Simplify, from my sister-in-law, SLR

Wow, there have been so many responses to your question.  I don't feel like there is much that I can add.  A little of my own perspective maybe. Simple as it may be.

I think that as women we put so much pressure on ourselves to do it all and have it all and we set the bar so high that it can be almost impossible to reach. In doing so we set ourselves up to be disappointed in ourselves and our situation. I know I do that.  I think we need to cut ourselves a break.  Focus on the good things that we do and stop beating ourselves up for the things we're not or have no control over. Cut out the things that are not totally necessary.  Simplify,Simplify,Simplify. (I say that because I need that.)

Choice, like so many have mentioned is huge.  We must choose to be happy.  Some days are harder than others.  When I'm down that can be an irritating thing to hear but none the less true. Mom always used to drill that into my head. It's a choice.

As you know, I'm big into exercise.  I can honestly say that Jazzercise saves me.  Sometimes when I feel like I'm going to lose it, I go teach my class and everthing seems to melt away.  It is truely therapy for me.  My husband can even see a huge difference in me.  Exercise releases endorphins which creates a sense of well being.  It helps me get the "gunk" out.  Not to mention, when you look better, you feel better!  It helps me better manage the tough stuff.

No matter what I do though, I'm the most happy when I'm in touch with the Lord.  I was preparing a lesson for Relief Society a few weeks ago and came across this scripture that really touched me.

2 Corinthians 12 8-10
8 For this thing I besought the Lord thrice, that it might depart from me. 9. And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strenghth is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 10. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong. 

Wow, do I ever need the power of Christ to rest upon me.  That is when I feel peace. Happiness.
 

Adam and Eve, from LM

Choices are such a mixed blessing.  How much happier we are when we have the freedom to choose..............but how hard having those choices and freedoms are!!!  I think that women, especially,  always have their eye on the smorgasbord of choices and are afraid of making the wrong choice and then after finally  making my choice, I find it hard to be happy in it, wondering if I've missed anything.  Crazy.  I think it's why Lucifer was able to get through to Eve in the Garden of Eden.  She saw the world in living color and wanted to make sure that she was getting all the pieces.  Whereas, Adam, being a man, saw the world in black and white.  Thus is life was simpler, but not so progressive.  Eve was more complex and progressive, but needed the protection and grounding that Adam had to offer while Eve was the first to step out and risk.  I hate to be so labeling of men and women.  Sorry.  And of course, it would probably require a whole book to properly treat it.  But I really do think that women suffer with indecision in a way that men don't.  So...............what's the science behind that?????

Ruminations on Robert Frost by my friend HB

I agree about the impact of choices on happiness.  The more choices we have, the harder it is to choose and the less satisfied we'll be with whatever choice we make.  When we make a choice, we're not just choosing something, but we're also rejecting the alternatives, so the more options we have, the more things we're rejecting when we make a choice, and that can be difficult.  Also, as we reflect on our choices, we have more to regret if our initial choice was one of several things, and not just A or B.  So as we women have more choices about how to live our lives, the more we're likely to fall into being dissatisfied with some of our choices because we keep thinking about the roads not taken. 

Writing the phrase "roads not taken" made me think of Frost's poem The Road Not Taken.  Here it is:

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;	5
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,	10
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.	15
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.	20

What really stands out to me just now is how simple Frost makes the decision process seem.  He's in a wood and has to decide between one road or the other.  But what happens when there are four roads or six or ten roads?  I think he'd be standing a lot longer in the wood if he had to decide between four roads or more.  Also, Frost acknowledges that although we may tell ourselves that if the decision doesn't work out we will go back and take the other road, the reality is that usually isn't possible.  We know this, and that makes it harder to choose one road over another.  And finally, Frost acknowledges that in the future we'll look back with a sigh and a regret on some of our decisions, but on the whole, we should be happy with the decisions we've made.

Okay, English lesson over.  Here are some suggestions:  simplify choices whenever possible, don't do volumes of research, give yourself a deadline for researching a decision, then make the decision.  Remember that delaying or avoiding a decision doesn't mean that you're keeping all of your options open - some options may close while you're making up your mind.  And once you've made a decision, don't go over and over it.  If you're not happy with the results , make new decisions that will get you where you want to be, but don't go back and try to redo a decision that's already been made.  You may not be able to get back to that same fork in the road, but you can always make choices that will put you closer to where you want to be.  Cut yourself some slack - remember that you made the best decision you could with what you knew at the time.  If you now know that wasn't the best choice, then take steps to change it, but don't beat yourself up for having made the initial decision. 

From my friend TWS

I have read many of your comments and find them all fascinating.  I agree with many of you.  Look at nature around you and all your problems don't seem as big.  Exercise (something I'm not doing enough of lately), spend time with friends, read a good book, keep family close, take care of your spiritual side, etc. are all great ideas.  My take on one reason that women don't seem as happy is that as women, we are told we can have it all.  Some of us don't want it all and feel guilty because something must be wrong with us if we don't. Some of us try to have it all at once and it is very hard to do.  Something usually has to give, most of the time it is us.  I think that women can have it all if they choose to but not all at once.  I loved the time that I took to raise my children.  Now that they are older, I have chosen to start a new career in teaching.  After one month, my students seem to be learning and enjoying my class (a huge worry for a 1st year teacher). My family is doing well at home.  My children are picking up some of the slack at home, like their laundry.   Life is good.

I think that it comes down to choices.  If someone is truly depressed, seek professional help.  If it is a general malaise, get out and help someone else.  That usually helps me feel better about my problems and my life.  Giving back to the community or a friend is a great thing.

Choices, more from KM

Back to the question of why women would be getting sadder.  Is it because of all the choices?

 

I do admit as I've gotten older that choices stress me more than they used to.  I often muse that it would be easier if I was just always told what to do.  Of course, then it would have to be the perfect, all-knowing person telling me these things.  And they couldn't be bossy about it, because I do want to have my say sometimes.  Or at least I want to be able to veto if I don't like the choice laid out for me.

 

Choices are hard, I guess that's part of the plan.  We have to figure things out.  However, when you get stressed about picking a paint color or what food to serve to dinner guests or one of hundreds of little, seemingly non consequential decisions that we face each day then I'd rather just be told - by a kind expert!

 

Maybe because we do have so many choices and so many opportunities we set ourselves up for wanting and expecting more and then we are disappointed?  As an example:  My husband is great, but he's not quite Gen Y.  Yet I hear so much and read so much about men doing more and more at home and with their families.  Do I set myself up then for disappointment because I know it's out there (the more involved, more helpful at home, etc.) husband yet I don't have it?

 

I think that's part of it for me.  Not focusing on what great things I do have in my life and spending too much time thinking about what I don't.  Or how it could be better, or different.  This is when I need to stop and be grateful for what I do have.  This is where I can march my little figure up the chart a notch because of ABC and not down because of XYZ.

 

Sometimes I also feel a bit like I'm floating along - not with a strong sense of direction.  This tends to give me a sense of malaise as well. 

 

It comes back to the remembering part and baby steps.

 

From my sister, LA

What works for me is to "get physical". Keep my mind and body busy. If it is not within my power to fix the problem, then it's just best to pull a Scarlett O'Hara "Fiddle dee dee, I will just think about that tomorrow". Of course, if it IS something that can be addressed and possibly made better thru counseling or a support group, etc., then by all means, that should be done. You just need to made a conscious choice to be happy, which it sounds like you're working on, and that usually does the trick. Focus on your blessings, whether it be: 1. Roof over your head still.  2. Food in your tummy every day.  3. wonderful children/husband/pet(s)/friends (whatever fits your situation) 4. Good health if you are fortunate enough to have it. 5. Etc., Etc., Etc.

Sometimes it helps to talk to someone and just get it off your chest. I'm the opposite -- I clam up, but that's just me. I'm here for you if you ever want to talk.

Other than that, I know nothing! It's pretty much a shot in the dark, but eventually all things pass and all you need to do in hang in there -- I remember thinking that the world should stop revolving when my husband got so sick 6 years ago, then again 5 years ago when our son died, but guess what? Time DOES heal, and we survived to face another crisis, and in the meantime there have been so many spots of happiness in between those hardships (Kids/Grand kids to love and to make me laugh, a husband who knows/understands me like no one else ever has and makes me laugh, my beautiful tranquil mountains, etc.) I can't tell you how many times I've been sad and I've gone out on the back deck and just listened to the birds singing or the wind blowing through the trees (almost sounds like the surf breaking!), etc. Find what relaxes you and do it.