I think the ability to be happy (for women or men) is complex and multi-dimensional. I believe that this ability is comprised of cognitive, environmental, and physiological elements. A person may be endowed with a happy nature, yet encounter environmental and physiological issues that alter that natural propensity. For example,a naturally positive individual may be born to alcoholic parents and the resulting stress and trauma could alter the brain chemistry of that person, so that they develop chronic depression/anxiety problems. Said person could still work cognitively and behaviorally to deal with these, but they very well might also need medication to help restore a balanced, healthy physiological state.
I believe that many cases of depression and anxiety are due to physiological causes--many more times than we may realize. I believe that there are always things one can do cognitively and behaviorally to help mitigate these, but sometimes one must absolutely have some physical help in the form of anti-depressants, hormone supplements, etc..
Also, from the dawn of time, it's been a given that peri-menopause and menopause causes drastic changes in brain and body chemistry resulting in a host of psychological and physical ailments. Without a doubt. What a bummer. Women do have some extra challenges hormonally from puberty on, like it or not. These certainly don't render us any less productive, intelligent, or valuable in any capacity.
I wonder what Mr. Buckingham's conclusion is? As I think over what he had to say--I'm not sure why the statistics for women's happiness currently show such a decline. Are we more in touch with our feelings in this age of self-awareness? Are we more vocal in expressing these? Were our mothers and grandmothers more stoic? Perhaps.
With regards to the effects of one's environment on happiness, absolutely loving relationships, financial security and prosperity, fulfilling work/tasks/projects, contact with nature, etc., facilitate the state.
And, absolutely--things of the spirit--the arts, creativity of any kind, belief in a higher benevolent power, adherance to a set of positive values, positive mental and spiritual stimulation provide a breeding ground for happiness.
However, if a person has all of the above, yet still experiences depression/anxiety, I believe that the cause is very likely physical.
I also believe that an artistic/creative temperament doesn't always go hand in hand with mental illness and self-destruction. I'm thinking of some of my life-guides and favorite artists: Madeleine, C.S. Lewis, Tolkien, Sulamith, my parents, Mary O'Hara, Ann Moray...
Also, I believe that sometimes, the appropriate emotion IS unhappiness (of course). And, sometimes, just for no reason at all, we're going to feel melancholy. Our spirits are missing the stars. Sometimes, when I come face to face with the stark realization that I'm just not happy--I think to myself, "Oh well, so I'm not happy. Maybe that's okay." And then I either "vege" that day, or just DO SOMETHING. Goethe said, "Anything you can do or dream, you can begin it." Those beginnings are a big deal.
Here are a few good quotes from somebody I really trust, C.S. Lewis:
Here are a few good quotes from somebody I really trust, C.S. Lewis:
"To get up each morning with the resolve to be happy...is to set our own conditions to the events of each day. To do this is to condition circumstances instead of being conditioned by them." (Cognitive)
"The homemaker has the ultimate career. All other careers exist for one purpose only--and that is to support the ultimate career." (What a cool view--he "recognizes" us!)
"What saves a man is to take a step. Then another step..." (Cognitive and Behavioral)
"You don't have a soul. You are a Soul. You have a body." (Physiological causes)
From my cousin: I have found that my faith has sustained me when I doubted anything could. A therapist plus a Grief Group, along with the support of family and friends, continued the task. Recently, following a small problem with a foot, my doctor recommended a short period of physical therapy and I discovered the accuracy of the phrase "endorphin rush". It's nearly as effective as anti-depressants, plus a small benefit to my weight.
ReplyDeleteAcknowledge that God still loves you and is in control. He doesn't "make" bad things happen, but since we have free will, He allows us to make our own decisions and hopefully turn to Him in those events and decisions.
Surround yourself with Christian friends; if they are both, they will help to sustain you, and consider it a privilege to do so.
Cognitive therapy: yes, as has already been mentioned by many, replace negative thoughts with positive ones, or when that seems impossible, then at least "realistic" ones. Is this really the "worst" situation or simply a bad day/month/year? Be realistic in your analysis of the problem, if there is a problem. If a general malaise, admit and explore it. "The problem of life is to change worry into thinking and anxiety into creative action." Harold B. Walker, from Think or Worry?
Sometimes what is happening truly IS the worst situation you've ever faced, and then simply must be survived, but when this is the case, BE KIND TO YOURSELF! My therapist recommended soaking in a bubble bath, with a candle or two in sight, a favorite dessert (worry about the weight at a time when you aren't in "survival mode"), get away from the phone, the kids, and the clock by going for a walk somewhere beautiful. Don't go on a spending spree (unless you can well afford it ...the guilt and debt will only make your depression worse). Get a massage ...not only does muscle relaxation do you a world of good, so does basic human touch. Determine your own way to be kind to yourself, and do it. Treat yourself as kindly as you would treat your best friend if she were suffering as you are. Don't be ashamed to go in a quiet, private place and talk lovingly to yourself as if you are comforting your best friend. YOU ARE.
Have you had a complete physical lately? A truthful conversation with your doctor? There may be a medical reason for your feelings. Find out.
Get away from the problem for periods of time. No one can survive a difficult situation without rejuvenation. Take a weekend away with your best friend, go to an uplifting movie or at least hide out in a museum or the library on a regular schedule, so you are able to anticipate this unpressured, pleasant time.
Exercise: as mentioned before, the endorphin rush helps and if you do enough of it the weight loss will boost your self-esteem.
Rely on your best friends or family members. Find someone who will truly LISTEN to you, without interrupting, even when you need to say the same things over and over until the problem or mood goes away or at least you are stronger. A loving, supportive friend is worth her weight in gold, and as rare to find. If you begin to unburden to a friend and she interrupts or starts to tell you what a bad day/experience/medical result she's had, she's not what you need right now. This doesn't mean she doesn't love you and isn't worth keeping ...but right now you need someone to listen to you. A loving, listening, caring friend won't attempt, or be able, to solve your problem, but just by listening, you'll feel better, if only for a little while. When the benefit wears off, call or see her again.
Consult an expert if your problem can be resolved by one. Listen and if the advice makes sense, become pro-active. No matter the result, just taking action gives you a sense of empowerment and lessens depression and a sense of victimization. I can vouch that it helps a sad/depressed mood immeasurably.