Some things to think about this season and in the coming year……2009/10

May you have warm words on a cold evening,

A full moon on a dark night,

And the road downhill all the way to your door.   

 Unknown

Books are the plane, and the train, and the road.  They are the destination and the journey.  They are home. – Anna Quindlen

Contentment with a little makes happiness.  – African Proverb

There is a simple memory aid that you can use to determine whether it is the correct time or order chocolate dishes:   any month whose name contains the letter A, E, or U is the proper time for chocolate.  – Sandra Boynton

You don’t always win your battles, but it’s good to know you fought. – Lauren Bacall

Life is all about how you handle Plan “B” – Unknown

The best moments in reading are when you come across something – a thought, a feeling, a way of looking at things – which you had thought unique and particular to you.  Now here it is, set down by someone else, a person you have never met, someone even who is long dead.  And it is as if a hand has come out and taken yours.  – Alan Bennett

One of the sweetest things in life:  a letter from a friend.  – Andy Rooney

Enjoy the little things for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things. – Unknown

No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the Continent, a part of the main. – John Donne

Une maison sans chat, c’est la vie sans soleil!  (A house without a cat is like life without sunshine) – Therese Asche, one of Julia Child’s friends

Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it. – William Arthur Ward

What you think about yourself is much more important than what others think of you.  – Marcus Anneaus Seneca

May you never forget what is worth remembering and never remember what is best forgotten.  Unknown

I feel the capacity to care is the thing which gives life its deepest significance.  – Pablo Casals

Flatter me, and I may not believe you.  Criticize me, and I may not like you.  Ignore me, and I may not forgive you.  Encourage me, and I will not forget you.  – William Arthur Ward

I would be most content if my children grew up to be the kind of people who think decorating consists mostly of building enough bookshelves.  --  Anna Quindlen

Memory is a way of holding on to the things you love, the things you are, and the things you never want to lose.  – Kevin Arnold

Life is a great big canvas, and you should throw all the paint on it you can. – Danny Kaye

Happiness = Friendship

Today, I spent three hours sitting in a local restaurant, sharing lunch and gabbing with my neighbor.  We had such a good time together.   Our conversation revolved around the joys and challenges of parenting (she has three-year-old twin boys; my three kids are nearly grown), missionary work, college football, our concern for an ailing neighbor, Christmas music and the responsibility of doing our best to serve others.  I left our lunch meeting feeling uplifted, renewed and so grateful for the love and concern of my many, many dear friends, who have such an impact for good upon me.  Where would I be without my friends?  Wonderful people, of all ages, colors, shapes, sizes, interests and backgrounds, who have shaped my own perceptions.  Friends from elementary school, high school, college, Paris, church, work.......the list goes on and on.  Many of my friends know me better than my own siblings, simply because I have shared more of my life with them--17 years in Texas!  I have often felt that our relationships are the only things that matter--relationship to God, to our families, our friends, our neighbors, even strangers.  The quality of our relationships is a measure of the depth of our souls.  In this way, I have been truly blessed.  Thank you, my friends, for sharing your life with me.

Creativity = satisfaction and fulfillment, i.e. HAPPINESS

Creativity is a huge part of happiness for me.  When I am making something, I just feel good.  I come from a creative family.  My mother was probably one of the first “Martha Stewart” types of homemakers.  She could and would make just about anything, out of a variety of materials—often improvised and usually very inexpensive.  She was a great cook, a master seamstress, the original scrap booker, and the Queen of do-it-yourself home improvement projects (with my father as her trusty side-kick).  Every house our family lived in was remodeled on a consistent basis.  We learned to live amongst the ongoing transition.

As an adult, I have come to truly appreciate how my parents instilled creativity and the constant pursuit of excellence.  Fortunately, I married an artist, so I am continuing the tradition—with my own unique twist.  I’m hoping my own children will follow along the same path.  We’ll see.

I often hear people claim that they don’t have any talents, or they don’t have any creativity within them.  They feel intimidated at the thought of being “creative.”  I think this quote from Deiter Uchtdorf is the perfect answer to that dilemma:

“The desire to create is one of the deepest yearnings of the human soul. No matter our talents, education, backgrounds, or abilities, we each have an inherent wish to create something that did not exist before. Everyone can create. You don’t need money, position, or influence in order to create something of substance or beauty. Creation brings deep satisfaction and fulfillment. We develop ourselves and others when we take unorganized matter into our hands and mold it into something of beauty. . . . You may think you don’t have talents, but that is a false assumption, for we all have talents and gifts, every one of us. The bounds of creativity extend far beyond the limits of a canvas or a sheet of paper and do not require a brush, a pen, or the keys of a piano. Creation means bringing into existence something that did not exist before.”

Bookstores make me happy

Last night, my son and I went out for dinner and then to the bookstore.  He just recently returned home from spending two years in Mexico as a missionary.  He is anxious to start reading in English.  So we took a look around.  We each bought a couple of books.  I got Muriel Barbery's newest book, Gourmet Rhapsody.  I loved The Elegance of the Hedgehog, so we'll see if I like this new one.

I think bookstores are such great, comforting places--especially on a cold, rainy fall day like today.  I'm in here, working on my laptop via free wifi, which is pretty awesome.  The bookstore in my neighborhood is a real community hangout--you're apt to find several of your neighbors and/or their kids wandering around.

I love browsing around, looking at titles, picking up a few that look interesting and maybe reading a page or two, to see if they're any good before I buy.  Here's a few interesting titles I found:  The Art of Happiness, by the Dalai Lama, 10th anniversary edition.

Here's what the Dalai Lama says (on the back jacket of the book): "Many years ago, I wrote, "If you want others to be happy, practice compassion; and if you want yourself to be happy, practice compassion."  The Buddhist tradition has, like many of the world's great spiritual traditions, exhorted us to live our lives compassionately.  These spiritual traditions teach us to feel connected with our fellow beings and with the world we live in.  They celebrate service to others as one of the highest virtues.  Today, growing scientific data confirms this insight.  Researchers on human happiness identify compassionate service to others to be one of the key characteristics shared by many of the world's happiest people."

I really believe that.  My church is totally focused on compassionate service, especially the Women's group.  And my experience, through the years, has led me to understand that when I get outside myself and serve others, I am definitely happier.

Another book title that grabbed my attention today: "Thin is the new Happy", a memoir by Valerie Frankel.  I like memoirs.  I haven't read this, but the back cover sounds like any woman who has struggled with their weight can relate to this book.  I'm not convinced that thin equals happiness.  My weight has gone up and down over the years, and although I admit to being happier with the way I LOOK when I'm thinner, I certainly don't think all my problems went away just because I was thin. I think the things you DO to become thin (such as eat healthier and exercise) cause you to feel better, body and soul, and the way you look is just a nice byproduct.  Too bad our society puts so much emphasis on how you look.   When I was thinner, I received countless compliments, heralding my weight loss as though I had achieved some spectacular feat.  In reality, I was at a very unhappy spot in my life.  It got to the point where I really hated people making comments about it all the time.  So I gained back some of the weight.  Now people don't bug me so much!

Are you HAPPY?

I found this through a friend and thought it was terrific!  It is from H/34: Creative Works by Alex Koplin.  Apparently you can go on his blog and purchase a poster of it.

Smile, though your heart is breaking......

No, my heart isn't exactly breaking today....but--I have to say that smiling and humor are huge benefits to my mood.  I got the following off the helpguide.org website:

Humor is infectious. The sound of roaring laughter is far more contagious than any cough, sniffle, or sneeze. When laughter is shared, it binds people together and increases happiness and intimacy. In addition to the domino effect of joy and amusement, laughter also triggers healthy physical changes in the body. Humor and laughter strengthen your immune system, boost your energy, diminish pain, and protect you from the damaging effects of stress. Best of all, this priceless medicine is fun, free, and easy to use.

Laughter is a powerful antidote to stress, pain, and conflict. Nothing works faster or more dependably to bring your mind and body back into balance than a good laugh. Humor lightens your burdens, inspires hopes, connects you to others, and keeps you grounded, focused, and alert.

One of my most  powerful mentors, my grandmother, was a very happy person.  She smiled and laughed a lot.  She was just so much fun to be around.  Everyone loved her.  She lived well into her 90's and although her body was broken down at the end, she rarely felt pain.  This may be due to the fact that she laughed so much.  I'd like to think so, anyway.

One of my friends, while going through an especially difficult time, rented a bunch of funny movies and sat and watched them over and over again, laughing and laughing until he was exhausted.  He felt better after that.

This morning, I was referred to a website called mylifeisaverage.com.  Its just small posts about funny things that happen to people every day.  Some of them are truly hilarious.  I laughed a lot.  And I feel better--despite the fact that the water to my house is off for the 7th time in 6th months, due to a huge leak in the water main, and the plumber keeps fixing it--and it keeps breaking, and it has cost me a ton of money!!!!  All the things I was going to do this morning, such as shower, do laundry, mop the floor, etc. cannot be done because I have NO WATER!!!!  So, instead of cry, I'll just read funny things and LAUGH!!!

Having a grateful heart brings us peace....From my friend KM

Psalms 100:

Make a joyful noise unto the Lord, all ye lands.  Serve the Lord with gladness: come before his presence with singing.  Know ye that the Lord he is God: it is he that hath made us, and not we ourselves; we are his people, and the sheep of his pasture.  Enter into his gates with thanksgiving, and into his courts with praise: be thankful unto him, and bless his name.

The lds.org website tells us that “Gratitude is a feeling of appreciation and thankfulness for blessings or benefits we have received – that as we cultivate a grateful attitude, we are more likely to be happy and spiritually strong.  It says that Gratitude is an uplifting, exalting attitude. People are generally happier when they have gratitude in their hearts. We cannot be bitter, resentful, or mean-spirited when we are grateful.

We should thank our Heavenly Father for His goodness to us by acknowledging His hand in all things, thanking Him for all that He gives us, keeping His commandments, and serving others. We should especially thank Him for His Beloved Son, Jesus Christ, for the Savior's great example, for His teachings, for His outreaching hand to lift and help, for His infinite Atonement.”

Let’s first explore what having a grateful heart means.

In Luke 17:12-19 we find the story of the 10 lepers. As the Savior went through Samaria and Galilee, “he entered into a certain village, [and] there met him ten men that were lepers” who “lifted up their voices, and said, Jesus, Master, have mercy on us.” Jesus told them to go show themselves unto the priest.

“And it came to pass, that, as they went, they were cleansed.

“And one of them, when he saw that he was healed, turned back, and with a loud voice glorified God.

“And fell down … at his feet, giving him thanks: and he was a Samaritan.

“And Jesus answering said, were there not ten cleansed? But where are the nine?

“There are not found that returned to give glory to God, save this stranger.

“And he said unto him, Arise, go thy way: thy faith hath made thee whole” (Luke 17:12–19).

Only the Samaritan had a grateful heart.

In a conference talk given in 1996 President James E. Faust had this to say about this particular example of gratitude from the scriptures:

Leprosy was so loathsome a disease that those afflicted were not permitted under the law to come close to Jesus. Those suffering from this terrible disease were required to agonize together, sharing their common misery. (See Lev. 13:45-46) Their forlorn cry, “Jesus, Master, have mercy on us,” must have touched the Savior’s heart. When they were healed and had received priestly approval that they were clean and acceptable in society, they must have been overcome with joy and amazement. Having received so great a miracle, they seemed completely satisfied. But they forgot their benefactor. It is difficult to understand why they were so lacking in gratitude. Such ingratitude is self-centered. It is a form of pride.

What is the significance of the fact that the one who returned to give thanks was a Samaritan? As in the story of the Good Samaritan, the point seems to be that those of lesser social or economic status often rise to a greater duty and nobility.

A grateful heart, continues President Faust, is a beginning of greatness. It is an expression of humility. It is a foundation for the development of such virtues as prayer, faith, courage, contentment, happiness, love, and well being. As with all commandments, gratitude is a description of a successful mode of living. The thankful heart opens our eyes to a multitude of blessings that continually surround us.”

In the Doctrine and Covenants 78:19 the Lord said “And he who receiveth all things with thankfulness shall be made glorious; and the things of this earth shall be added unto him, even an hundred fold, yea, more.”

Steven Snow, in an October 2001 General Conference address, said this about Gratitude:  “It is human nature, I suppose, to seek elsewhere for our happiness. Pursuit of career goals, wealth, and material rewards can cloud our perspective and often leads to a lack of appreciation for the bounteous blessings of our present circumstances.

It is precarious to dwell on why we have not been given more. It is, however, beneficial and humbling to dwell on why we have been given so much.  An old proverb states, “The greater wealth is contentment with a little.”

In his letter to the Philippians, Paul wrote, “Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content” (Philip. 4:11).”

President Joseph F. Smith has instructed us that “the spirit of gratitude is always pleasant and satisfying because it carries with it a sense of helpfulness to others; it begets love and friendship, and engenders divine influence. Gratitude is said to be the memory of the heart” (Gospel Doctrine, 5th ed. [1939], 262).

How then does gratitude bring us peace?

This past week, as I’ve thought about what it means to have a grateful heart, and how it can bring me peace, I’ve thought about stepping stones.  Stepping stones made from round, generous pieces of solid foundation, which if followed, will lead me where I want to go.  Some of you may have seen silver necklaces or bracelets made with beads in the shape of small pebbles or stones with words on them such as love. Faith. Courage. Hope.  I envision my stepping stones, similarly marked as I’ll describe.

If my destination is peace, then the first step forward must be honesty.  Because having a grateful heart is, first of all, acknowledging the many gifts, kindnesses and blessings that I receive on a daily basis – no matter how routine, small or seemingly insignificant they may be.  To be truly grateful, I must then give thanks.  This can be done verbally, or in writing, with a smile, handshake or hug, or on my knees in prayer.  Next, having a grateful heart means being content with what I have been given.  It doesn’t mean “thank you for the lovely gift, BUT could I have some more, or could I have a slightly different color, or could you hold that for me until next week … .  it means being content with what I have been given.

Having a grateful heart frees me from greed.  Freedom from greed  returns to me as a gift of time – time not spent in “busily pursuing” things that have no lasting value.   If I have a grateful heart I can enjoy a sense of serenity, and a feeling of calm.  

Finally, I came to realize that gratitude for the all the gifts that I have been given, and those that I receive through living the gospel will bring me peace, in this life and the next - and it will bring me closer to the peacemaker.

The peace of Christ does not come by seeking the superficial things of life; neither does it come except as it springs from the individual’s heart.  David. O McKay, Conference report, Oct. 1938

The dictionary definition states that peace is a state of tranquility or quiet, freedom from disquieting thoughts or emotions, and harmony in personal relations.  According to Joseph B. Wirthlin, in the scriptures, peace means either freedom from strife, contention, conflict, or war - or an inner calm and comfort born of the Spirit that is a gift of God to all of his children, an assurance and serenity within a person’s heart. (Joseph B. Wirthlin, Peace Within, May 1991) 

Marion G Romney, suggested that we might think of peace as “harmony within one’s self, and with God and man.”

Joseph B. Wirthlin gave an excellent talk entitled Peace Within in April 1991, largely based on another wonderful talk, entitled The Price of Peace that Marion G. Romney had given 8 years earlier.  The following examples were outlined in these 2 talks.

During most of the world’s history, strife, dissension, and conflict have flourished and displaced peace. The times when peace has reigned, it began in the hearts of righteous, obedient individuals and grew until it engulfed a society. We have at least two scriptural accounts of periods of absolute peace:

The first of these periods of peace was among the people of Enoch, who lived before the great flood. They continued in righteousness, and “the Lord came and dwelt with” them. He “called his people Zion, because they were of one heart and one mind, and dwelt in righteousness.” They “built a city that was called the City of Holiness, even Zion” that, in the “process of time, was taken up into heaven.” (Moses 7:16–21.)  These people of Enoch are the only ones we know of in the scriptures that have obtained lasting perfect peace.

The second period of peace followed the ministry of the resurrected Jesus among the Nephites. They abolished the works of evil and obtained the fruit of the Spirit. Quoting from the Book of Mormon: “The disciples of Jesus had formed a church of Christ. … And as many as did come unto them, and did truly repent of their sins, were baptized in the name of Jesus; and they did also receive the Holy Ghost.” (4 Ne. 1:1.) Consequently, “there were no contentions and disputations among them” (4 Ne. 1:2) “because of the love of God which did dwell in the hearts of the people. And there were no envyings, nor strifes, nor tumults, nor whoredoms, nor lyings, nor murders, nor any manner of lasciviousness.” (4 Ne. 1:15–16.) “They were in one, the children of Christ, and heirs to the kingdom of God.” (4 Ne. 1:17.) “And every man did deal justly one with another.” (4 Ne. 1:2.) “And surely there could not be a happier people among all the people who had been created by the hand of God.” (4 Ne. 1:16.)

Peace prevailed among the Nephites for almost two centuries. Then some of them deserted the teachings of Jesus Christ and turned to wickedness and selfish pride  [ingratitude]. Within another two centuries, the Nephite nation that had enjoyed this long period of perfect peace had destroyed itself in savage civil war.

How can we cultivate and a grateful heart? 

The short answer is through practice. 

President Monson once said that we should “think to thank”. 

Henry B. Eyring, in a 1989 conference address suggested that we can begin a private prayer with thanks.  We can start to count our blessings, and then pause for a moment.  If we exercise faith, and with the gift of the Holy Ghost, we will find that memories of other blessings will flood into our minds.  If we begin to express

gratitude for each of them, our prayer may take a little longer than usual.  Remembrance will come.  And so will gratitude.

President Spencer W. Kimball said that Journals are a way of counting our blessings and of leaving an inventory of these blessings for our posterity.  As we start to write, we can ask ourselves, “How did God bless me today?”

The Prophet Joseph Smith assured us that we can enjoy that peace of God which passeth human understanding (noted in Philip. 4:7.) We can enjoy it personally, within our families, in our communities, in our nations, and in our world if we will do the things that produce it. This peace leads to happiness.

(See Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith, pp. 255–56.)

As I’ve outlined, one of the things that produces peace is showing gratitude, or having a grateful heart.  And what better time of year to practice showing gratitude than now.

President J. Reuben Clark, wisely counseled: “Hold fast to the blessings which God has provided for you. Yours is not the task to gain them, they are here; yours is the part of cherishing them” (Church News, 14 June 1969, 2).

I echo his wishes that we may cultivate grateful hearts so that we may cherish the multitude of blessings that God has so graciously bestowed upon us. May we openly express such gratitude to our Father in Heaven and our fellowmen and may we live in peace.

“Live in peace,” said the Apostle Paul, “and the God of love and peace shall be with you” (2 Cor. 13:11).

This is why I cook a meal for my family every night.

Another shout out to my friend A. for referring me to yet another excellent video by Alain de Boton. This time, I learned about Epicurus, a Greek philosopher. I have long been acquainted with the term “Epicurean” – defined as a person enjoying a rich, indulgent and luxurious lifestyle. This, in fact, is a bit of a misnomer. Although Epicurus did not see anything wrong with “enjoying” life, he wasn’t exactly a self-indulgent slug, either. His main premise is: What we want is not usually what we need. We look for happiness in material goods, wealth, etc. What we really need instead is three things: friends (especially eating meals together), freedom and self-reliance, and self reflection, or an “analyzed life.” Diogenes, a follower of Epicurus, built a wall around the market place, with Epicurus’ philosophy inscribed in the stones—a constant reminder or advertisement for happiness, so all the citizens could learn and be inspired by it. In a way, having a blog is a modern day version of the Diogenes wall—stating ideas and thoughts in hopes of encouraging discussion and learning from the ongoing dialogue.

Happiness is what you make it.....

Thanks to my friend A. for this video clip.  The presenter is Dan Gilbert, and the topic is: "Why are we happy? Why aren't we happy?" Gilbert is a psychology professor at Harvard, and author of "Stumbling on Happiness".  In this fascinating talk, Gilbert discusses revealing data from experiments on various students and amnesia patients how our brains choose happiness, no matter what happens to us. In other words, even if we don't get what we originally wanted, we decide eventually that what we ended up with was better anyway, and therefore we are happier.  This speaks to the spiritual doctrine that "trials" in life, given to us by God, are really better for us in the end because we learn and grow as a result of the stress.  I believe in this principle, simply because I've experienced it myself.  If it were possible (and it is not) for a person to live a life of complete ease and lack of problems, how would they possibly develop any character or depth to their soul?  So--back to square one: the idea that  we can choose to be happy.  This is sometimes difficult to accept when you are in the midst of a problem or challenge.  But eventually, you can get there if you stick it out.  My question is, how does one really find joy in the moment (even if the moment is uncomfortable, painful, sad, whatever).  I'm not sure that is possible.  And I do think some people, not wanting to "embrace" happiness in that moment, choose bitterness, lose their faith, go into denial, or flee the situation.  I think, to be happy, you can allow yourself an appropriate amount of time to grieve, be angry, sad, or whatever--and then move on and embrace what you have learned from the experience, eventually achieving a level of peace and resulting happiness.  But it is usually a long process, at least for me.

Happiness in relationship to confidence and fear....and aging

From a friend, K:

I just spoke with a friend here who will soon be 70 yrs.  I mentioned our ongoing discussion about happiness, etc.  She is amazing.  She lost two children in a car accident coming home for Christmas from BYU years and years ago.  She is a 10 year survivor of ovarian cancer.  Last year she lost a dear son-in-law to a car accident.

She is so faithful and keeps plugging on always, without focusing on herself.  She thinks part of a lack of happiness as we age has to do with a loss of confidence - of physically and mentally being able to tackle tasks that she once could.  She also thinks fear comes into it as we age.  More fear, less confidence - more sadness.

And a rebuttal, from another friend, L.

First, I must say that I read an article earlier this year that rings much more true about aging and happiness than the Huff Post article we've all been discussing.  That the middle years really are times of crisis where people reassess where they've been and feel the pinch of time, etc.  But if they navigate themselves successfully through this time of transition and find renewed purpose, studies have shown that age 70 is one of the happiest times of life. (This was a study of both men and women)

By the time you're 70, you can relax; don't have the worries of establishing career, family, etc.  In fact, the study showed that 70 year olds were on par with happiness of 20 year olds!

I couldn't disagree with your friend more in terms of confidence and fear.  I think that confidence increases as we build up life experience!  And we become less fearful.  Like, I used to worry so much more about image and what other people might think.  Now I don't give a rip.  I think that that really sharply drops off with age.  You just become more independent in thought and with more than half your life already passed; you come to a place of "It is what it is". 

My 30 year class reunion was the most fun because everyone's pretenses had dropped away.  At the 10 year reunion we were all trying to look very successful.  AT the 20 year, we were all trying to show the perfect children and families.  At the 30 year, we all just looked at each other and said, "Well, this is it."  Turned up the music and boogied down!!!

I do think that it's not fun lose the physical prowess that we had as young people.  Sometimes, when I see how others are aging, it gives me a window into how I must be.

Nevertheless, I'm more confident and fearless than I've ever been.  I think that that is life's gift as we lose the quickness and agility of youth, in both mind and body.  We just don't care anymore and begin to approach what we've got left in life with a reclaimed childlike joyousness.

Happiness is complex and multi-dimentional....

Thanks to LM's friend "B" for these thoughts, which are in response to my original question (and Marcus Buckingham's article).  This is a good summary of what a lot of us have been saying.  PS I was going to post this as a comment, but it was a little longer than most; I thought it was better suited to be a new post.

I think the ability to be happy (for women or men) is complex and multi-dimensional. I believe that this ability is comprised of cognitive, environmental, and physiological elements. A person may be endowed with a happy nature, yet encounter environmental and physiological issues that alter that natural propensity. For example,a naturally positive individual may be born to alcoholic parents and the resulting stress and trauma could alter the brain chemistry of that person, so that they develop chronic depression/anxiety problems. Said person could still work cognitively and behaviorally to deal with these, but they very well might also need medication to help restore a balanced, healthy physiological state.

I believe that many cases of depression and anxiety are due to physiological causes--many more times than we may realize. I believe that there are always things one can do cognitively and behaviorally to help mitigate these, but sometimes one must absolutely have some physical help in the form of anti-depressants, hormone supplements, etc..

Also, from the dawn of time, it's been a given that peri-menopause and menopause causes drastic changes in brain and body chemistry resulting in a host of psychological and physical ailments. Without a doubt. What a bummer. Women do have some extra challenges hormonally from puberty on, like it or not. These certainly don't render us any less productive, intelligent, or valuable in any capacity.

I wonder what Mr. Buckingham's conclusion is? As I think over what he had to say--I'm not sure why the statistics for women's happiness currently show such a decline. Are we more in touch with our feelings in this age of self-awareness? Are we more vocal in expressing these? Were our mothers and grandmothers more stoic? Perhaps.

With regards to the effects of one's environment on happiness, absolutely loving relationships, financial security and prosperity, fulfilling work/tasks/projects, contact with nature, etc., facilitate the state.

And, absolutely--things of the spirit--the arts, creativity of any kind, belief in a higher benevolent power, adherance to a set of positive values, positive mental and spiritual stimulation provide a breeding ground for happiness.

However, if a person has all of the above, yet still experiences depression/anxiety, I believe that the cause is very likely physical.

I also believe that an artistic/creative temperament doesn't always go hand in hand with mental illness and self-destruction. I'm thinking of some of my life-guides and favorite artists: Madeleine, C.S. Lewis, Tolkien, Sulamith, my parents, Mary O'Hara, Ann Moray...

Also, I believe that sometimes, the appropriate emotion IS unhappiness (of course). And, sometimes, just for no reason at all, we're going to feel melancholy. Our spirits are missing the stars. Sometimes, when I come face to face with the stark realization that I'm just not happy--I think to myself, "Oh well, so I'm not happy. Maybe that's okay." And then I either "vege" that day, or just DO SOMETHING. Goethe said, "Anything you can do or dream, you can begin it." Those beginnings are a big deal.

Here are a few good quotes from somebody I really trust, C.S. Lewis:

"To get up each morning with the resolve to be happy...is to set our own conditions to the events of each day. To do this is to condition circumstances instead of being conditioned by them." (Cognitive)

"The homemaker has the ultimate career. All other careers exist for one purpose only--and that is to support the ultimate career." (What a cool view--he "recognizes" us!)

"What saves a man is to take a step. Then another step..." (Cognitive and Behavioral)

"You don't have a soul. You are a Soul. You have a body." (Physiological causes)

Am I a loser or a piece of beautiful, tragic art?

I find this talk very uplifting (for all my girls out there, yes--even a man can have good thoughts!)  All kidding aside, Alain de Botton is, dare I say, preaching a secular form of the Gospel; Sort of like a modern, business world version of Jesus.  As I listened to Alain speak, many Gospel Principles came to my mind, such as:

Regarding "Meritocracy"
Alma, Chapter 30
V.V. 17......but every man fared in this life according to the management of the creature; therefore every man prospered according to his genius,

Regarding the judgment of others:

Matthew, Chapter 7, Verse 1:  Judge not, that ye be not judged.

Regarding Perspective, choices, or "Having it All":

Doctrine and Covenants Section 10, Verse 4: Do not run faster or labor more than you have strength...but be diligent unto the end.

The scriptures, and the Gospel of Jesus, have the answers for me.  

When you're a Brit, apparently its easier!

This is from one of LM's friends:

Only to be appreciated fully by an Englishwoman like yourself, I am sure:

“I saw a documentary on an international mental health study where a British woman dressed in a twinset, tweed skirt and brogues from a small village was asked if she ever felt depressed. "Nonsense," she replied, "I have a garden and a dog. That is all any Englishman needs to be happy!" 

I wish it were that simple for me!  I do believe that gardening is VERY therapeutic, and although I am a sporadic gardener, I have enjoyed every moment, even pulling weeds.  My kids think I'm nuts about that part!  Its all part of the getting out into nature idea.  My daughter told me, several years ago when she was still in High School, that she learned that native American Indians have a cure for the blues -- go outside and stand in the dirt in your bare feet.  I think it works, really, I do!

Also, animals are very therapeutic.  We currently have two kittens, and they are a delight.  I love all animals, but with my busy  household, we have not had very good luck with dogs.  Its a long story--one I won't go into right now.  Suffice it to say that cats are far less high maintenance than dogs, so its just easier.  And everyone in the family agrees that we all like cats.  So they keep us happy.  There is nothing better than a soft, furry, warm little creature greeting you every morning like you are the best thing in the world.

On Darkness and Light, from AH

I was kept up later than usual recently, as I had a guest who got very caught up with me in the new season House opener, and was sharing for the first time that in his late teens, he was confined in a mental institution for nearly a year and the pain and anguish around that.  Apparently sad topics have been the theme for me in the last couple days!  The visit went longer than expected naturally.  His take on most of the people he observed (and himself) while in there was that severe abuse and pain was the cause of most of the problems the people there had, not a chemical imbalance.

 

I’ve some tapes of David Whyte and remembered him, it was my first exposure to Jerry Wennstrom, and I didn’t really pay attention to his story, I was looking for a glimpse of David Whyte to share.  His material is really rich in exploring the inner world.  I’ve done some Shadow work which I found to be very illuminating.  One quote I’ve carried with me from that work is:

 

"One thing that comes out in myths is that at the bottom of the abyss comes the voice of salvation. The black moment is the moment when the real message of transformation is going to come. At the darkest moment comes the light."  Joseph Campbell

 

One of my friends in the Jewish faith has talked to me about the Kabala at times, and one of the interesting things I’ve taken away from that discussion is the recognition that there are some themes, some knowledge that is best approached when one has sufficient life experience and balance.  There is a book that is very thought provoking “Avalanche: Heretical Reflections on the Dark and the Light”, < http://www.amazon.com/Avalanche-Heretical-Reflections-Dark-Light/dp/0345367227> that feels to me like it would fit into that category of knowledge.  I don’t buy it all, but has a very interesting take on sadness.

 

“In his powerful bestselling book Joy's Way, Dr. W. Brugh Joy shared the story of the spiritual transformation that led him to abandon his medical practice and indeed his whole way of life. In the ten years since, Dr. Joy has experienced the dramatic second stage of his spiritual evolution and Avalanche is the result. In this iconoclastic book, Dr. Joy challenges the idealistic vision of spirituality as an experience of love, light, and harmony. He dares to appreciate the dark, shadow side of human nature that, if left unintegrated, can wreak havoc in our lives.

In fact, Dr. Joy sees shadow work as essential for the evolution of consciousness. He explores the dynamic of the shadow in such issues as multiple personalities as the basis of self, the collapse of exclusively masculine spiritual values, the emergence of the divine feminine and the counter forces that are set in motion in backlash against it, the power of destruction as a purging and healing force, and the battle of the individual with the collective. To access our hidden dark side, Dr. Joy offers as tools dreamwork, archetypes, rituals, and rites of passage, which can set the stage for transformation. Sure to generate controversy, Avalanche demands -- and rewards -- readers who are willing to experience their own deep psyche.”

 

I think one can be wise and innocent at the same time.  Innocence connotes to me a purity of soul and intention.

 

I find it interesting that our country’s early years had people putting happiness into the discourse of the country’s future – life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.  More recently another politician referenced it:

 

“Here we are the way politics ought to be in America ; the politics of happiness, the politics of purpose and the politics of joy.” Hubert H. Humphrey

 

Good ol’ Mark Twain is as funny as ever: “Sanity and happiness are an impossible combination.”

 

Another opinion - “A lifetime of happiness! No man alive could bear it: it would be hell on earth.” George Bernard Shaw

What it all means so far....

This ongoing dialogue has been extremely interesting and helpful to me personally.  I think the answer to my original question, "Why are women becoming sadder as they age?" is multi-faceted.  First of all, statistics can be misleading, and I'm not sure that ALL women are becoming sadder as they age, or that ALL women are less happy than their mothers were.  Secondly, it is quite clear from the discussions on menopause that depression is common during this phase of life.  Unfortunately, as women we all have to go through it--but, there are great suggestions for coping:  Exercise, good nutrition, spirituality, relationships/connectivity to our family and friends, gratitude, keeping a journal, and keeping a balanced perspective in regard to all the choices out there.  I think it is important to distinguish between serious depression, where one might need counseling and prescription medication -- with the "normal" day-to-day distractions, disappointments and stresses we must face, and then cope with.  We all have choices in how we cope.  And that is okay.  I have coped with stuff in my life differently from time to time, depending on what is going on.  I am not embarrassed to say that I take a daily dose of anti-depression medication.  Its a low dose, but it helps me stay in control of my emotions.  My nutrition and daily exercise fluctuate--somedays I'm better at it than other days.  But I do keep trying.  I especially enjoyed one of my friend's reference to her inspiration to quilt.  I also enjoy that creative outlet very much.  It eases my mind, calms me down.  So does being out in nature.  Our family often vacations in rural Wyoming, where I find it so beautiful, so soothing.  Ultimately, the relationships I have with others is my balm of Gilead.  I truly feel that relationships are the only thing that really matter in life, and thus bring you the most joy.  Relationship with God, with spouse, with children, other family members, friends, even neighbors and acquaintances.  Our interactions with others speak volumes of our inner character.  Are we kind, or are we impatient?  Do we succumb to road rage?  I realize no one is perfectly in harmony with their inner good intentions at all times.  That is the big challenge.  But you have to keep trying.  One day at a time.  Sometimes, one moment at a time.

What a coincidence!

I saw this video on mormon.org, which is about Happiness!  Its short, but worth viewing.  Another great film, well done, from the LDS church. Enjoy!

A man's perspective--from my friend AG

It troubles me that sadness/depression/ sorrow seems to be an ongoing problem faced by the women in the church.  When I served as Bishop of our ward, this was the number one problem that my sisters talked about.  

 

One of the things I tried to do was ban from Sacrament Meeting talks that included shopping lists of more things to do.  It was difficult because this way of thinking and speaking has become so ingrained in LDS culture - or is just that way in Alberta?  Several times we asked members to talk about God's watchful care over his children, or his unconditional love for his children.  What came out was the idea that we had to EARN his love by doing this, or that we had to EARN his protection by doing that, or that we had to EARN our salvation by doing everything.  These tasks are not only daunting, but impossible.  LIke Brother Robinson said, that approach sounds more like the "Bad News" than the "Good News".  The gospel really is the "Good News" of salvation.  I hope we can feel more fully God's grace and mercy in our lives.  As Paul said, "Thanks be to God who giveth us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ."      

 

Psalm 121

 

I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills, from whence cometh my help.  My help cometh from the Lord, which made heaven and earth.  He will not suffer thy foot to be moved; he that keepeth thee will not slumber.  Behold, he that keepeth Israel shall neither slumber nor sleep.  The Lord is thy keeper: the Lord is thy shade upon they right hand.  The sun shall not smite thee by day nor the moon by night.  The Lord shall preseve thee from all evil: he shall preserve thy soul.  The Lord shall preserve thy going out and thy coming in from this time forth, and even for evermore.

From another sister-in-law, KR

I am a mother of two young children and still trying to grow my family. While I am not old enough to be going through menopause yet, I have had many hormone issues and have been dealing with a lot of the same symptoms as menopause and many more. Between my health problems and the day to day life of a mother, wife, maid, cook, and what ever else life calls for, things get overwhelming. Overall happiness has been a struggle for sometime now. I can find the joy in moments and in my blessings at times but the overall feeling on a consistent basis has not been there.

My take on why women in general are unhappy is that we are not living in today, we are always looking towards tomorrow. In the 1950's women did not have as many opportunities or choices, but they looked towards a day they would. Much like the women then we too look towards the day we can have more, we just now have endless choices before us. Its the waiting for something better, wondering if a different choice would make us happier. I remember when I was dating my husband, I knew he was it, but he wasn't quite sure yet. He told me he wanted to see what all his options were before he settled down. Well he obviously figured out I was his best option. Are we doing the same thing, wanting to see what all our options are before we settle down in our life, and really be present in our life and not sub consciously out searching for better options. What happens when the options are endless! Will we ever be happy with what we have if we think there is something better out there? We live in a world that tell us we should have it "all", what is this "all" everyone keeps talking about? My "all" has to be different than your "all", we are all uniquely different. So why are we looking for happiness in the "all" (money, career, family, love, freedom, fame) the world has proclaimed as being the way to happiness. I am not naive enough to realize that this is a very broad and generalized view, but its what came to mind as I read all of your responses.

On a more personal note on how I am dealing with my own happiness issues. I am learning that awareness and verbal acknowledgment is key for me. Being aware of what is happening in my life, from kids, husband, home, work and my own well being, to what is going on outside my own little world. Awareness brings to light not only good things about your life but the bad things as well, and gives you the opportunity to see things for what they really are instead of searching for a different reality. Verbally acknowledging these things makes them real and makes us face them instead of denying them.It also gives us the chance to except what we see or decide to make changes to the aspects we don't like. Being aware of my health issues and really looking at how they have effected me and my family has given me a strange kind of freedom to pull myself out of the center of my problems and see them more objectively. I still have my moments where no matter how hard I try, I am there in the center of it all and totally consumed by it. But those moments are becoming fewer and far between. Of course I am also doing what my hormone doctor has suggested and that is part of the change as well.

Simplify, from my sister-in-law, SLR

Wow, there have been so many responses to your question.  I don't feel like there is much that I can add.  A little of my own perspective maybe. Simple as it may be.

I think that as women we put so much pressure on ourselves to do it all and have it all and we set the bar so high that it can be almost impossible to reach. In doing so we set ourselves up to be disappointed in ourselves and our situation. I know I do that.  I think we need to cut ourselves a break.  Focus on the good things that we do and stop beating ourselves up for the things we're not or have no control over. Cut out the things that are not totally necessary.  Simplify,Simplify,Simplify. (I say that because I need that.)

Choice, like so many have mentioned is huge.  We must choose to be happy.  Some days are harder than others.  When I'm down that can be an irritating thing to hear but none the less true. Mom always used to drill that into my head. It's a choice.

As you know, I'm big into exercise.  I can honestly say that Jazzercise saves me.  Sometimes when I feel like I'm going to lose it, I go teach my class and everthing seems to melt away.  It is truely therapy for me.  My husband can even see a huge difference in me.  Exercise releases endorphins which creates a sense of well being.  It helps me get the "gunk" out.  Not to mention, when you look better, you feel better!  It helps me better manage the tough stuff.

No matter what I do though, I'm the most happy when I'm in touch with the Lord.  I was preparing a lesson for Relief Society a few weeks ago and came across this scripture that really touched me.

2 Corinthians 12 8-10
8 For this thing I besought the Lord thrice, that it might depart from me. 9. And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strenghth is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 10. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong. 

Wow, do I ever need the power of Christ to rest upon me.  That is when I feel peace. Happiness.
 

On Gratitude from LM's friend

I believe with all my heart that my happiness is directly measured by my own sense of gratitude.  The more grateful I am, the greater my happiness seems to be and the greater my ability to succor others.  My lack of gratitude sucks at my ability to fill my own needs and leaves me quite incapable of serving the needs of others causing discouragement, discontentment and depression.  The more discouraged I am, the less organized, more chaotic and disgruntled I become.  I become so unhappy and wonder why, ……. only to realize how I have distanced myself from God.  I repent and begin (again and again) to recognize without His sweet spirit in my life, I become the “nothing” that encompasses my discouragement, discontentment and depression.  I (struggle to) begin to think of the happiness of others (and struggle again and again to) ignore my own unhappiness and find purpose in “doing for others” which begins to dissolve the feelings of discouragement, discontentment and depression.  I discover (again and again---I believe it is a cycle) that my sense of purpose and giving of myself seems to combat my strong sense of selfishness that displays itself as discouragement, discontentment and depression.  I find, for me, if I can always remember to serve quietly and regularly, I can stay on a fairly even keel striving for selflessness.    

 

Happiness is an attitude I want to choose everyday when I get up in the morning.  I can choose to be happy—to embrace it or reject it.  I may be simplistic, but it works ever so well for me.  Happiness IS an attitude of gratitude.

 

I am still working on the perfect recipe.  It is a continual life-long pursuit. 

On Innocence Lost and Found, from LM

I love the idea of finding something pleasant in your immediate surroundings everyday.  If that's not the secret to happiness, I don't know what is.  That is what children do, find delight and wonder in the present, in the world around them.  And children do seem to have a special claim to happiness.  Unashamed, spontaneous joy.

 

I went to the Youtube link and watched the David Whyte commentaries about the art of Jerry Wennstrom (I think that was the name).  Never heard of either of these guys.  And Jerry seemed like the ultimate wierdo and I was not at all drawn to his art.  I found it rather unsettling and uncomfortable.  But what they said rang very true.

 

Their discussion of reclaiming innocence through a journey of darkness is a theme that I've been ruminating on for about 15 years now.  I think that it is what Christ meant when he said,  "Be ye as little children".   That is, innocence, as in keeping that element of wonder and surprise and joy alive in our hearts even when we are old.  It's a rejection of becoming "jaded".  WE choose innocence.  Whereas, children don't choose innocence, they are fresh and new.  They simply are.  Whereas, as adults we must consciously choose it.  In a Joseph Smith lesson that I taught a few months ago, there was a quote,  "As you increase in innocence and virtue, as you increase in goodness, let your hearts expand, let them be enlarged toward others...." 

 

It is an interesting concept to "increase or grow" in innocence, as we tend to think of innocence as something that is had and lost, never to be regained again.  But it is not so.  Innocence does not solely belong to the unconscious realm of children.  It also belongs to the conscious world of adulthood, where it means so much more because it is chosen.  And I found it so true when David Whyte said that when we lose our innocence is when we become "besieged by the world".  How true it is! 

 

He also talks about the sad adult response to the world that we have to act upon it in order to somehow deserve to be a part of it.  Rather than simply accepting the world around us and BEING a part of it, without feeling a call to action.  Simply a call to BEING.  which I also think is another aspect of childlikeness.

 

Another issue he brought up that hit close to home was the difficulty of claiming our own happiness.  And that by claiming our own happiness, we'd be "out of a job" so much so that "grasping the hand of contentment is like grasping the hand of death."  Meaning, that if we cease to struggle, are we dead?  I've often wondered if some people are addicted to the adrenalin and drama of trauma and struggle.  Brings to mind Carly Simon's words,  "Suffering is the only thing that makes me feel I'm alive."  And goes back to my earlier meanderings of being frightened by joy. 

 

Several years ago, I read Sue Monk Kidd's first book When The Heart Waits, that she published long before she was the famous Secret Life of Bees author.  I thought it was a brilliant book about seeing yourself through a midlife crisis.  Cocooning and waiting out the darkness.  Waiting for what it has to teach us.  Really really good.

Thoughts from my friend AH

Ah, I have read the article now.  And there have been so many great things shared that I can ‘second’. Building on that maybe I have some unique, or strange? perspectives. 

 

1)       Without a doubt, I am happier than my mother was at the same age (hmmmm this doesn’t jive with the article) AND my mother always said that her mid-forties and beyond were the happiest years of her life!

2)       My mother would turn over in her grave at the thought of more choice being a source of depression.  She worked so hard and was so vocal about how she wanted me to have more choices than she.  She came of age during the Great Depression, and as hard as things are right now, they don’t seem as bad as what she and other relatives living in that time experienced.  That being said, being in the place where I’ve actually experienced the ‘more choice’ life, I can see that what HB pointed out is certainly a downside. I used to get rather caught up in the wide variety of choices and found myself getting rather ‘stuck’ and unable to act.  I think I’ve gotten to a better place from the direction of conscious choice of dwelling in the present and not allowing myself to go to the ‘regret’ phase.  No matter which path we take, we gain learning and experience that will inform the next steps.  If I get stuck in any past eddies now, it’s more that I feel angst about not seeing the other path that lay before me at the time at all, and now I have the perspective that there was another path at certain junctures that might have been chosen.

3)       I have to reiterate what has already been written that with all the things you’ve listed as causing you to feel depressed, it would be abnormal NOT to be depressed.  Tears clear toxins, allow yourself the process of sadness, and come out on the other side refreshed.

4)       I love David Whyte, an Irish poet, in moody times.  Here’s a piece where he is talking about an artist, but in the middle he talks about happiness, and middle age: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iHLhxuQygyI

5)       I, like you, have been mostly a person counted on to be happy, and I generally am.  However I have had my sad moments for sure.

6)       The unemployed husband issue must be difficult.  With this economy it’s really doubly or triply difficult.  It’s not all that easy a process in normal times, and with this economy it must truly be discouraging.  I don’t know all the tools he’s used, but if he hasn’t tried JibberJobber (http://www.jibberjobber.com/login.php) it’s a great organizing tool for the search, and seeing the documentation of your efforts can give a positive sense of accomplishment towards the goal.

7)       There are so many aspects of the country/world that are in chaos right now, it’s really hard not to be affected by the times we are in, not the least of which is the economy.  The upside is that if we’re not paralyzed, it is an unprecedented opportunity to effect change in the systems that are broken.  Another upside is that we tend to get a reality check on what it is that matters most to us and it sustains us.

8)       There is a lot of reexamination at the midpoint in our lives as we’ve been busy accomplishing, and our spiritual aspirations and aspects become even more important.  It’s a time when many of us have the opportunity to recreate ourselves and the structure of our lives.  It’s a good thing that brings in fresh air and keeps us aligned with our inner compass if we take the opportunity to pause the auto-pilots and take charge of the wheel.  We start making bucket lists, and can have a lot of fun making sure we get to everything before our health or circumstances prevent us.

 

Hope this is helpful.

PS.  Being the sole caregiver for an 89 year old father with Alzheimer’s gives plenty of room for getting a bit ground down and exhausted, thus a bit sad.  One of the practical things I do is since I can’t do the running around the globe finding fun things as I used to, I get my adventure and perspective on the day by focusing on writing about a food or local topic for my blog.  It’s the one space I have to enter another world no matter where I am…  I can not fail to observe then something pleasant in my immediate surroundings each day as I ‘have’ to write!  A little different take on gratitude journaling.