I came across this article last week, quickly perused it and then quickly moved on. I think because the article made me uncomfortable and I didn't want to think about it. but now Claire has forced me to confront my discomfort! Actually, my need to get in on this discussion has forced me to confront it.
I've always struggled to be happy. Which has always mystified me b/c I think that I really do have a natural propensity for fun and happiness, so why do I have so much trouble accessing it on a consistent basis. Same with you Claire, as I've been aware of your issues with depression, it has surprised me b/c I've always regarded you as one of my "happy" people. Someone that just seems to spontaneously bubble with joie de vivre, which is one of the things that has always drawn me to you! And the fact that you were depressed, depressed me! Thinking, well, if Claire's not happy, than what chance do the rest of us have?
Was it Leo Tolstoy who said, "All happy families look alike. But all unhappy families are unhappy in their own way."? Perhaps that can also be applied on an individual level. I do think that happy people probably practice many of the same happy principles. Perhaps Steven Covey's book could be renamed The 7 Basic Habits of Highly Happy People............I do think that Happy and Effective are interchangeable because I think that effectiveness is a happy state of being. and I've often thought that maybe I'm not happy because I'm an undisciplined, ineffective person.
There are plenty of studies out there on Happiness as well as Unhappiness. Several years ago, I was intrigued by a Happy Study. I was drawn to the article in search of an explanation for my own unhappiness. It proposed that people have an inner "happiness setpoint." They found that some people are just naturally happier. And that when they go through life's traumas, they suffer for a time, then recover and go back to their high happiness setpoint. Whereas, less happier people suffer longer and then go back to their lower happiness setpoint.
This article gave me an explanation but it didn't give me a whole lot of hope. At least I now had a possible reason for my unhappiness, and I couldn't help it. That relieved some of the stress of unhappiness in a wierd way. I heard an interview with Michael J Fox recently when he quoted, "Happiness grows in direct proportion with your acceptance and declines in direct proportion with your expectations." Does that mean that in some wierd way, that if I accept that I'm unhappy that I will be less unhappy? That would certainly be in harmony with the first great law of Buddhism "Life is suffering." And when you accept that life is suffering, it ceases to be insufferable.
But where does that Buddhist law fit with our American credo that the Pursuit of Life, Liberty and Happiness are our inalienable rights??? Endemic to being human. And where does that leave room for the concepts of goal setting and self improvement, if we just accept that life sucks and be happy in its suckiness?
I've explained away my own unhappiness in many other ways: I was unhappy in my marriage. If I had another husband, surely life would be better. But that theory was blown out of the water when I separated from my husband last year and found that I was no happier without him than with him. In fact, I was unhappier without him! Luckily, it was not too late to reconcile and that particular circumstance has been remedied. I have found that a change of heart and perpsective, in this case, had a profound affect on my happiness.
Perhaps I would be happier if I had more money. I really do believe that money buys happiness. Money buys 2 things that are essential to my happiness: Freedom and Beauty. It takes $$$ to travel. It takes money to buy the room or the home with the view. It takes $$$ to decorate my house with lovely, praiseworthy things. It takes money to buy the best health care, the healthiest food, The best vitamins, the best skin care, the good hair cuts and colors, the most becoming clothes. I had two crowns last year that cost me $1000 a piece! Now I know why poor people don't have teeth! THEY CAN'T AFFORD THEM!!! Beauty, poetry, art, freedom, health, even life.....are all the province of the rich. Poor people even have shorter life spans than the rich. So, yes, maybe I would be happy if I had more money. but the reality is: I have enough. I travel enough to keep my wanderlust sated, though I'd sure like to travel a lot more. I have enough for health care and good skin care and I am keeping my teeth. and I buy art on postcards and posters and I frame it. It's not the real deal, but it gets me close enough to the beauty that I crave. I don't have an oceanview out my back windows, but I do have a cow pasture with cows and a corn field and big western sky. Everytime I look out my window that pastoral scene, I am happy, as I swat away the flies.
I've always felt deeply blessed that I did not have to work in the world to earn the money to put bread on my table. Yet, how nice it would have been to recieve some kind of recognition for the work that I do do. Every Mother's day, I read in a newspaper somewhere or on the internet the calculations of what a mother's/wife's, work is worth. It always comes out to over $200,000 per year. I've heard that in Scandinavian countries, that a woman's at home work is measured into the country's GNP. Maybe I would be happier if my work was recognized, if not compensated, by a measurable amount. I think $$$ makes our world go round. And that the reason that at home women don't get the respect they deserve, except on one day in May, is that their contribution is not measured in financial terms. And maybe, if it was, I would get recognition and respect, and then I would be happy. Afterall, recognition and respect are components of happiness.
Maybe I'm unhappy because I'm a Saggitarius and being half human half beast, I'm eternally conflicted, thus incapable of happiness.
Maybe I'm unhappy because I'm a poet. I'm a deep, emotional, creative creature. and everyone knows that poets are all wildly unhappy, mentally ill, alcoholics, promiscuous, syphllitic people who all burn brightly early and die young. Maybe I'm unhappy because I've been a good mormon girl and have not followed my creative instincts that would have led me into a wild life of debauchery, and creative fulfillment. No........that can't be it. Those poets were all creatively fulfilled but they were tortured and unhappy. Maybe I can't be happy because I'm a tortured poet: whether I'm creatively fulfilled or not.
Maybe I'm unhappy because I'm chronically disorganized because I am creative and destined to be so. So my time, my stuff, my life, is always out of control and that makes me unhappy. Maybe I'm unhappy because I'm totally in a daze all the time completely unproductive. Maybe I'm unhappy because I sleep too much and can't focus on getting things done. Maybe I would be happier if I could hire a housekeeper to keep my life straight so all I had to do was connect and create every day of my life.
Maybe I'm unhappy because I really do have a great capacity for happiness, The flip side of that being a great capability for profound unhappiness.
Maybe I would be happy if I lost weight.
'Pant' 'pant' 'pant'...................CAN YOU SEE WHY I QUICKLY LEFT THIS ARTICLE????? Maybe I'm unhappy because I'm tired of trying to figure out how to be my best happiest self!!!!
This what I do know: That I'm most happy when I'm connecting with other human beings who I love. (This is why I spend too much damn time on email and facebook, then I don't get my work done and that makes me unhappy) I'm most happy and feel most in the flow of myself when I'm creating, whether it is scrapbooking, writing, cooking. I'm most happy when I'm traveling and seeing a new place, discovering new things, people, ways of life. I'm most happy when I'm transported by a good book or a beautiful piece of music. I'm most happy when I am in tune with my God, who I love with all my heart, whether that is in church or in my secret places or high on a mountain top. I'm most happy in the summertime when it is warm and the sun is shining and there's plenty of light. I'm most happy when I'm near a body of water, large or small, it somehow just speaks peace to my soul. I am most happy when I am in love. In love with my husband, my children, my friends, my home, my travels, my books, my art, my world, my God and my life.
If I can infuse as much of those things in my life as possible, I will be happy. Problem is work. Work is not on that list and life requires it. And that's a whole nother stream of thought and I really must let this go now. I know that this writing has focused on my own happiness/unhappiness rather than Claire's intitial question of why are women unhappy? I go back to the modified Tolstoy quote: There are as many paths to unhappiness as people. And it can't be explained away in an article by a self help guru or any scientific study. It is too deep. Too complex. So that leads me back to....................ME!!! (maybe that's why I'm so unhappy, I'm too self absorbed). You see, here we go in rounds again. That makes me crazy as well as unhappy and does not answer any of the questions. It just creates more.
Are you exhausted????? I am! But I think I will copy off this stream of consciousness and journal it. I'm also attaching a poem I wrote many years ago, generated by my search for happiness and meaning.
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