Happiness is complex and multi-dimentional....

Thanks to LM's friend "B" for these thoughts, which are in response to my original question (and Marcus Buckingham's article).  This is a good summary of what a lot of us have been saying.  PS I was going to post this as a comment, but it was a little longer than most; I thought it was better suited to be a new post.

I think the ability to be happy (for women or men) is complex and multi-dimensional. I believe that this ability is comprised of cognitive, environmental, and physiological elements. A person may be endowed with a happy nature, yet encounter environmental and physiological issues that alter that natural propensity. For example,a naturally positive individual may be born to alcoholic parents and the resulting stress and trauma could alter the brain chemistry of that person, so that they develop chronic depression/anxiety problems. Said person could still work cognitively and behaviorally to deal with these, but they very well might also need medication to help restore a balanced, healthy physiological state.

I believe that many cases of depression and anxiety are due to physiological causes--many more times than we may realize. I believe that there are always things one can do cognitively and behaviorally to help mitigate these, but sometimes one must absolutely have some physical help in the form of anti-depressants, hormone supplements, etc..

Also, from the dawn of time, it's been a given that peri-menopause and menopause causes drastic changes in brain and body chemistry resulting in a host of psychological and physical ailments. Without a doubt. What a bummer. Women do have some extra challenges hormonally from puberty on, like it or not. These certainly don't render us any less productive, intelligent, or valuable in any capacity.

I wonder what Mr. Buckingham's conclusion is? As I think over what he had to say--I'm not sure why the statistics for women's happiness currently show such a decline. Are we more in touch with our feelings in this age of self-awareness? Are we more vocal in expressing these? Were our mothers and grandmothers more stoic? Perhaps.

With regards to the effects of one's environment on happiness, absolutely loving relationships, financial security and prosperity, fulfilling work/tasks/projects, contact with nature, etc., facilitate the state.

And, absolutely--things of the spirit--the arts, creativity of any kind, belief in a higher benevolent power, adherance to a set of positive values, positive mental and spiritual stimulation provide a breeding ground for happiness.

However, if a person has all of the above, yet still experiences depression/anxiety, I believe that the cause is very likely physical.

I also believe that an artistic/creative temperament doesn't always go hand in hand with mental illness and self-destruction. I'm thinking of some of my life-guides and favorite artists: Madeleine, C.S. Lewis, Tolkien, Sulamith, my parents, Mary O'Hara, Ann Moray...

Also, I believe that sometimes, the appropriate emotion IS unhappiness (of course). And, sometimes, just for no reason at all, we're going to feel melancholy. Our spirits are missing the stars. Sometimes, when I come face to face with the stark realization that I'm just not happy--I think to myself, "Oh well, so I'm not happy. Maybe that's okay." And then I either "vege" that day, or just DO SOMETHING. Goethe said, "Anything you can do or dream, you can begin it." Those beginnings are a big deal.

Here are a few good quotes from somebody I really trust, C.S. Lewis:

"To get up each morning with the resolve to be happy...is to set our own conditions to the events of each day. To do this is to condition circumstances instead of being conditioned by them." (Cognitive)

"The homemaker has the ultimate career. All other careers exist for one purpose only--and that is to support the ultimate career." (What a cool view--he "recognizes" us!)

"What saves a man is to take a step. Then another step..." (Cognitive and Behavioral)

"You don't have a soul. You are a Soul. You have a body." (Physiological causes)

Am I a loser or a piece of beautiful, tragic art?

I find this talk very uplifting (for all my girls out there, yes--even a man can have good thoughts!)  All kidding aside, Alain de Botton is, dare I say, preaching a secular form of the Gospel; Sort of like a modern, business world version of Jesus.  As I listened to Alain speak, many Gospel Principles came to my mind, such as:

Regarding "Meritocracy"
Alma, Chapter 30
V.V. 17......but every man fared in this life according to the management of the creature; therefore every man prospered according to his genius,

Regarding the judgment of others:

Matthew, Chapter 7, Verse 1:  Judge not, that ye be not judged.

Regarding Perspective, choices, or "Having it All":

Doctrine and Covenants Section 10, Verse 4: Do not run faster or labor more than you have strength...but be diligent unto the end.

The scriptures, and the Gospel of Jesus, have the answers for me.  

When you're a Brit, apparently its easier!

This is from one of LM's friends:

Only to be appreciated fully by an Englishwoman like yourself, I am sure:

“I saw a documentary on an international mental health study where a British woman dressed in a twinset, tweed skirt and brogues from a small village was asked if she ever felt depressed. "Nonsense," she replied, "I have a garden and a dog. That is all any Englishman needs to be happy!" 

I wish it were that simple for me!  I do believe that gardening is VERY therapeutic, and although I am a sporadic gardener, I have enjoyed every moment, even pulling weeds.  My kids think I'm nuts about that part!  Its all part of the getting out into nature idea.  My daughter told me, several years ago when she was still in High School, that she learned that native American Indians have a cure for the blues -- go outside and stand in the dirt in your bare feet.  I think it works, really, I do!

Also, animals are very therapeutic.  We currently have two kittens, and they are a delight.  I love all animals, but with my busy  household, we have not had very good luck with dogs.  Its a long story--one I won't go into right now.  Suffice it to say that cats are far less high maintenance than dogs, so its just easier.  And everyone in the family agrees that we all like cats.  So they keep us happy.  There is nothing better than a soft, furry, warm little creature greeting you every morning like you are the best thing in the world.

On Darkness and Light, from AH

I was kept up later than usual recently, as I had a guest who got very caught up with me in the new season House opener, and was sharing for the first time that in his late teens, he was confined in a mental institution for nearly a year and the pain and anguish around that.  Apparently sad topics have been the theme for me in the last couple days!  The visit went longer than expected naturally.  His take on most of the people he observed (and himself) while in there was that severe abuse and pain was the cause of most of the problems the people there had, not a chemical imbalance.

 

I’ve some tapes of David Whyte and remembered him, it was my first exposure to Jerry Wennstrom, and I didn’t really pay attention to his story, I was looking for a glimpse of David Whyte to share.  His material is really rich in exploring the inner world.  I’ve done some Shadow work which I found to be very illuminating.  One quote I’ve carried with me from that work is:

 

"One thing that comes out in myths is that at the bottom of the abyss comes the voice of salvation. The black moment is the moment when the real message of transformation is going to come. At the darkest moment comes the light."  Joseph Campbell

 

One of my friends in the Jewish faith has talked to me about the Kabala at times, and one of the interesting things I’ve taken away from that discussion is the recognition that there are some themes, some knowledge that is best approached when one has sufficient life experience and balance.  There is a book that is very thought provoking “Avalanche: Heretical Reflections on the Dark and the Light”, < http://www.amazon.com/Avalanche-Heretical-Reflections-Dark-Light/dp/0345367227> that feels to me like it would fit into that category of knowledge.  I don’t buy it all, but has a very interesting take on sadness.

 

“In his powerful bestselling book Joy's Way, Dr. W. Brugh Joy shared the story of the spiritual transformation that led him to abandon his medical practice and indeed his whole way of life. In the ten years since, Dr. Joy has experienced the dramatic second stage of his spiritual evolution and Avalanche is the result. In this iconoclastic book, Dr. Joy challenges the idealistic vision of spirituality as an experience of love, light, and harmony. He dares to appreciate the dark, shadow side of human nature that, if left unintegrated, can wreak havoc in our lives.

In fact, Dr. Joy sees shadow work as essential for the evolution of consciousness. He explores the dynamic of the shadow in such issues as multiple personalities as the basis of self, the collapse of exclusively masculine spiritual values, the emergence of the divine feminine and the counter forces that are set in motion in backlash against it, the power of destruction as a purging and healing force, and the battle of the individual with the collective. To access our hidden dark side, Dr. Joy offers as tools dreamwork, archetypes, rituals, and rites of passage, which can set the stage for transformation. Sure to generate controversy, Avalanche demands -- and rewards -- readers who are willing to experience their own deep psyche.”

 

I think one can be wise and innocent at the same time.  Innocence connotes to me a purity of soul and intention.

 

I find it interesting that our country’s early years had people putting happiness into the discourse of the country’s future – life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.  More recently another politician referenced it:

 

“Here we are the way politics ought to be in America ; the politics of happiness, the politics of purpose and the politics of joy.” Hubert H. Humphrey

 

Good ol’ Mark Twain is as funny as ever: “Sanity and happiness are an impossible combination.”

 

Another opinion - “A lifetime of happiness! No man alive could bear it: it would be hell on earth.” George Bernard Shaw

What it all means so far....

This ongoing dialogue has been extremely interesting and helpful to me personally.  I think the answer to my original question, "Why are women becoming sadder as they age?" is multi-faceted.  First of all, statistics can be misleading, and I'm not sure that ALL women are becoming sadder as they age, or that ALL women are less happy than their mothers were.  Secondly, it is quite clear from the discussions on menopause that depression is common during this phase of life.  Unfortunately, as women we all have to go through it--but, there are great suggestions for coping:  Exercise, good nutrition, spirituality, relationships/connectivity to our family and friends, gratitude, keeping a journal, and keeping a balanced perspective in regard to all the choices out there.  I think it is important to distinguish between serious depression, where one might need counseling and prescription medication -- with the "normal" day-to-day distractions, disappointments and stresses we must face, and then cope with.  We all have choices in how we cope.  And that is okay.  I have coped with stuff in my life differently from time to time, depending on what is going on.  I am not embarrassed to say that I take a daily dose of anti-depression medication.  Its a low dose, but it helps me stay in control of my emotions.  My nutrition and daily exercise fluctuate--somedays I'm better at it than other days.  But I do keep trying.  I especially enjoyed one of my friend's reference to her inspiration to quilt.  I also enjoy that creative outlet very much.  It eases my mind, calms me down.  So does being out in nature.  Our family often vacations in rural Wyoming, where I find it so beautiful, so soothing.  Ultimately, the relationships I have with others is my balm of Gilead.  I truly feel that relationships are the only thing that really matter in life, and thus bring you the most joy.  Relationship with God, with spouse, with children, other family members, friends, even neighbors and acquaintances.  Our interactions with others speak volumes of our inner character.  Are we kind, or are we impatient?  Do we succumb to road rage?  I realize no one is perfectly in harmony with their inner good intentions at all times.  That is the big challenge.  But you have to keep trying.  One day at a time.  Sometimes, one moment at a time.

What a coincidence!

I saw this video on mormon.org, which is about Happiness!  Its short, but worth viewing.  Another great film, well done, from the LDS church. Enjoy!

A man's perspective--from my friend AG

It troubles me that sadness/depression/ sorrow seems to be an ongoing problem faced by the women in the church.  When I served as Bishop of our ward, this was the number one problem that my sisters talked about.  

 

One of the things I tried to do was ban from Sacrament Meeting talks that included shopping lists of more things to do.  It was difficult because this way of thinking and speaking has become so ingrained in LDS culture - or is just that way in Alberta?  Several times we asked members to talk about God's watchful care over his children, or his unconditional love for his children.  What came out was the idea that we had to EARN his love by doing this, or that we had to EARN his protection by doing that, or that we had to EARN our salvation by doing everything.  These tasks are not only daunting, but impossible.  LIke Brother Robinson said, that approach sounds more like the "Bad News" than the "Good News".  The gospel really is the "Good News" of salvation.  I hope we can feel more fully God's grace and mercy in our lives.  As Paul said, "Thanks be to God who giveth us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ."      

 

Psalm 121

 

I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills, from whence cometh my help.  My help cometh from the Lord, which made heaven and earth.  He will not suffer thy foot to be moved; he that keepeth thee will not slumber.  Behold, he that keepeth Israel shall neither slumber nor sleep.  The Lord is thy keeper: the Lord is thy shade upon they right hand.  The sun shall not smite thee by day nor the moon by night.  The Lord shall preseve thee from all evil: he shall preserve thy soul.  The Lord shall preserve thy going out and thy coming in from this time forth, and even for evermore.

From another sister-in-law, KR

I am a mother of two young children and still trying to grow my family. While I am not old enough to be going through menopause yet, I have had many hormone issues and have been dealing with a lot of the same symptoms as menopause and many more. Between my health problems and the day to day life of a mother, wife, maid, cook, and what ever else life calls for, things get overwhelming. Overall happiness has been a struggle for sometime now. I can find the joy in moments and in my blessings at times but the overall feeling on a consistent basis has not been there.

My take on why women in general are unhappy is that we are not living in today, we are always looking towards tomorrow. In the 1950's women did not have as many opportunities or choices, but they looked towards a day they would. Much like the women then we too look towards the day we can have more, we just now have endless choices before us. Its the waiting for something better, wondering if a different choice would make us happier. I remember when I was dating my husband, I knew he was it, but he wasn't quite sure yet. He told me he wanted to see what all his options were before he settled down. Well he obviously figured out I was his best option. Are we doing the same thing, wanting to see what all our options are before we settle down in our life, and really be present in our life and not sub consciously out searching for better options. What happens when the options are endless! Will we ever be happy with what we have if we think there is something better out there? We live in a world that tell us we should have it "all", what is this "all" everyone keeps talking about? My "all" has to be different than your "all", we are all uniquely different. So why are we looking for happiness in the "all" (money, career, family, love, freedom, fame) the world has proclaimed as being the way to happiness. I am not naive enough to realize that this is a very broad and generalized view, but its what came to mind as I read all of your responses.

On a more personal note on how I am dealing with my own happiness issues. I am learning that awareness and verbal acknowledgment is key for me. Being aware of what is happening in my life, from kids, husband, home, work and my own well being, to what is going on outside my own little world. Awareness brings to light not only good things about your life but the bad things as well, and gives you the opportunity to see things for what they really are instead of searching for a different reality. Verbally acknowledging these things makes them real and makes us face them instead of denying them.It also gives us the chance to except what we see or decide to make changes to the aspects we don't like. Being aware of my health issues and really looking at how they have effected me and my family has given me a strange kind of freedom to pull myself out of the center of my problems and see them more objectively. I still have my moments where no matter how hard I try, I am there in the center of it all and totally consumed by it. But those moments are becoming fewer and far between. Of course I am also doing what my hormone doctor has suggested and that is part of the change as well.

Simplify, from my sister-in-law, SLR

Wow, there have been so many responses to your question.  I don't feel like there is much that I can add.  A little of my own perspective maybe. Simple as it may be.

I think that as women we put so much pressure on ourselves to do it all and have it all and we set the bar so high that it can be almost impossible to reach. In doing so we set ourselves up to be disappointed in ourselves and our situation. I know I do that.  I think we need to cut ourselves a break.  Focus on the good things that we do and stop beating ourselves up for the things we're not or have no control over. Cut out the things that are not totally necessary.  Simplify,Simplify,Simplify. (I say that because I need that.)

Choice, like so many have mentioned is huge.  We must choose to be happy.  Some days are harder than others.  When I'm down that can be an irritating thing to hear but none the less true. Mom always used to drill that into my head. It's a choice.

As you know, I'm big into exercise.  I can honestly say that Jazzercise saves me.  Sometimes when I feel like I'm going to lose it, I go teach my class and everthing seems to melt away.  It is truely therapy for me.  My husband can even see a huge difference in me.  Exercise releases endorphins which creates a sense of well being.  It helps me get the "gunk" out.  Not to mention, when you look better, you feel better!  It helps me better manage the tough stuff.

No matter what I do though, I'm the most happy when I'm in touch with the Lord.  I was preparing a lesson for Relief Society a few weeks ago and came across this scripture that really touched me.

2 Corinthians 12 8-10
8 For this thing I besought the Lord thrice, that it might depart from me. 9. And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strenghth is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 10. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong. 

Wow, do I ever need the power of Christ to rest upon me.  That is when I feel peace. Happiness.
 

On Gratitude from LM's friend

I believe with all my heart that my happiness is directly measured by my own sense of gratitude.  The more grateful I am, the greater my happiness seems to be and the greater my ability to succor others.  My lack of gratitude sucks at my ability to fill my own needs and leaves me quite incapable of serving the needs of others causing discouragement, discontentment and depression.  The more discouraged I am, the less organized, more chaotic and disgruntled I become.  I become so unhappy and wonder why, ……. only to realize how I have distanced myself from God.  I repent and begin (again and again) to recognize without His sweet spirit in my life, I become the “nothing” that encompasses my discouragement, discontentment and depression.  I (struggle to) begin to think of the happiness of others (and struggle again and again to) ignore my own unhappiness and find purpose in “doing for others” which begins to dissolve the feelings of discouragement, discontentment and depression.  I discover (again and again---I believe it is a cycle) that my sense of purpose and giving of myself seems to combat my strong sense of selfishness that displays itself as discouragement, discontentment and depression.  I find, for me, if I can always remember to serve quietly and regularly, I can stay on a fairly even keel striving for selflessness.    

 

Happiness is an attitude I want to choose everyday when I get up in the morning.  I can choose to be happy—to embrace it or reject it.  I may be simplistic, but it works ever so well for me.  Happiness IS an attitude of gratitude.

 

I am still working on the perfect recipe.  It is a continual life-long pursuit. 

On Innocence Lost and Found, from LM

I love the idea of finding something pleasant in your immediate surroundings everyday.  If that's not the secret to happiness, I don't know what is.  That is what children do, find delight and wonder in the present, in the world around them.  And children do seem to have a special claim to happiness.  Unashamed, spontaneous joy.

 

I went to the Youtube link and watched the David Whyte commentaries about the art of Jerry Wennstrom (I think that was the name).  Never heard of either of these guys.  And Jerry seemed like the ultimate wierdo and I was not at all drawn to his art.  I found it rather unsettling and uncomfortable.  But what they said rang very true.

 

Their discussion of reclaiming innocence through a journey of darkness is a theme that I've been ruminating on for about 15 years now.  I think that it is what Christ meant when he said,  "Be ye as little children".   That is, innocence, as in keeping that element of wonder and surprise and joy alive in our hearts even when we are old.  It's a rejection of becoming "jaded".  WE choose innocence.  Whereas, children don't choose innocence, they are fresh and new.  They simply are.  Whereas, as adults we must consciously choose it.  In a Joseph Smith lesson that I taught a few months ago, there was a quote,  "As you increase in innocence and virtue, as you increase in goodness, let your hearts expand, let them be enlarged toward others...." 

 

It is an interesting concept to "increase or grow" in innocence, as we tend to think of innocence as something that is had and lost, never to be regained again.  But it is not so.  Innocence does not solely belong to the unconscious realm of children.  It also belongs to the conscious world of adulthood, where it means so much more because it is chosen.  And I found it so true when David Whyte said that when we lose our innocence is when we become "besieged by the world".  How true it is! 

 

He also talks about the sad adult response to the world that we have to act upon it in order to somehow deserve to be a part of it.  Rather than simply accepting the world around us and BEING a part of it, without feeling a call to action.  Simply a call to BEING.  which I also think is another aspect of childlikeness.

 

Another issue he brought up that hit close to home was the difficulty of claiming our own happiness.  And that by claiming our own happiness, we'd be "out of a job" so much so that "grasping the hand of contentment is like grasping the hand of death."  Meaning, that if we cease to struggle, are we dead?  I've often wondered if some people are addicted to the adrenalin and drama of trauma and struggle.  Brings to mind Carly Simon's words,  "Suffering is the only thing that makes me feel I'm alive."  And goes back to my earlier meanderings of being frightened by joy. 

 

Several years ago, I read Sue Monk Kidd's first book When The Heart Waits, that she published long before she was the famous Secret Life of Bees author.  I thought it was a brilliant book about seeing yourself through a midlife crisis.  Cocooning and waiting out the darkness.  Waiting for what it has to teach us.  Really really good.

Thoughts from my friend AH

Ah, I have read the article now.  And there have been so many great things shared that I can ‘second’. Building on that maybe I have some unique, or strange? perspectives. 

 

1)       Without a doubt, I am happier than my mother was at the same age (hmmmm this doesn’t jive with the article) AND my mother always said that her mid-forties and beyond were the happiest years of her life!

2)       My mother would turn over in her grave at the thought of more choice being a source of depression.  She worked so hard and was so vocal about how she wanted me to have more choices than she.  She came of age during the Great Depression, and as hard as things are right now, they don’t seem as bad as what she and other relatives living in that time experienced.  That being said, being in the place where I’ve actually experienced the ‘more choice’ life, I can see that what HB pointed out is certainly a downside. I used to get rather caught up in the wide variety of choices and found myself getting rather ‘stuck’ and unable to act.  I think I’ve gotten to a better place from the direction of conscious choice of dwelling in the present and not allowing myself to go to the ‘regret’ phase.  No matter which path we take, we gain learning and experience that will inform the next steps.  If I get stuck in any past eddies now, it’s more that I feel angst about not seeing the other path that lay before me at the time at all, and now I have the perspective that there was another path at certain junctures that might have been chosen.

3)       I have to reiterate what has already been written that with all the things you’ve listed as causing you to feel depressed, it would be abnormal NOT to be depressed.  Tears clear toxins, allow yourself the process of sadness, and come out on the other side refreshed.

4)       I love David Whyte, an Irish poet, in moody times.  Here’s a piece where he is talking about an artist, but in the middle he talks about happiness, and middle age: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iHLhxuQygyI

5)       I, like you, have been mostly a person counted on to be happy, and I generally am.  However I have had my sad moments for sure.

6)       The unemployed husband issue must be difficult.  With this economy it’s really doubly or triply difficult.  It’s not all that easy a process in normal times, and with this economy it must truly be discouraging.  I don’t know all the tools he’s used, but if he hasn’t tried JibberJobber (http://www.jibberjobber.com/login.php) it’s a great organizing tool for the search, and seeing the documentation of your efforts can give a positive sense of accomplishment towards the goal.

7)       There are so many aspects of the country/world that are in chaos right now, it’s really hard not to be affected by the times we are in, not the least of which is the economy.  The upside is that if we’re not paralyzed, it is an unprecedented opportunity to effect change in the systems that are broken.  Another upside is that we tend to get a reality check on what it is that matters most to us and it sustains us.

8)       There is a lot of reexamination at the midpoint in our lives as we’ve been busy accomplishing, and our spiritual aspirations and aspects become even more important.  It’s a time when many of us have the opportunity to recreate ourselves and the structure of our lives.  It’s a good thing that brings in fresh air and keeps us aligned with our inner compass if we take the opportunity to pause the auto-pilots and take charge of the wheel.  We start making bucket lists, and can have a lot of fun making sure we get to everything before our health or circumstances prevent us.

 

Hope this is helpful.

PS.  Being the sole caregiver for an 89 year old father with Alzheimer’s gives plenty of room for getting a bit ground down and exhausted, thus a bit sad.  One of the practical things I do is since I can’t do the running around the globe finding fun things as I used to, I get my adventure and perspective on the day by focusing on writing about a food or local topic for my blog.  It’s the one space I have to enter another world no matter where I am…  I can not fail to observe then something pleasant in my immediate surroundings each day as I ‘have’ to write!  A little different take on gratitude journaling.

 

Distrusting our happy moments by LM

I love your expansion of the idea of how acceptance works towards happiness.  You are so right.  What exactly do we accept and when?  The idea that life is full of bads and goods and accepting that reality and not being thrown by it is so right.  And not letting our unhappy moment define our personhood is key. 

 

I think that Americans, especially, are prone to sense of entitlement to happiness.  We live in a country where we are in charge of our own destinies and the pursuit of happiness in our inalienable right....... ...and when we don't have it, we wonder what is wrong.

 

The "you deserved to have it all" media also perpetuates this myth that causes so much dissatisfaction.

 

I think that way too often people (more women than men) make a career out of being unhappy.  If they weren't unhappy, or angry, or whatever, they wouldn't know who they were.

 

But when we are going through the hardships, it is sometimes hard to remember that "this too shall pass".  I've noticed that when I'm happy, I regard it with a little bit of distrust.  I wonder how long this good fortune can last and prepare myself for its flight, which in itself erodes the fullness of the moment's joy.  I wonder what I did to deserve such happiness.  Sometimes, I think I might be afraid to be happy.  Why?  Is it that I realize its impermanence and fear the letdown when it goes?  Or is it that I don't feel I deserve to be happy on some level?

 

Yet, when unhappiness comes in.........it' s like it settles right in with a heavy darkness and makes itself a home in me.  And I find myself thinking, "I'll never be happy again."  And I often need dear friends to shed the light on me and help me to remember that "this too shall pass."

 

Why is it that joy seems so fleeting, and sadness seems so permanent?

Thoughts on Acceptance by LM's Aunt

I think Michael J. Fox meant that happiness grows in direct proportion with your acceptance of your life, your world, your circumstances - not your acceptance of being unhappy!  And as far as unhappiness growing in direct proportion with your expectations - yes, if you are always expecting more, you will never be happy with what you have.  I totally understand this quote and agree with it whole heartedly.  I don't remember ever being an unhappy person - even when I was in a destructive and abusive marriage, when I was a struggling divorced mother of two living on food stamps, when I finally found love and my lover moved 3000 miles away - why - because you accept that there are unhappy moments in your life - everyone has terrible, unhappy, disappointing, sad moments in their lives.  How long those moments last is what makes you a happy or unhappy person.  If you accept that those times will exist for everyone, but look for the things that can balance those things out, you live a happy life with unhappy moments that don't define your whole life or personhood.  If you have expectations that you should always have everything the way you need or want it to be - yes, you will become more and more unhappy. 

Recently reading about Patrick Swayze and Teddy Kennedy I have been touched by just that - they had terrible unbearable things occur in their lives, but they both died "happy people" because they found love and meaning in the good things in their lives and did not accept that their fate defined their happiness or personhood.  They were both amazing men who knew they were fighting losing battles yet did not let that define them in their last days.

Adam and Eve, from LM

Choices are such a mixed blessing.  How much happier we are when we have the freedom to choose..............but how hard having those choices and freedoms are!!!  I think that women, especially,  always have their eye on the smorgasbord of choices and are afraid of making the wrong choice and then after finally  making my choice, I find it hard to be happy in it, wondering if I've missed anything.  Crazy.  I think it's why Lucifer was able to get through to Eve in the Garden of Eden.  She saw the world in living color and wanted to make sure that she was getting all the pieces.  Whereas, Adam, being a man, saw the world in black and white.  Thus is life was simpler, but not so progressive.  Eve was more complex and progressive, but needed the protection and grounding that Adam had to offer while Eve was the first to step out and risk.  I hate to be so labeling of men and women.  Sorry.  And of course, it would probably require a whole book to properly treat it.  But I really do think that women suffer with indecision in a way that men don't.  So...............what's the science behind that?????

Really great thoughts from my friend KG

You raise a very interesting issue, so much so that the dirty dishes that were on my agenda today will just have to wait a bit longer.  Twist my rubber arm.  I think I have quite a bit to add to the discussion.  I too, consider myself a generally optimistic person, silly and happy; I love to laugh!  Paradoxically, I have experienced bouts of clinical depression and dysthymia (sub-clinical depression) for much of my adult life.  I've also worked in psychiatry when I was an occupational therapist, so I know what it's like on "both sides of the couch".     

 

I see two topics to discuss:

1.  What you can do right now to be happy (or happier) 

2.  Why women in general are less happy

 

First, what you can do right now to be happy. 

 

I think bad family news (divorce, death, troubled children, depressed husband due to unemployment) are all really good reasons to be sad.  It would be strange if you were not; you're not made of stone, and that's a good thing.  You care.  Menopause causes hormonal changes that send your emotions every which way - remember going through puberty?  There were days as a teenager when I would feel 4 or 5 different strong emotions in one day and wonder what planet I had stepped off of!  Menopause can also screw up your sleep patterns - if you don't get enough sleep, you are going to have trouble dealing with most everything, no question.  That being said, what can you do to balance out these reasonable causes of sadness?

 

Nutrition

 

I really am sorry to say that chocolate is not the answer.  Really sorry.  I thought it was the answer for a long time, and by doing so forgot that good nutrition, i.e. a balanced diet with lots of fruit and vegetables, lean protein and whole grains are the gasoline that make our bodies go.  (Word of Wisdom, anyone?)  A giant bag of peanut M & M's can give you a lot of energy for a couple of hours, but the crash afterwards is just not worth it.  Just like putting sand in the gas tank.  A diet high in simple carbohydrates linked with external stressors can increase your cortisol levels (cortisol is the "fight or flight" hormone) which in turn can deplete the available magnesium in your body - and well, blah, blah, blah, this happened to me, I changed my diet and took magnesium supplements and found a marked change in my ability to think clearly and roll with the punches.  (But you don't have to cut out the chocolate entirely.  A little bit of chocolate -the darker the better- is a good thing.)

 

Exercise

 

Twenty to thirty minutes of exercise a day (enough to work up a sweat) has been shown to decrease cortisol levels and increase the available serotonin in the brain.  And it is good to do that exercise outside, if you can, because . . .

 

Light 

 

our bodies need a certain amount of sunlight to work properly.  Why?  I can't explain it right now, especially when I have 4 sixth-grade boys running around the house at the moment (up here in Edmonton we have "Professional Development" days at school where the kids get the day off while the teachers have in-service, and today is one of those days).  Suffice it to say that I got a lot of these ideas from a great book called "When Your Body Gets the Blues: The Clinically Proven Program for Women Who Feel Tired and Stressed and Eat Too Much", by Marie-Annette Brown and Jo Robinson, two researchers from the University of Washington (go Huskies!).  They did a specialized study on women and depression after a survey of the literature and came up with an easy, balanced program that tested out well in clinical trials.  Here is a link to their website:  http://thebodyblues.com/index.html   I recommend the book highly.  I didn't buy it, but simply checked it out from the library.

 

When I am not sick with the flu (like the last 3 weeks) I try to get out into the daylight for at least 20 minutes a day.  This is not that hard.  I don't use sunglasses as much as I used to so that I can collect all the sunlight I can.  I also use a light-box sometimes, which is a treatment for SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder).  The difference in my mood is remarkable during the space of one to several days of light-box treatment.  Kathy, you might want to investigate this option.  (See this site for a brief overview:  http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/seasonal-affective-disorder-treatment/DN00013).  But try the sunshine first.  It is cheap and so wonderful.  Intertwined with light is . . .

 

Nature

 

just being outside in nature.  Simple, lovely, and refreshing.  There is some evidence that moving water (surf, waterfalls, and to a lesser extent rivers and fountains) have not only a psychological but physical effect on mood (the splashing of the water releases negative ions into the air).  Does this sound too new-agey?  Well, I'm not an airy-fairy person, so skip that last sentence about negative ions if you want to, and just enjoy the waves.

 

Spirituality

 

I am much happier when I make room for God every day.  I think our spirits are just like our bodies - they need constant nourishment.  We do "not live by bread only, but by every word that proceedeth out of the mouth of the Lord".  (Deut 8:3; Matt 4:4).  Christ is trying to tell us something when he likens himself to bread and water.  Our bodies need those things every day; our spirits need spiritual food every day.

 

How do I feed my spirit?  Read the scriptures, every day. (OK, I don't do this every day but I'm happier when I do.)  Ponder things of the spirit.  Go to church and be with fellow believers.  Do these sound like "Sunday School" answers?  They do, but I think we hear these things over and over because, more than we realize, we are surrounded by "mists of darkness" and we must be reminded to grab hold of the "iron rod".  "Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path."  (Psalm 119:105). 

 

When I make time for these devotions I am creating an environment that is receptive to the communication of the Holy Spirit.  God wants to connect with us.  "Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you; For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened."  (Matt 7:7-8)  Confide in Heavenly Father.  Tell Him how you are feeling.  He wants to help you.  Ask Him what you can do to feel better.  I am confident that he will answer.  He told me something once that I wouldn't believe, because it was spending time on myself: make some quilts.  When I finally did what he told me to, it helped; I did feel better. 

 

I also find that going to the temple brings me a great deal of peace and perspective.  The temple is a source of great power.  "And we ask thee, Holy Father, that thy servants may go forth from this house armed with thy power, and that thy name be upon them, and thy glory round about them, and thine angels have charge over them."  (D&C 109:21).  I need that power in my life to meet my challenges, both within and without.

 

Miscellaneous

 

Here are some ideas that have helped me at various times:

 

- Sharing my concerns with someone I trust.  I think you have already done this to some extent by sending your email.  Just connecting with someone who cares about me helps me feel better.  Often the point is not to solve any problems, but just to talk about how I'm feeling, and knowing that I am not alone.

 

- Taking a "news break".  When I am feeling negative I don't need to read or hear about bad news, and the news is bad surprisingly often!  I skip the newspaper and the tv and radio newscasts, and try to focus on the positive things around me.

 

- Being patient and kind with myself.  I try not to spend time feeling bad about feeling bad!

 

- Doing something I enjoy every day that is just for myself.  Working on a quilt (and not feeling guilty about it), watching a funny or uplifting movie, dancing to a favorite song, stuff like that.

 

- Working in the garden.  I always remind myself that God is a gardener.  I feel closer to Him when I'm pulling weeds, oddly enough.

 

- Doing something kind for someone else. 

 

- Thinking about 5 things for which I'm grateful.  I think the "gratitude journal" idea is very good.

 

- Have sex.  I know it is hard when you are feeling low, but it is so good for you!  Find out what helps put you in the mood and use it!  (Rock and roll or funk works for me.) 

 

Ruminations on Robert Frost by my friend HB

I agree about the impact of choices on happiness.  The more choices we have, the harder it is to choose and the less satisfied we'll be with whatever choice we make.  When we make a choice, we're not just choosing something, but we're also rejecting the alternatives, so the more options we have, the more things we're rejecting when we make a choice, and that can be difficult.  Also, as we reflect on our choices, we have more to regret if our initial choice was one of several things, and not just A or B.  So as we women have more choices about how to live our lives, the more we're likely to fall into being dissatisfied with some of our choices because we keep thinking about the roads not taken. 

Writing the phrase "roads not taken" made me think of Frost's poem The Road Not Taken.  Here it is:

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;	5
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,	10
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.	15
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.	20

What really stands out to me just now is how simple Frost makes the decision process seem.  He's in a wood and has to decide between one road or the other.  But what happens when there are four roads or six or ten roads?  I think he'd be standing a lot longer in the wood if he had to decide between four roads or more.  Also, Frost acknowledges that although we may tell ourselves that if the decision doesn't work out we will go back and take the other road, the reality is that usually isn't possible.  We know this, and that makes it harder to choose one road over another.  And finally, Frost acknowledges that in the future we'll look back with a sigh and a regret on some of our decisions, but on the whole, we should be happy with the decisions we've made.

Okay, English lesson over.  Here are some suggestions:  simplify choices whenever possible, don't do volumes of research, give yourself a deadline for researching a decision, then make the decision.  Remember that delaying or avoiding a decision doesn't mean that you're keeping all of your options open - some options may close while you're making up your mind.  And once you've made a decision, don't go over and over it.  If you're not happy with the results , make new decisions that will get you where you want to be, but don't go back and try to redo a decision that's already been made.  You may not be able to get back to that same fork in the road, but you can always make choices that will put you closer to where you want to be.  Cut yourself some slack - remember that you made the best decision you could with what you knew at the time.  If you now know that wasn't the best choice, then take steps to change it, but don't beat yourself up for having made the initial decision. 

From my friend TWS

I have read many of your comments and find them all fascinating.  I agree with many of you.  Look at nature around you and all your problems don't seem as big.  Exercise (something I'm not doing enough of lately), spend time with friends, read a good book, keep family close, take care of your spiritual side, etc. are all great ideas.  My take on one reason that women don't seem as happy is that as women, we are told we can have it all.  Some of us don't want it all and feel guilty because something must be wrong with us if we don't. Some of us try to have it all at once and it is very hard to do.  Something usually has to give, most of the time it is us.  I think that women can have it all if they choose to but not all at once.  I loved the time that I took to raise my children.  Now that they are older, I have chosen to start a new career in teaching.  After one month, my students seem to be learning and enjoying my class (a huge worry for a 1st year teacher). My family is doing well at home.  My children are picking up some of the slack at home, like their laundry.   Life is good.

I think that it comes down to choices.  If someone is truly depressed, seek professional help.  If it is a general malaise, get out and help someone else.  That usually helps me feel better about my problems and my life.  Giving back to the community or a friend is a great thing.

Regarding Statistics from my friend SST

Just my opinion - (and I don't want to be contrary but...)

First, an interesting article, but it actually seems to overstate the argument for decreasing happiness being made by the accompanying graphs.  The statistical portion on the graph labeled "decreased happiness" is fractional; it goes from the peak of about 2.24 in 1972 down to about 2.175 in 2008.  That is on a scale of 1-3, and there is always a margin of error in such surveys and polls.  (As my husband says, "Beware of polls and numbers because the people behind them can make them say pretty much whatever they want them to say" or "These are lies, damned lies and statistics").  So, I'm not sure that I'm buying what this author is selling!

Now, on a more personal level, I think that we all, men and women, experience highs and lows in life and some people seem to have more ups and downs than others.  Some of us have had more lows than highs in recent years (or at least it sometimes feels like that), and that is just not fun.   Some people also seem to deal with their lows better than others.  After crying and feeling sad and crying on the shoulders of family and friends, I generally try to cope by getting up and getting busy, being employed, cleaning out closets, visit teaching, extra service for others, etc.  I also feel free to indulge myself and lift my spirits by eating ice cream and reading "happy endings" books!  And sometimes I just follow the example of Scarlett and choose to "think about it tomorrow!".

One other thing that I know is helpful is regular exercise (although I've been not heeding this counsel myself for the past six months).

From another sister RGS

I've always had such a restless spirit/soul. If I can't make things better, then I remove the bad from my life. The result, of course, has been two failed marriages.

But, I'm in such a good place right now and my life is peaceful and full of love. My children, of course, the grandkids, of course, but mostly, because I'm in charge of my life. If I make mistakes, and I have made many, then I know who to blame -- me.

I've worked hard, but everyone in our family are pluggers. We were raised that way. Today, I know that I'm going to be all right. I'm still working, of course, but my job is great, I'm challenged every day, I learn new things, I know I contribute in a very significant way to my company. Those are good things and I am grateful I can still contribute.

I don't recommend cutting out those things that are frustrating and painful, because, as you have all said, those things tend to pass, if we're lucky. Then, again hopefully, your familes are still whole and intact.

I'm just way too impatient, and value myself too much (maybe) to let someone, or something get the best of me. I tend to cut and run. But, you are all still married and have husbands that you love, who love you.

Female friendships are powerful. I hope you all have at least one girlfriend with whom you can share your good times and your not so good times. Family is forever binding, but the friendships we have had over the years are so nurturing and supportive.

From my friend AB who is a doctor

I have read with interest and empathy your description of "weariness" and other comments that resonate with an all too-familiar ring.  I have experienced depression/weariness/SAD in the past, and I also treat lots of women in my family practice panel who struggle with it as well. I don't treat as many men with depression, either because they don't recognize it, or don't want to come to a woman, or don't want to treat it (or are better at treating it themselves, either with healthy things, or unhealthy solutions). Here are my thoughts about the physiological aspects and spiritual aspects of this complex constellation of symptoms called depression for women.

        I think estrogen and progesterone (especially progesterone, which is the silent bad girl that lets estrogen take all the bad publicity) are responsible for a lot of what women experience during the peri-menopausal years (which can be around 10 years).  I think when our ovaries stop sending the message that we are "fertile Myrtles" by slowing production, or skipping ovulation cycles, or degrading the FSH and LH levels, etc, we start feeling it.  We were biologically meant to be baby factories:  I mean, really: ovulating every single month---to have the chance of conception EVERY SINGLE MONTH?!?!?!?  No other species does that.  Other species "come into heat" at much more reasonable time periods....but we humans, oh no....we can do this anytime!  

       So.  When we start slowing down the production factory, our bodies feel it.  You can't tell me that our emotions don't pick up on that, as well.  We KNOW when we ovulate.  We feel rotten during the week before our periods. And some women go psychotic during that week and the week of the period because of those incredibly drastic changes in estrogen and progesterone levels.  Men's testosterone levels are pretty steady all the time.  AND, they continue to produce it as long as they have testicles.  They don't have the mood swings and weight gain and collagen breakdown and bone loss that women do during peri-menopause and post menopause, because they still have that production factory going strong. They are also deemed more handsome and virile as they grey and age, whereas women are deemed dry and old and used up after they are no longer "useful" (strictly biologically speaking).     

      If a male patient of mine has to have an orchiectomy (testicle removal for cancer or other problem) I have to spend A LOT of time with them during their difficult transition of becoming suddenly emasculated.  They become emotional, gain weight and lose bone mass.  They feel disillusioned about their role as men, and become depressed.  Sound familiar?? It is truly amazing to watch the transition and the awareness of the loss of testosterone, and see how their understanding of women during peri- and post menopause suddenly becomes manifest.  I am not suggesting that men can't understand how women feel during this transition unless they have orchiectomies, but it is something that is so unfamiliar to them, they CAN'T understand it....like fish in water....they always have it, so they can't understand what it is like not to have it around.  Now, you may think I am biased because I am a woman, and as such, I also can't speak about how men feel. Here is where I speak from: I grew up with a father who absolutely embodied the worst in masochism.  He was a urologist.  I have seven brothers, no sisters.  Tell me I don't know testosterone.  

       I think women (more than men) have the potential to become sadder as we have been forced away (or have chosen to move more away) from what our biology dictates we do: have babies and stay at home and nurture them and tend the hearth. Men are responsible to provide for their family.  They are supposed to go away to work and get paid and receive "pay" in various ways for their success in accomplishing that (promotions, congratulations, prestige, etc.).  "Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of the children." (The Family: A Proclamation to the World).  I think we want to do more and be more, and have had to do more and be more than what our primary roles dictate.  I have three children and a career in health care.  I understand the challenges of being a mother and taking care of children. I also have the extra challenge of a severely multiply handicapped child in the mix. I don't condemn women for having careers at all:  I just think we need to realize what we do when we decide to, or are forced to leave our basic role and take on the responsibilities of providing as well as nurturing.   And I think when we try to do too much, (perhaps because we feel we have to because we have held ourselves up in comparison to others) we get overwhelmed and easily depressed as a result.    

       My husband (who is also a family doctor) and I talk a lot about these challenges that face women and men and menopause and mid-life crises and etc.  He offered this observation and insight:  Biologically, the male species are meant to continue producing seed with the most fertile, healthy and promising females (and as many of them as possible). So, perhaps this challenge of biology (meaning men remain fertile and virile and women wane in both areas) was given to men to test their resolve to commit to remain with and stay loyal to their spouses.  Meaning in spite of these biological and emotional changes that come with time in women, men are given the opportunity and tremendous challenge to continue to remain faithful (and the world doesn't make it easy for them).  That is huge!  I applaud men and women who are able to overcome biology and remain faithful to each other.  I love it when couples come in and they obviously really care for each other. 

I love every one's suggestions about what to DO when we feel down, and I will offer what I offer others who come in to the office and need help.

First I would suggest you get some lab work done to make sure you aren't deficient in some way (especially thyroid).  So go to your PCP and talk and ask for labs first.  If they are normal, then come back and talk about treatment (whether counseling alone or with medication as well).  

 Second:  It's not a character flaw.  You shouldn't beat yourself up for feeling this way.  Your body is responding to stress by decreasing the availability of serotonin and dopamine and norepinephrine.  So, if you need medication to help keep the "sex, drugs and rock and roll" endorphins around, it is okay.

Third:  Remember, if you start on medication to help with depressive symptoms, the medication is only responsible for keeping it around.  It doesn't MAKE serotonin or dopamine or norepinephrine, so you have to work hard to continue producing it....this is where the exercise (getting out in nature, doing things that normally please you and relax you and replenish you) comes in.  Also, make sure you get enough protein in every day (proteins make proteins).

 I also spend a lot of time talking to folks about the Five Love Languages (physical, time, service, gifts, language).  I read it about 20 years ago, and it really made a huge difference in the way I expect and express love to my family.  Read it. www.fivelovelanguages.com

  If you aren't getting the message that your spouse loves you, pay attention to the ways he/she is trying to express his/her love to you.  It may be in a totally different language that you don't recognize.  That may be contributing to the lower levels of serotonin and dopamine and norepinephrine that are available.  

Seminary thoughts from KM

After discussing this morning with my seminary students the scripture in Nephi and Elder Bednar's talk about the tender mercies of the Lord and challenging them to find tender mercies each day I am overcome with emotion.   The Lord knows who we are and He will strengthen those who are faithful to Him and deliver them from their trials.

From another sister, AJ (Yes, I come from a big family!!)

Why are women sadder as they get older? Ummmmm, can't answer that. But I'm just glad none of you were at my house over the weekend. I had my hands full with a serious family situation. I thought I was gonna die, cry, and was thinking why God would give me such a challenge right after I cracked my tailbone and was in pain? But, you know what? Today is the first day of the rest of my life, the crisis is over, my tailbone is feeling better and I'm happy again.

 

But, I didn't always look at it that way. I remember Claire, that you told me outright several years ago when things were especially difficult for me, that I was depressing you just hearing about my crap. You are the only one in our family who can and will speak so frankly. But you did me a great favor and I have tried hard ever since then to change my attitude and to avoid depressing people and avoid hanging out with losers.

 

Since I changed my attitude I now believe that no matter what our current challenge or crisis is, it's not as bad as someone else's and I certainly wouldn't trade my problems for anyone else's. All of these situations, no matter what they are, make us stronger if that's what we choose. Or we can allow them to get us down and depressed. I always remind myself that "these things too shall pass" and they do and will.

 

I always crack myself up when I send out my newsy Christmas letters every year, because if I wrote down the crap that happens then I probably would be in the looney house at this point of my life. But instead, I write down the happy highlights of each of my children so that when everyone receives these happy letters, they may perceive that my family is a perfect and happy family. Isn't that funny? And in reality, these happy highlights are what keep me going, because those happy and good times are indeed my blessings.

On Women's Happiness by LM

I came across this article last week, quickly perused it and then quickly moved on.  I think because the article made me uncomfortable and I didn't want to think about it.  but now Claire has forced me to confront my discomfort!  Actually, my need to get in on this discussion has forced me to confront it. 

I've always struggled to be happy.  Which has always mystified me b/c I think that I really do have a natural propensity for fun and happiness, so why do I have so much trouble accessing it on a consistent basis.  Same with you Claire, as I've been aware of your issues with depression, it has surprised me b/c I've always regarded you as one of my "happy" people.  Someone that just seems to spontaneously bubble with joie de vivre, which is one of the things that has always drawn me to you!  And the fact that you were depressed, depressed me!  Thinking, well, if Claire's not happy, than what chance do the rest of us have?

Was it Leo Tolstoy who said,  "All happy families look alike.  But all unhappy families are unhappy in their own way."?  Perhaps that can also be applied on an individual level.  I do think that happy people probably practice many of the same happy principles.  Perhaps Steven Covey's book could be renamed The 7 Basic Habits of Highly Happy People............I do think that Happy and Effective are interchangeable because I think that effectiveness is a happy state of being.  and I've often thought that maybe I'm not happy because I'm an undisciplined, ineffective person.

There are plenty of studies out there on Happiness as well as Unhappiness.  Several years ago, I was intrigued by a Happy Study.  I was drawn to the article in search of an explanation for my own unhappiness.  It proposed that people have an inner "happiness setpoint."  They found that some people are just naturally happier.  And that when they go through life's traumas, they suffer for a time, then recover and go back to their high happiness setpoint.  Whereas, less happier people suffer longer and then go back to their lower happiness setpoint. 

This article gave me an explanation but it didn't give me a whole lot of hope.  At least I now had a possible reason for my unhappiness, and I couldn't help it.  That relieved some of the stress of unhappiness in a wierd way.  I heard an interview with Michael J Fox recently when he quoted,  "Happiness grows in direct proportion with your acceptance and declines in direct proportion with your expectations."  Does that mean that in some wierd way, that if I accept that I'm unhappy that I will be less unhappy?  That would certainly be in harmony with the first great law of Buddhism  "Life is suffering."  And when you accept that life is suffering, it ceases to be insufferable.

But where does that Buddhist law fit with our American credo that the Pursuit of Life, Liberty and Happiness are our inalienable rights??? Endemic to being human.   And where does that leave room for the concepts of goal setting and self improvement, if we just accept that life sucks and be happy in its suckiness?

I've explained away my own unhappiness in many other ways:  I was unhappy in my marriage.  If I had another husband, surely life would be better.  But that theory was blown out of the water when I separated from my  husband last year and found that I was no happier without him than with him.  In fact, I was unhappier without him!  Luckily, it was not too late to reconcile and that particular circumstance has been remedied.  I have found that a change of heart and perpsective, in this case, had a profound affect on my happiness.

Perhaps I would be happier if I had more money.  I really do believe that money buys happiness.  Money buys 2 things that are essential to my happiness:  Freedom and Beauty.  It takes $$$ to travel.  It takes money to buy the room or the home with the view.  It takes $$$ to decorate my house with lovely, praiseworthy things.  It takes money to buy the best health care, the healthiest food, The best vitamins, the best skin care, the good hair cuts and colors, the most becoming clothes.  I had two crowns last year that cost me $1000 a piece!  Now I know why poor people don't have teeth!  THEY CAN'T AFFORD THEM!!!  Beauty, poetry, art, freedom, health, even life.....are all the province of the rich.  Poor people even have shorter life spans than the rich.  So, yes, maybe I would be happy if I had more money.  but the reality is:  I have enough.  I travel enough to keep my wanderlust sated, though I'd sure like to travel a lot more.  I have enough for health care and good skin care and I am keeping my teeth.  and I buy art on postcards and posters and I frame it.  It's not the real deal, but it gets me close enough to the beauty that I crave.  I don't have an oceanview out my back windows, but I do have a cow pasture with cows and a corn field and big western sky.  Everytime I look out my window that pastoral scene, I am happy, as I swat away the flies.

I've always felt deeply blessed that I did not have to work in the world to earn the money to put bread on my table.  Yet, how nice it would have been to recieve some kind of recognition for the work that I do do.  Every Mother's day, I read in a newspaper somewhere or on the internet the calculations of what a mother's/wife's, work is worth.  It always comes out to over $200,000 per year.  I've heard that in Scandinavian countries, that a woman's at home work is measured into the country's GNP.  Maybe I would be happier if my work was recognized, if not compensated, by a measurable amount.  I think $$$ makes our world go round.  And that the reason that at home women don't get the respect they deserve, except on one day in May, is that their contribution is not measured in financial terms.  And maybe, if it was, I would get recognition and respect, and then I would be happy.  Afterall, recognition and respect are components of happiness.

Maybe I'm unhappy because I'm a Saggitarius and being half human half beast, I'm eternally conflicted, thus incapable of happiness.

Maybe I'm unhappy because I'm a poet.  I'm a deep, emotional, creative creature.  and everyone knows that poets are all wildly unhappy, mentally ill, alcoholics, promiscuous, syphllitic people who all burn brightly early and die young.  Maybe I'm unhappy because I've been a good mormon girl and have not followed my creative instincts that would have led me into a wild life of debauchery, and creative fulfillment.  No........that can't be it.  Those poets were all creatively fulfilled but they were tortured and unhappy.  Maybe I can't be happy because I'm a tortured poet:  whether I'm creatively fulfilled or not.

Maybe I'm unhappy because I'm chronically disorganized because I am creative and destined to be so.  So my time, my stuff, my life, is always out of control and that makes me unhappy.  Maybe I'm unhappy because I'm totally in a daze all the time completely unproductive.  Maybe I'm unhappy because I sleep too much and can't focus on getting things done.  Maybe I would be happier if I could hire a housekeeper to keep my life straight so all I had to do was connect and create every day of my life.

Maybe I'm unhappy because I really do have a great capacity for happiness, The flip side of that being a great capability for profound unhappiness.

Maybe I would be happy if I lost weight.

'Pant' 'pant' 'pant'...................CAN YOU SEE WHY I QUICKLY LEFT THIS ARTICLE?????  Maybe I'm unhappy because I'm tired of trying to figure out how to be my best happiest self!!!! 

This what I do know:  That I'm most happy when I'm connecting with other human beings who I love. (This is why I spend too much damn time on email and facebook, then I don't get my work done and that makes me unhappy)   I'm most happy and feel most in the flow of myself when I'm creating, whether it is scrapbooking, writing, cooking.  I'm most happy when I'm traveling and seeing a new place, discovering new things, people, ways of life.  I'm most happy when I'm transported by a good book or a beautiful piece of music.  I'm most happy when I am in tune with my God, who I love with all my heart, whether that is in church or in my secret places or high on a mountain top.  I'm most happy in the summertime when it is warm and the sun is shining and there's plenty of light.  I'm most happy when I'm near a body of water, large or small, it somehow just speaks peace to my soul.  I am most happy when I am in love.  In love with my husband, my children, my friends, my home, my travels, my books, my art,  my world, my God and my life.

If I can infuse as much of those things in my life as possible, I will be happy.  Problem is work.   Work is not on that list and life requires it.  And that's a whole nother stream of thought and I really must let this go now.  I know that this writing has focused on my own happiness/unhappiness rather than Claire's intitial question of why are women unhappy?  I go back to the modified Tolstoy quote:  There are as many paths to unhappiness as people.  And it can't be explained away in an article by a self help guru or any scientific study.  It is too deep.  Too complex.  So that leads me back to....................ME!!!  (maybe that's why I'm so unhappy, I'm too self absorbed).  You see, here we go in rounds again.  That makes me crazy as well as unhappy and does not answer any of the questions.  It just creates more.

Are you exhausted?????  I am!  But I think I will copy off this stream of consciousness and journal it.  I'm also attaching a poem I wrote many years ago, generated by my search for happiness and meaning.