenly Father.  Tell Him how you are feeling.  He wants to help you.  Ask Him what you can do to feel better.  I am confident that he will answer.  He told me something once that I wouldn't believe, because it was spending time on myself: make some quilts.  When I finally did what he told me to, it helped; I did feel better. 

 

I also find that going to the temple brings me a great deal of peace and perspective.  The temple is a source of great power.  "And we ask thee, Holy Father, that thy servants may go forth from this house armed with thy power, and that thy name be upon them, and thy glory round about them, and thine angels have charge over them."  (D&C 109:21).  I need that power in my life to meet my challenges, both within and without.

 

Miscellaneous

 

Here are some ideas that have helped me at various times:

 

- Sharing my concerns with someone I trust.  I think you have already done this to some extent by sending your email.  Just connecting with someone who cares about me helps me feel better.  Often the point is not to solve any problems, but just to talk about how I'm feeling, and knowing that I am not alone.

 

- Taking a "news break".  When I am feeling negative I don't need to read or hear about bad news, and the news is bad surprisingly often!  I skip the newspaper and the tv and radio newscasts, and try to focus on the positive things around me.

 

- Being patient and kind with myself.  I try not to spend time feeling bad about feeling bad!

 

- Doing something I enjoy every day that is just for myself.  Working on a quilt (and not feeling guilty about it), watching a funny or uplifting movie, dancing to a favorite song, stuff like that.

 

- Working in the garden.  I always remind myself that God is a gardener.  I feel closer to Him when I'm pulling weeds, oddly enough.

 

- Doing something kind for someone else. 

 

- Thinking about 5 things for which I'm grateful.  I think the "gratitude journal" idea is very good.

 

- Have sex.  I know it is hard when you are feeling low, but it is so good for you!  Find out what helps put you in the mood and use it!  (Rock and roll or funk works for me.) 

 

From my friend TWS

I have read many of your comments and find them all fascinating.  I agree with many of you.  Look at nature around you and all your problems don't seem as big.  Exercise (something I'm not doing enough of lately), spend time with friends, read a good book, keep family close, take care of your spiritual side, etc. are all great ideas.  My take on one reason that women don't seem as happy is that as women, we are told we can have it all.  Some of us don't want it all and feel guilty because something must be wrong with us if we don't. Some of us try to have it all at once and it is very hard to do.  Something usually has to give, most of the time it is us.  I think that women can have it all if they choose to but not all at once.  I loved the time that I took to raise my children.  Now that they are older, I have chosen to start a new career in teaching.  After one month, my students seem to be learning and enjoying my class (a huge worry for a 1st year teacher). My family is doing well at home.  My children are picking up some of the slack at home, like their laundry.   Life is good.

I think that it comes down to choices.  If someone is truly depressed, seek professional help.  If it is a general malaise, get out and help someone else.  That usually helps me feel better about my problems and my life.  Giving back to the community or a friend is a great thing.

More from sis LW

I am a few years older than my sister Claire and I do remember being a little more depressed when I was going through menopause.  I gained weight and I kind of gave up on myself for a while there.  I have to say that I am so happy that is behind me, and I feel strong and healthy now.  Hopefully, Claire, this won't go on too much longer.  It's a big relief when it's over.

 

Also I forgot to mention being out in nature.   Over the past couple of years, my husband and I have been out hiking a lot, and it really helps the psyche to be out looking at the flora and fauna, learning about it, and being with other people from all walks of life, having this in common.  Nature is the great equalizer.  You're there, you take it all in, you breathe, you see, hear, smell - and it doesn't matter, for a while anyway, if you are employed, if your kid is in jail, etc. etc.

 

It also helps to have a close circle of friends.  For me, for the past almost three years, it's been a group of about 15 "bingo babes."  We meet every Thursday night for bingo, book club, poker and bunco, and hiking on the weekends.  I have almost nothing in common with these women in the sense that we all have different socio economic backgrounds, different religions, different ages, different marital status, different educational backgrounds, different talents, interests, etc.  But we accept and support each other. It's very theraputic.  We only have one rule:  "If you don't feel like going, go.  That's when you need it the most." Plus they've adopted my mother as their own, which really makes me feel good.

From my sister, LA

What works for me is to "get physical". Keep my mind and body busy. If it is not within my power to fix the problem, then it's just best to pull a Scarlett O'Hara "Fiddle dee dee, I will just think about that tomorrow". Of course, if it IS something that can be addressed and possibly made better thru counseling or a support group, etc., then by all means, that should be done. You just need to made a conscious choice to be happy, which it sounds like you're working on, and that usually does the trick. Focus on your blessings, whether it be: 1. Roof over your head still.  2. Food in your tummy every day.  3. wonderful children/husband/pet(s)/friends (whatever fits your situation) 4. Good health if you are fortunate enough to have it. 5. Etc., Etc., Etc.

Sometimes it helps to talk to someone and just get it off your chest. I'm the opposite -- I clam up, but that's just me. I'm here for you if you ever want to talk.

Other than that, I know nothing! It's pretty much a shot in the dark, but eventually all things pass and all you need to do in hang in there -- I remember thinking that the world should stop revolving when my husband got so sick 6 years ago, then again 5 years ago when our son died, but guess what? Time DOES heal, and we survived to face another crisis, and in the meantime there have been so many spots of happiness in between those hardships (Kids/Grand kids to love and to make me laugh, a husband who knows/understands me like no one else ever has and makes me laugh, my beautiful tranquil mountains, etc.) I can't tell you how many times I've been sad and I've gone out on the back deck and just listened to the birds singing or the wind blowing through the trees (almost sounds like the surf breaking!), etc. Find what relaxes you and do it.